I see the picnic blanket by the front door and it reminds me
of a time when my life was simpler, happier, carefree. Well, that sounds awfully utopian. It’s not, really. Just compared to now, it was definitely those
things. I see that blanket and I am
reminded of lazy afternoons at the gardens, the weather in the 70’s and breezy –
paradise -- while the kids romp in nature and the mamas lay around chatting and basking in the sunshine on said
blanket. The buffet of snacks is
intermittently being raided by hungry children, taking a small break from their
rumpus to refuel.
Thinking of that buffet of snacks brings to mind a fact that
I have been in denial of. Since my
children started school and are eating 10 meals a week there, they have lost
their appetites for some of what used to be staple foods in our diet. They still love raw veggies, all kinds of
fruit, and boiled eggs. But they have
lost their appetite for most nuts and seeds.
That seems like a ridiculous thing for me to be stuck on, but yet I am. I guess it’s because in my attempt to steer
our family toward a healthier/whole foods diet, I value nuts and seeds as a
convenient, portable snack that meets the craving for crunchy, and maybe salty,
and provides protein and fat, which are great fuel in a small package. So now, they want chips and crackers. What the hell are they feeding them at
school?? I mean, I already knew that the
menus at school are sub-par to my own preferences for my children, but I force
myself to turn a blind eye because financially, we need them to be eating 10
meals a week there. That, and I just cannot
be bothered to pack 3-4 lunches per weeknight.
It would just be one more thing on my never-ending to-do list. I barely manage to prep the coffee maker the
night before, which is something I need to do because for some reason, I cannot
bear the thought of getting out of bed in the morning unless I can smell fresh
coffee. Weird?
There is a name for my daily struggle. Sleep Inertia. Like, that’s a clinical term. I ran across it while researching child
mental health a while back and I had a bit of an epiphany. Bipolar people often have extreme difficulty
waking up in the morning. If I am woken
suddenly, my heart pounds and I shake. Side
effect of a medication? Maybe. I really have no idea why it takes me so long
to get moving in the morning. I swear I have
to lay in bed for like an hour before I can muster the strength to get out of
it. And I don’t believe it is a
depression thing, although some may say that I have been in a perpetual state
of varying degrees of depression for most of my life. (Except
when I’m manic, of course. Well,
hypomanic, as my meds allow. Slightly different
monster, but most people don’t know the difference so I just say manic. It’s shorter too. Less syllables.) So. The theory behind Sleep Inertia is,
obviously, that my body does not come out of sleep state as easily as the
average person. It literally takes me
hours to feel truly awake. Drinking lots
of coffee when I’m very sleep deprived does not do much more than make me jittery
and weak, and sometimes even makes me feel even MORE incapacitated. Weird again.
Okay. Random tangent over. Back to the picnic blanket. Playdates.
Socializing. Group meetups. They are all in the past. Last year turned my world upside down, and
while some things have calmed down, my life is so very different than it used
to be, and I know I will never get back to the way it was. My baby isn’t a baby anymore, and I will
never have another baby. I’m okay with that
part, and there is a tremendous feeling of freedom to know that we are out of
babyland forever and can finally start living in a way we have been unable to
do for the past 10 years. So it’s
bittersweet. Most of my local friends are in
the early stages of motherhood. They have
one, maybe two children, none of which are school age. Or they ARE school age, and our paths have
parted due to normal life circumstances.
And that’s okay. It’s like
graduating from high school and going our separate ways. It’s not personal, it’s just life.
Point is, I feel a little lonely. On one hand, the introvert in me can finally
breathe and nurture its need for me to get plenty of alone time. I do not handle chaos well. It really freaks me out and I yell and throw
tantrums (sort of). It’s not pretty, and
it’s definitely not who I desire to be. (At least I'm mindful of it?) So
now the kids are in school, Robby has been shipped off to a “boarding school”
for troubled kids, and the 3 year old is now officially addicted to TV. And I let her get that way. Sometimes I feel like I’m an unfit mother. Not
because my 3 y/o watches too much TV (I’m sure there are many kids out there
who watch more, and with much worse content), but because I am enabling her addiction
just so she’ll leave me alone. I feel
guilt about that, but part of me is selfishly attempting to take care of my own
needs first, and what I need is to be left alone. A lot.
On the other hand, for lack of fostering more than one or
two close friendships in my new life (new as in in the past 5-6 years, since I hooked
up with the AP crowd), I do feel alone. Schedules
make it difficult to meet up with people.
Everyone’s life circumstances are constantly changing. A new job here, a divorce there, a far away
move thrown in for good measure. But now,
because of my son’s facility placement, I get to regularly visit with some dear,
dear friends that I have lost touch with over the past few years for various
reasons. I feel I can be ME around
them. That is what I define as a close
friendship. We may have our differences,
but we speak of them gently or not at all.
That’s okay. We mesh well in
enough other ways that those other things don’t matter.
I am starting to feel like I’m getting the old me back. Someone who has been suppressed for years as I
have tried to transform myself into someone I so desperately want to be. If there is one thing that my various
experiences over the past 3 years or so have taught me, it’s to stop giving a
damn. Do what works for you. Compromise.
There is no such thing as perfection.
Let some things go. Those who
mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. I am healing. Long road. Long journey. Neverending.
I have lost my train of thought. I’ll close now since my back is hurting from
this typing posture. Wah.
