Saturday, December 23, 2006

current events in the Neilson household

So, my husband has been home for a little over 6 weeks, and things have been non-stop chaos. There was the wonderful reunion, the honeymoon period, FANTASTIC sex, blah, blah, blah. The twins have readjusted beautifully, and Robby is actually calling Drew "Daddy" almost exclusively now (it's about time after 3 1/2 years!). And now there's real life.

We are broke. Countless soirees, the Ball, honeymoon purchases, Christmas shopping, and all those damn medical bills (that's another story), (oh, and of course there's that 5 weeks we went without a paycheck) have rendered us nearly penniless.

Kieran has visited the ER twice in the past 2 months. The first time was when he got into Robby's meds and ate an Adderall, making him crack-baby-for-a-day. That was 8 unpleasent hours wasted (and $600). Then, a month later, Robby threw a D-cell battery at his head and split the skin, requiring a 7 hour visit for TWO STITCHES (and $1900)! [Look at the difference between prices for a teaching -vs- private hospital!!!! Thank God for health insurance -- we only owe 20 percent of those bills!]

So then, last Saturday, Devin comes down with the flu. It starts off as a high fever and cough and turns into wheezing and an asthma attack. She was admitted to the children's hospital and stayed for 3 days to be on oxygen (her O2 saturation levels were dipping down to 85 percent) and IV antibiotics (somehow an ear infection popped up among all this!). [oh, and then Drew lost his new job the morning after Devin was admitted.]

So, she came home on Wednesday evening, and then Friday morning, Kieran spikes a 104 fever!!! And a cough, and a headache (he puts his hands over his eyes and says "ow-ow-ow!"). It's the flu. Again. Finally Drew and I realized that we must have it too, albeit milder, cuz since Wednesday, we have both felt like shit with eye headaches..

So now I'm taking every precaution to make sure we don't spend Christams in the hospital with HIM! Humidifier, nebulizer treatments, vapor rub, plenty of rest and fluids... all that jazz. He has asthmatic tendancies, too, so we'll just have to wait and see. But now he has diarrhea and threw up on me while I was putting him to bed. OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO BE BARFED AND SHAT UPON AT CHRISTMASTIME!!!

So, of course, we had to cancel our Holiday party that was supposed to be going on right this second. No sense giving our friends the flu for a present.

It's going to be a lovely Christmas. :(

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

5 more days!!!

Happy Halloween!...(even though my Drew won't be here to trick-or-treat with us and have crazy Halloween sex [with me - duh]).

Only 5 more days and I'll be squeezing my hunny again! HOORAY!!! Yesterday I got a phone call from his CELL PHONE. What a glorious thing to see on the caller ID! We have been able to talk several times without a voice delay OR strict time constraints. It was so nice to be able to just pillow talk with him. We are both so much more relaxed now that he's back in the USA. Just 4 more days of decompression in Lejeune and then he's MINE again!

And this is when I realize just how badly I have been procrastinating with the homecoming preparations. I have 3 more school days to finish the house, and one weekend-day to finish everything else (yard, etc., hint-hint, Uncle Wolf!). Gotta clean out & wash the van, shampoo carpets, finish mountains of laundry, clean up the porches, get our bedroom (AKA sancuary of sweet lovin') ready, do all my silly beauty treaments... aaah! The list is neverending! And all the while I am nervous and excited and needing a sedative!

So, I am busy. Anyone who can/will lend a hand would be forever appreciated, btw. ;) I CAN'T WAIT TO HOLD MY HUBBY AGAIN!!!!!

And now, I must work.

- CRAZY Mrs. Sgt. Neilson -AKA- Glowstick's wife (heeheehee)

Friday, October 20, 2006

Drew's Homecoming

Okay, it's official (supposedly, haha). Drew will be arriving at NAS-JAX on Sunday, November 6th. YAY!!! Only 15 more days without him! When the day comes, we will have been apart for 224 days. Holy shit-balls! That's 7 1/2 months without cuddling, companionship, or sex!!! Good God Almighty! I'm definately not looking forward to EVER having to do this again. It has been one rough year. The entire deployment will have been 11 1/2 months. Yich.

I have never been so over-worked in my life, even when I was a single mom working full time. I will be so relieved to have him back here to take on his half of the duties again. 'Cause even with all the help I have gotten, I've still managed to over-exert myself to the point of dislodging a rib, breaking one ankle, and spraining the other! I had never broken a bone in my life! My poor body just can't handle this life alone. I'll be gald when my other half is back again to make me whole (no pun intended). :)

I'm trying right now not to think about the obstacles that await us with Drew's readjustment period. Most of my worries revolve around the kids: how long it will take for the twins to warm up to him again, whether it's going to overwhelm him to hear the chaos that takes place around our house around dinner-bath-bed-times. The discipline with the three feisty trouble-makers that we have is always fun, too. And let's not forget the household chores. He needs to be ready to jump right back in to the dishes, trash, lawn and other misc. tasks.

Of course I will allow him time to readjust and rest, but I can't wait on him hand and foot AND take care of the kids forever, especially with my ankles messed up. PLUS, before he left he wanted me to start teaching him how to cook and do laundry (properly), so he could help ease some of those burdens for me. So he will be busy, and not to mention he has to find a better job than he had before so we can LIVE!

Well, we've got a lot on our plates, and the homecoming will be both blissful AND stressful, for all of us. I just hope we have the sterngth to deal with it as it comes.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Okay, so, apparently I have been walking around on a BROKEN ankle for THREE WEEKS!! Holy shiznit! For those of you that don't know how it happened, here's the story:

On Wednesday, September 27, I was being a good little mamma and playing with my kids in the backyard; swings, slide, etc. And as I was trying to guide my tiny daughter down the monsterous slide, our beloved dog, Brigit, decided it would be fun to jump up on Mommy from behind. Well, our feisty little 55-pound pup likes to jump on people, and the vet has instructed us to knee her in the chest to discourage it. Well, what's a gal to do when the dog jumps up from behind? Naturally, I threw my foot back at her, and CRACK went my ankle against her ELBOW BONES! Needless to say, it hurt, and I fell down, hyperventilating, and couldn't get up. My wonderful friend Allison just happened to call 2 minutes later and said "I'll be right over!" So she helped me get the kids fed, bathed, and put to bed. **Thanks again!**

Anyway, I waited and waited for it to feel better, and finally went to the doc about 9 days after it happened. She ordered an x-ray that came back negative, but due to the fact that the pain was excruciating and NOT getting better, she ordered and MRI. So yesterday I endured my SECOND MRI in 4 months (had one on my back in June) -- yuccchh. And today they call and say "You DO have a fracture -- we missed it on the x-ray -- you need to see an orthopedic surgeon right away!"

So now I'm waiting to find out if I'll be wearing a cast when I jump into my husband's arms in 16 days and hurl my lead foot around his waist. Heehee... GREEEAAT! (note sarcasm)... And I pray they will saw it off before the ball! Won't I be elegant in my formal gown and ONE high heel, and on crutches! Grrr...

Yeah, and the doc said "Stay off of it." Riiiiiiight. Yeah, I can do THAT with 3 kids and my husband 3000 miles away. Uh-huh.

Anyway, hope you all enjoyed that little anecdote. I call it "How I Broke My Ankle Kicking the Dog." hardee-har-har.


Thursday, October 12, 2006


Holy SHIT!!! It's been 200 days since I last saw my husband. Jeez, it's been quite a while since my last blog, too. By the way, happy birthday to my favorite Uncle, Drunkle Wolf. He's the only one of Drew's friends who has cared enough to (regularly) help ease my burdens while he's away.

There are only about 3 more weeks until Drew's homecoming -- HOORAY!!! It's so exciting but so nerve-wracking at the same time. There is so much to do to prepare for the homecoming that I am overwhelmed and just want to shut down most of the time. On the other hand, though, the time is creeping by, and I think the next three weeks are going to be the longest of my life.

I could never have made it this far without my girls, though. Me and 3 of the other unit ladies have been hanging out like it's cool, and it is! We are ALL lonely and sex-deprived and exhausted and missing our men... something NO ONE ELSE understands. Our friendships have formed fast and deep, as we are bonding over such a unique situation. So here's to you (in alphabetical order, of course), Allison, Jessica, and Valerie. I love you guys and I couldn't have made it through without y'all! Better to be bored together than alone, right?

Anyway, I've been very busy lately. Me and the girls are getting together at LEAST twice a week, and there's the military support group bi-weekly, Twin's Club Mom's Night Out monthly (of which I am now in charge, tyvm), working out (or trying to) 3 times a week, chauffeuring the kids to and from school, attempting to domesticate my wild puppy, etc., etc...

So time flies when I'm busy. It's just those seemingly endless lulls between activities that get me. When household responsibilities stare me in the face and I resist them, procrastinating as usual (Allison, you know what that's like...:)). I just want to sleep, to make the time pass. And let's not forget my poor ankles!!! One I injured kicking the dog off of me a few weeks ago and it's still hurting; getting worse, not better. And then 3 days later, I went out dancing with the girls and twisted the OTHER ankle while slightly tipsy and walking around in platforms. The twisted one is better, but the banged one friggin' HURTS! I's really getting in the way of housework.

Well, gotta go make myself useful.

Saturday, September 2, 2006


I haven't blogged in a while, so I guess it's time. I've been "super-duper, twenty-hundred, super, SUPER" busy lately (<---quoting Robby there). I've graduated from physical therapy for my back and am on to massage therapy and a regular exercise regime. I'm wearing myself out at the gym and having some sharp pains in my back again, but my butt's getting firmer (hooray!!). Hope I blow Drew away with my new HARD BODY when he gets home (note sarcasm).

I've been getting a lot of help from various military-related organizations, who have been bringing meals and paying for a cleaning service. That's REALLY helped a LOT. Now I have TIME to go to the gym and work on organizing all of our shit. I pretty much finished redecorating the master bedroom, dark red being the main color with browns and tans to accent. It's going to be such a nice sancuary for us when Drew gets home. Only TWO MORE MONTHS, by the way! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that I have an approximate return time-frame, I really have something to look forward to, and I'm counting DOWN the days, instead of just UP. I'm feeling a little pressured to get certain things done in this timeframe, and that's good 'cause it's motivating. I haven't even cried in several weeks, I think, although that kinda worries me, as if it's been too long and the clouds are ready to burst at any moment.

Things, all around, have been better now that all this help has enabled me to gain control of my life (somewhat). Certain songs still make my heart wrench, and I really am not listening to a lot of country music lately because it's mostly too emotional for me. And I still don't want to hear about anyone else's romance/sex life, unless it's a lack thereof (because with THAT I can sympathize!)! I've basically become accustomed to being numb about other people's problems.

One certain friend has pointed out repeatedly that I have become a real bitch. Oh well. I don't have it in me to care. The only person I REALLY care about thinking I'm a bitch isn't around to see it, AND if he WERE here, I'm certain that bitch in me would pack her bags and make like a bird. So in the meantime, I guess I'll just be a bitch. People really should understand why. But they don't. I'm expected to go right on with my life with a big damn fake smile on my face and pretend that I'm not completely broken down inside.

But it's okay. Someday those people will have something horrible happen to them and I will be laughing inside. Yes, I am bitter. And a bitch. But so what? Love me or leave me. Karma will take care of the rest.

"So what if you can see / the darkest side of me / somebody help me tame this animal I have become.

"Somebody wake me from this nightmare / I can't escape this Hell..."

- Three Days Grace

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"where'd you go?"

I heard this song for the first time sitting in the parking lot of Savannah Grande the day Shelby's little sister graduated high school. I heard it and my jaw nearly dropped. Even though it's about a musician's wife, the references to hating him being away all the time and her being sick of his career all ring true for me.

I think every deployed marine's wife entertains the idea of leaving once she has reached that point where she can't take it anymore. That certainly explains the "95 percent divorce rate in the first year of active duty." The military lifestyle is definately NOT condusive to a healthy marriage.

When I first heard those statistics, I was shocked and disbelieving. I couldn't understand how a strong marriage couldn't survive some separation, especially when it's not voluntary. But now I totally understand. I can't honestly say that if we didn't have children and I didn't depend on him financially if I wouldn't be pursuing my own life's happiness right now by trying to fill the void he has left in my life.

I guess it's a good thing we DO have children and I DO depend on him financially. 'Cause this lonliness and depression is really getting to me. I'm hangin' on by a thin thread. But, as they say, "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." I've tied the knot, and I'm hanging on for dear life.

I really don't have a lot of options, anyway. And I DO love him, more than he knows; more than anyone will ever know. I know I shouldn't be angry with him -- he didn't WANT to leave us. But he still did. And life goes on, with or without him. But without him, life blows.

I know he's worried about me cheating. The other day I had to remind him what's inside his wedding ring: "Semper Fidelis." For all you lay-people, that's latin for "always faithful," and it also happens to be the Marine Corps motto. Dual meaning there, sneaky me. If it weren't for him joining the marines, he never would've gone to war the first time and we never would've written and fell in love through the mail. We probably wouldn't be together. And by permanently inscribing this pledge inside his ring, I have cemented it in my mind that I WILL BE ALWAYS FAITHFUL. No matter how hard it is right now, I will keep my word.

And if you're wondering, inside my wedding ring it says "Loved You First." That goes back to how long he's been after me... 10 years he waited for me. One day he said "I love you" and I replied "I love you more!" and he came back with "Well, I loved YOU FIRST!" And so the running joke began. So sweet.

I'm just lonely and missing him and venting right now. This shit just plain sucks. I will survive somehow. I want to be strong and make him proud. I don't want us to become another statistic.

But damn, I can't wait for that homecoming. I dream about it a lot. How I will be sobbing and clinging to him saying "Don't you ever leave me again!!" Or maybe just thrilled and kissing him like there's no tomorrow. I don't really know. It never ends up being like I expect, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

"Where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone. Please come back home..."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


I'm just sitting here thinking about Drew (AGAIN). I wish there were an approximate return date so I could count DOWN to it, instead of just counting UP from when I last saw him (day 108 and counting!).

This is torture. Pure torture. My new default pic shows me staring stone-faced at the place across the altar where he should have been at his sister's wedding this past Saturday. I was actually quite surprised to see that expression on my face. My mom took that picture. It really is worth a thousand words.

I broke down at the reception, long about the time the first dance rolled around. I had to get up and leave. I was on the verge of collapsing into those infamous uncontrollable sobs I speak of so damn often. I walked to the bridge and stood, facing away from the reception hall, tears just pouring from my eyes. He should have been there.

When we spoke on the phone on Sunday, he mentioned, out of the blue, that the song "My Best Friend" by Tim Mcgraw had been stuck in his mind for days. He said "I just can't get it out of my head!"

That was the song we had our first dance to at our wedding.

I just put my head on my knees and squeezed my eyes shut when he said that.

He doesn't even have a copy of that song with him. I took care of that yesterday, though, burning him a new mix CD I entitled "Songs for my Lover." It will be included in the next package.

Sometimes I am just so damn angry at him. For leaving me here, like this. I want to frickin' strangle hime for leaving while we had so many unresolved issues. Sometimes I want to yell at him, ask him why he fucked up so much, why he wants to hurt me. I still haven't gotten as heartfelt of apologies as I want in order to be satisfied. I want him to kiss my feet and BEG for forgiveness, in tears.

I am by no means trying to claim innocence, here, and if he wants apologies, too, he needs to ask for them. My problem is that the pouty "sorry!" i usually get from him is not fucking good enough. He needs to show me. He needs to fucking cry about it.

I know he's got it rough right now, too, but GODDAMNIT! I swear to GOD, I am in HELL! I hate to bitch when he's not around to defend himself, but JEEZUS, all I HAVE are my thoughts! The little devil and the little angel are at war, too -- full throttle -- inside my head. Part of me says "fuck him!" and wants to just run away, change my name, and start over as some anonymous person somewhere. But most of me wants to prove my strength and faithfulness. That part will always win, thanks to a little thing called a conscience, but the other part will always be there, too, peaking its little horns up from time to time.

I take my marriage vows very seriously, and this is just part of the "..or for worse." [actually, OUR vows said " good times and in bad...," so technically this is the BAD]. FUCK THIS!!!!

Why does the heart have to love? Why can't I just say fuck it, I don't care, I'll just go out and fuck random people so I can remember what it's like to be touched. NOPE. I guess I'll just have to wait till he gets home to remember how that feels. It sucks because I DO remember. And I miss it. I haven't been touched in 108 days. [barring friends and children]

I totally understand why marine wives have affairs. It's not because they don't love their husbands. It's out of sheer desperation. Human need. Human beings need intimacy, both emotional and physical. I feel like there is a brick wall between me and intimacy right now. Phone calls and letters are great and all, but it just doesn't cut it.

The Michelle that Drew knows is known ONLY by him. Sorry to all you others, but there are things I talk about and do (of course) ONLY with him. That person, the REAL me, is stifled now. The inside jokes no one else understands, the memories that no one else shares... it's just fucking torture! I can't stand this!!!

I still can't believe how much I miss that fucking asshole. But I do. And I love him, forever.

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

100 days...

It's official. As of yesterday, July 4th, it's been 100 days since I saw Drew last. And Monday, July 3rd, was our 3 year anniversary (of the day he came home from Iraq the LAST time, our first kiss, our first OFFICIAL day as a couple, and the rest is left to your imagination!).

Most of you know that Drew and I got started (romantically) when we wrote to eachother faithfully for months when he was there for the invasion, and somehow ended up falling in love through our letters (yeah, yeah, how flippin' romantic). Of course our friendship stems back to the sixth grade, when Drew decided that he was in love with me and would pursue me to the ends of the earth (I kinda got that creepy, overbearing, psycho-stalker vibe from him, as we had not yet hit puberty!) [<-- that was for you, Shelby]

Anyway, we grew up and he got HOT! (and the marine thing didn't hurt, either.) And then he went to war and I freaked out, thinking I couldn't let him die not knowing that I really did care! And so the letter-writing began.

So the day he came home was a BIG day for us. It was the moment of truth. And I'll be damned if the crowd didn't part and the world didn't stop turning when the time came for us to embrace -- FINALLY. I will never in my life forget that first kiss... so long, slow, tender, and sweet. And right there in front of his parents and little sister! Ask me if I gave a fuck!

And the rest is history. Just wanted to reminisce about that wonderful day. And I can't fuckin' wait till we can do that first-kiss-after-coming-home-from-war thing again. But this time I will stick my tongue down his throat and wrap my legs around his waist and someone needs to take a picture!

*sigh* only 3 more months. blech.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Lonliness, part 2

I just had to stop yesterday, but there is so much more to say... but it's so hard to find the words... So here we go again:

I never in my life imagined missing Drew SO truly, madly, deeply (sorry, I had to). Never. This experience is so unlike any other, and one that can't possibly be understood until you go through it yourself (which I would HAPPILY wish upon my enemies).

That is why it has become my goal to try and express it as thoroughly as possible. I welcome feedback, too. I know that yesterday's blog was viewed 21 times, but only ONE person felt enough to comment on it (thanks Shelby!).

I know that everyone thinks they have been SO in love, or has experienced the heartbreak that I feel, but the truth is, everyone's experiences are radically different depending on exact circumstances. I can't even say that other wives of deployed marines know how this is for me, because how does anyone know if their love runs as deep as Drew's and mine? Is anyone else's marriage as magickal as ours? I only know one couple who (in my opinion) can compare, and they are not in the military.

I can't describe how insanely jealous I am when I see a couple together. I want to ask the woman if she realizes just how lucky she is that she has her man next to her. Safe. Within touching distance. There to talk to, laugh with, even fight with! What I wouldn't give to be able to have a good screaming argument with Drew, in person, right now. Yes, I even miss the shitty things.

I miss losing sleep because of his incessent snoring. I miss waking up shivering in the middle of the night because somehow he has acquired ALL of the covers. I miss sleeping crammed into the side of the bed because he has somehow managed to take up the ENTIRE king sized bed. And that's just what I miss about sleeping. He really is a horrible bedmate, but I don't give a fuck. He's my husband, and I want him back.

I miss watching him interact with our children, feeling that surge of love strike my heart as I see how this man that I love so much melts into a puddle of tenderness when he sees his life's blood. Seeing how becomming a father has softened him in some ways and hardened him in others... there's just no describing the feeling that ensues.

I miss laying awake in the dark, pillow talking with him instead of getting much-needed sleep. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him there next to me, sleeping soundly, and repositioning myself so that we are two spoons nestled in a drawer. I love how I fit so perfectly in his strong arms.

I hate how I've become so emotionally vulnerable. I hate how every damn song I hear has to remind me of him, somehow, inevitably. I hate how I love him so goddamn much. I hate how much I need him to function properly. I hate that this experience has broken me; turned me into a blithering idiot.

I hate how my hard exterior is crumbling. I hate that the strong-willed, independent woman I was has given way to a cowering, weak cry-baby. I hate how I can't even get through writing a fuckin blog without soaking the keyboard with my pussyfied tears.

I hate how this experience is driving me to expose my deepest, previously well-hidden emotions to anyone with a myspace account! But I don't even really care anymore. I want the whole world to know how this war is breaking the military family members.

And don't forget about the permanent effects this whole damn thing will have on the poor guys serving our country! Try for one second to imagine the magnitude of problems that each and every one of them is going to have to deal with every day for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. And of course, how their loved ones will be affected, residually.

War breaks people, and damages relationships. Drew and I will eagerly crash into eachother's arms when the time comes, and cling to eachother, each needing our combined strength, however depleted, to recover and somehow carry on with our strange new way of life.

And now, I need a nap. I'm just too emotionally exhausted to be conscious right now.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Lonliness, part 1

I wish I could describe just what life is like for me these days.

Try to imagine a bowling ball sitting in your chest, suspended by your heartstrings, so heavy that sometimes you feel like you can't breathe.

Try to imagine loving someone so much that life without him is absolutely unbearable, pointless and painful.

Imagine having countless songs remind you of him, or the lack of him, stabbing so deeply you must pull together every last bit of self control you have to keep from breaking down into uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs.

Imagine living every minute of every day wondering if this person you love so deeply is safe, or even still alive.

There's no one to talk to in the dark of your bedroom at night.

The person on whom you lean the most, who knows you better than you know yourself, who knows exactly how and when to comfort you...he's not there.

He's not there to share the burdens of parenthood, chores, and obligations.

He's not there to watch the children growing and learning more every day. These memories are and always will be yours alone.

Imagine not being able to do the things you do best to comfort and take care of him.

You can't see him.

You can't hear him.

You can't smell his scent or touch his body.

You can't feel his warmth next to you in your big, cold, empty bed.

You don't have his feet and legs to entertwine yours with as you fall asleep at night.

You can't remind him to take his meds/vitamins.

You can't pour that extra mug of coffee in the morning.

You can't fall asleep with his arm nestled around your neck, his fingers delicately wandering through your hair, drooling on his right nipple while he sits up reading till wee hours.

Imagine your heart barely holding itself together, ready to disintigrate at any moment.

Now imagine that these feelings are not caused by being dumped, blown off, ignored, or misunderstood.

Not caused by divorce.

Not caused by widowing.

Not incarceration or a conventional lengthy business trip.

It is worse...much worse.

He's alive, he loves me, he misses me, he wants to be here with me. We are happily married. We have three children who he loves and misses deeply.

But we can't be together. Because of this stupid fucking "war."

He's been gone for nearly SEVEN MONTHS.

Thats close to TWO HUNDRED DAYS our home has not been his residence.

I haven't touched him in 86 days.

We are separated by 3000 miles of ocean and hostile desert.

He now sleeps with a gun in his arms, instead of me.

I will not be whole again until I replace that gun.

Until then, I am a deeply fragmented version of who I was.

I am now broken.


And numb.

Thursday, May 4, 2006


Good and bad and in-between news...

We've been battling illness upon illness lately in this house (as you all well know), and now that we WERE all well, the kids are starting to come down with a cold, AGAIN! I just pray I don't catch it this time.

But, I FINALLY heard from Drew on Monday... we talked for 22 wonderful minutes. He sounded good, as in, not depressed. Maybe a little frustrated with "bullshit" that is ALWAYS occurring in the Marine Corps, but still high spirited. And today I got my first letter from him. It was nice to hold something he had touched, but makes me worry to read about IED explosions he has witnessed.

Anyway, on a more celebratory note [you all owe me $10 for that word], the twins got into the school where Robby has been going for 3 years, and they start May 15!!! Unfortunately I don't have any choice in how often they go, so all three kids will be there Monday thru Friday. YAY!!! Finally, I get a relief! Maybe I will actually get to clean and organize the house! [wow, I get excited over weird things...] So, I'm looking forward to being able to actually HANDLE all the responsibilities that are on my plate right now. And to answer your questions:

NO, I am not going back to school [yet, at least], and...

NO, I am NOT planning to get a job! I already have several; it's called Mother, surrogate Father, housekeeper, laundress, accountant, cook, chauffeur, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH..... SO FUCK ALL OF Y'ALL WHO THINK I'LL BE SITTIN' ON MY ASS ALL DAY WATCHING SOAP OPERAS AND PAINTING MY TOENAILS!!!

Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest... I DO plan on taking some time for ME once the kids are all in school, but I am by no means LAZY. My intentions are to get the damn house clean first and foremost!

Anyway, got a girlfriend in crisis on the phone...gotta go.

Monday, April 24, 2006


Why is it that whenever I'm feeling sad or down or depressed or WHATEVER, I just HAVE to listen to sad and/or depressing music?? It just makes everything worse, but for some reason, I cope by wallowing in the depths of despair for a while. It helps me release my pain, and then I can carry on.

Courtney and Juniors' wedding was depressing. I DON'T cry in public, or even in front of my girlfriends, but I was BAWLING at this freakin wedding. So many damn problems occurred BEFORE the wedding (stained dress, thunderstorm, dead bouquets...LOTS of Xanax being passed out...), and everyone was just so releived to GET TO THE ALTAR. Everyone was crying. Me and the other 2 bridesmaids just stood there, tears dripping onto our silk dresses, no one having thought to bring tissues.

It was the single worst day since I've seen my husband (29 days now). Fuck the stomache flu, ear infections.... I had to sit and watch the most moving personal wedding vows EVER, and be there without my Heart. I'm sure when I get a copy of the video, I will see myself in the background, convoluting my face while trying my damnedest NOT to burst out into uncontrollable sobs. I choked and forced a pained smile. The reception was equally depressing, especially because this couple is THE couple that Drew and I are best friends with... we make a great foursome (NO sexual inuendo here). We are so alike as couples: MADLY in love, kinky, adventurous, etc., and so I sat and watched them be that way and all I could think about was how IT'S NOT FAIR that Drew can't be here!!! GODDAMNIT! Shitty, shitty, shitty! MOTHERFUCKER! There just aren't enough cuss words!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Anyway, I still haven't heard from Drew since the 14th. I know he checked his email last night, though. AH-HA! Drew, you better call me! If you can check your email, you can pick up a phone! Or at least send me an email!!! I love you and miss you and NEED to hear your voice, babe. I just don't work without you.

Oh, and by the way, I may be getting promoted to Key Volunteer COORDINATOR soon... yay, more work for me! But, let me tell you, I DO like the thought of being at the TOP of the phone tree! I get the info straight from the CO. woohoo!

Well, gotta go shower now. babies are sleeping and i stink!


Thursday, April 20, 2006

today in my own personal hell...

Today has been weird. I've just been in a weird mood. I've already taken ONE xanax, and i fear when it wears off i'll just need another one. I feel like i'm always teetering on the edge of a breakdown, or anxiety attack...i don't even know what to call it. what i DO know is that i don't like feeling this way -- AT ALL. i haven't gotten any letters from drew yet, and it's been 6 days since he last called. so much stressful shit has gone down since i saw him last (25 days and counting), and my emotional strength is depleting rapidly.

i feel like i really need a vacation from all this... and even though i've got a 3 day weekend without the kids coming up (tomorrow), it will NOT be restful... my good friend is getting married and i'm in the wedding...making broaches for all the bridesmaids (not finished yet!)...helping prepare the food for the recption...then unpacking at their new house on sunday before a trip to the commissary (NAS-JAX), then driving home to get the kids and start this hell all over again.

i just PRAY that the twins get into the preschool starting summer A (early may). they've been on the waiting list for over a year, and their getting in SOON is what will determine how much longer my pseudo-sanity will last.

all i want to do right now is curl up in my bed and cry -- i miss my husband SO MUCH it is interfearing with my daily routines... everytime i see a picture, or hear about other peoples' romantic escapades, or see something lovey-dovey on tv, i fade out into this numb, silent place where i dwell in the fact that i am so utterly ALONE. and that i may never even see my dear heart alive again.

my sinus infection is taking it's sweet motherfucking time resolving, i can't sleep without codeine cough syrup, all my kids are cranky and miserable and two of them are teething. NO ONE in this house has slept through the night in over 2 weeks. i am exhausted and depressed and lonely and frustrated and want to run away and hide.

"Wake me up when September ends" never struck me as deeply as it does now. after september, the days will be closing in to drew's return. too bad it's only april...

when drew and i said our goodbyes that sunday afternoon in the barracks parking lot in "whorehouse bay," some other marine was working on his jeep, and blasting his stereo. as we stood there, trembling and hugging so long and hard and tears streaming down my face and drew trying so hard to be strong for me (but i could see the tears in his eyes), a song came on that will replay in my mind forever..."The most lonliest day of my life..." (who is that, system of a down?) anyway, we pulled back and looked at eachother, and shared one last morbidly humorous moment... "well, isn't THIS appropriate," i said, forcing a smile while sniffling and wiping my tears. "Yeah, really!" he replied, blinking hard.

And it was.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

to my everyday heroes...

This is to everyone who is helping me through my difficult time:

To Shelby, who comes over as often as possible, keeps me company, makes me laugh, lends a hand with my kids, helping the roughest part of the day go by more quickly and smoothly... THANK YOU.

To Wolf, who spends most of his weekends here, delighting in the company of my children, changing diapers as if they were HIS children, bringing LEGO STARWARS to keep Robby happy and occupied, offering to babysit, doing yardwork, and watching my girly primetime shows with me... THANK YOU.

To Katie, my sister-in-law, who comes over to visit ME, babysits relentlessly and for no charge (except dinner as often as i can) AND does surprise housework while I'm out, and who my children adore... THANK YOU.

To my parents-in-law, who have bent over backwards on a regular basis, keeping my kids while i have to go out of town, offering me weekends at the beach (ALONE), babysitting almost whenever i need it, taxiing Robby home from school for me, bringing dinner when we're sick, helping me catch up on the chores, missing my husband as much as I do (well, almost ;)), checking on me often, offering anything i need and asking nothing in return...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I will never be able to thank them enough.

To Carlie, for talking to me on the phone almost every day, listening to me vent, and reminding me of my OWN advice: "This, too, shall pass!" And for coming over, when her schedule allows, to hang out, watch the kids play, talk about EVERYTHING, and discuss our dreams for future entrepreneurial careers... THANK YOU.

To Courtney, for KNOWING when I need her, driving all the way from jax to help me clean my house, offering advice and encouragement, and driving her long-distance bill through the roof with our hours-long phone conversations... THANK YOU.

And finally, to my dear husband, Drew, whose love and commitment are my anchor. He supported my desire to be a stay-at-home mom, making a living that allows us to afford that (and even wants MORE kids), calls me from the front-lines to let me know he's still safe, and is risking his life to do what he was born to do; protect our freedom! I love you forever, Sgt. Neilson!!!


[and if i didn't list you, don't feel neglected, it's because i'm tring to do this as quickly as possible as my children are running rampant around the house right now...more later as i find time!!]


Michelle Montague Neilson

Saturday, April 15, 2006

how i'm doing now...

so, i haven't seen my husband in 20 days. it's been rough, especially since all three kids and I have had a nasty cold (thanks again, shelby). My cold turned into a sinus infection and the twins both have ear infections. Robby is the only one who seems to have escaped the worst of it. Drew called yesterday from Iraq while I was at the pediatrician with Devin. We only talked for about 3 minutes because it was midnight where he was and he needed to go to sleep.

After we hung up tears started streaming down my face as I was checking out of the doctor's office. When I got in the van I lost it -- poor Devin sat there like and angel while I cried. Then I drove to Publix and sat in the parking lot and cried some more. When I went in to get some prescriptions filled, I wandered around like a zombie, throwing various grocery items into the cart and waiting for the pharmacy to finish up.

All the stress from the past few weeks had just built up too much, and I have been missing Drew so much but trying not to think about it. But after hearing his voice, my guard came tumbling down and all the repressed emotion came pouring out.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching in the past few days, mainly because my sister and I had a huge fight and she told me I'm a selfish bitch and my friends won't confront me because they are afraid of me. I realize I am selfish and bitchy, but being selfish is part of being in survival mode, and being bitchy is part of being a stay-at-home mom who's husband is 3000 miles away and in a warzone. I desperately need help, and lots of it, but my sis made it blatantly obvious that I have no right to ask for it. I chose to marry a Marine, so I have to deal with him being gone. I chose to have three children (meaning I chose NOT to have abortions), so I have to deal with all the stresses of being a mom. alone. I made my own bed. now i lay in it and cry. this is what my family tells me. i have no right to complain or ask for help because i did this to myself. and if i do ask for help, i will lose my friends.

I'm sorry, but my definition of a friend is someone who is there for you in good times and in bad, helping you when you need help and getting help from you when they need it. but apparently i am wrong. apparently friends are people who come over to visit and talk and drink all your alcohol and eat all your food use your hot water and complain about how difficult your children are and then not do anything in return but complain even more. and if ishould ask for help with my overwhelming list of chores, they will feel used and abused and afraid of me. well, wasn't i way off!

anyway, more later.

ADDENDUM (edited to add on 4/18/06):
Apparently, not everyone picked up on the sarcasm in my last blog. the "friends" i was defining were referring to what my sister made apparent to me while doing her best to drive me to suicide. The lazy, ungrateful person i was talking about was HER, not anyone else, so rest easy, my dear friends. My sister and i had a big fight, and i kicked her out of my house with the reasoning that if my husband cut me down as hatefully and frequently as she was, i would DIVORCE him. And, you can all bet, that if Drew were here, he would have kicked her out long before i did for disrespecting his wife. so boo-yah!

and i don't give a fuck that anyone with a myspace account can read this, dear sister!! you should know by now that i excel at passive-aggressive revenge!! so here it is! next time watch your fucking mouth!!!!

to the rest of you, thank you for your continued support, and i love you all.

Michelle M. Neilson

Thursday, March 16, 2006

happier note (sort of...)

My hubby is home (yes, he called and apologized the next day!). It's so nice to have him here; things are almost like normal (he's annoying me :P), with the exception of the looming departure, of course. Only 2 days left until we leave for North Carolina (9 days without kids -- YAY for me!).

I'm starting to get a little nervous now that there is so little time left. I'm worried about him having to say goodbye to the kids and how he will cope with that while we are in NC. I'm not yet even touching the subject of my own preparation for this separation. Too much to deal with right now. *sigh*

Tomorrow morning we have a family portrait photo shoot thingy at 9am (I'm going to be tired). So I should go to bed.

Signing off, you weird people who read my blog.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

complaining again...

i am in a foul disposition. i am fighting with my husband over something he sees as trivial, and i'm being stubborn in wanting to get my point across, but at the same time, i am desperate to have him kiss my feet and beg for forgiveness. i feel panic because there is a conflict that is hanging in the air, as we are seperated by 500 miles and 2 busy schedules. i miss him so much it literally causes chest pain (heartache), but i am hurting and offended and wanting to make it better but not wanting to back down. what the fuck is up with these damn marital mind games?!

he'll be home in 6 days for leave and i am freaking out about THAT because we have an unresolved conflict right now. this week is supposed to be exciting and happy, preparing for a blissful 2 weeks of love and laughs (i should write greeting cards), but instead i'm depressed and laying on the couch all day waiting for him to call and apologize. he and i are both so bull-headed, though, that i feel like neither of us will EVER give in!!

every time we fight, we'll do the silent treatment thing, and 98% of the time, it's ME that gives in, just to keep the peace! every time, i tell myself..."not this time..." and everytime, i can't wait and i make the first move. the shittiest part is, though, that now he KNOWS i'll cave first. so he never will. it makes me feel like i'm the desperate, co-dependant one, and he has control of me. i HATE that!


what the fuck. i'll just go curl up inour big, empty bed and cry now. i can only take so much.

Friday, February 17, 2006

for those of you who think i'm "happy"

This is for those of you who read my profile and conclude that I am "happy." Yes, I AM happily married to the love of my life, but right now I am in no way "happy." My soul mate is 500 miles away from me, I haven't seen him in 6 weeks (and counting), and I am managing a household AND THREE SMALL CHILDREN all by myself.

I have VERY little down time, and the chores/housework never end!!! I am struggling to be a good mom, good wife, and preserve my mental health all at the same time. That means squeezing about 40 hours worth of work/duties/activities into a 24 hour day (this includes trying to get 8 hours of sleep). There is never enough time or energy for everything. Granted, my in-laws have been VERY helpful, often bending over backwards to help me out, but it's still not enough. No amount of "help" can replace a spouse.

On top of all that, I am constantly reminded by various sources (the media being one, my own imagination another) that my husband will be entering a VERY DANGEROUS war zone for the second time in his life in just a few short weeks. I wonder how it's going to turn out. Will he come home alive? Injured and/or disabled?? In a flag-draped pine box??? Completely traumatized? What will happen to ME?

Take someone with PTSD and put him right back where he got it in the first place and what do you think will happen? Will the effect be compounded? Exponentially? How will I deal with that? CAN I deal with that?

Will I lash out at him because he "left me" all alone to deal with our life by myself? Will I hate him for it? Will he hate ME for it? Will our children remember him?




Now, these are all the negative aspects; I generally try not to think about these things too much, and I am ever optimistic. Our marriage is as rock-solid as it can be considering all the bumps we've had in our road (some of you know what I'm talking about; some may not). I think the likelihood of it all turning out okay is fairly high, but the journey to that outcome will be loooong and very trying for us both. And lots of drugs and counseling are going to be needed to help us along. OBVIOUSLY. (<--that was for you, Shelby)

Anyway, I just wanted everyone to know that I am NOT terribly happy with life right now. Call me selfish or co-dependant if you want (and I'm sure I am a little of both), but I need my Drew. Without him I just don't work. The next 9 months will be the most difficult of my life (and Drew's, I'm sure), and I'm hanging on by a thin thread as it is.

Just had to get that out there. And now it is. In cyberspace. ***sigh***