Tomorrow morning I will be dumping diapers into the washing machine for the first time in over a week. WHEW. My back is killing me. I know that if I had to handwash in order to cloth diaper, I would. But man. Mother Nature blessed me with a slightly crooked spine, and that makes this kind of thing extra stressful and painful. I would probably have to experiment more with washing methods to figure out which is the least stressful on my back, as I only did the kitchen sink method (as described in the previous post), and then the bathtub just once (this last washing...which I waited waaay too long to do and ended up with 20 dipes to wash!). Regretfully, I didn't take any pictures of the bathtub method (sorry -- i know, bad blogger!), but I will describe it in detail below:
1. Dump out wet pail in tub to drain. Lean on pile of wet dipes to help squeeze out excess water (the poopy ones had been pre-rinsed in the sink prior to being thrown into the wet pail).
2. Plug drain and start hot water running, with lye soap bar sitting in the tub near the faucet. Place washboard in tub in scrubbing position. Separate the poopy dipes to one side of the washboard -- these will be soaped and scrubbed first to provide more suds for the rest of the stuff. (Trying not to over-soap again.) Shut off water when everything is covered (about 6" deep).
3. Soap the board and scrub each poopy diaper until all the poop is out. Do the same for poop-stained wipes, and nursing pads (not that they are poo-stained, just that I want to make sure they're extra clean). Stir everything together for a minute in the hot soapy water using large, wooden laundry paddle (I felt like I was sitting on the edge of a canoe, paddling the inside of it, heheh). Drain water, sweep everything to the end of the tub away from the drain, knead/press/squeeze out remaining water.
4. Replug drain, turn on warm water again. Fill to about 6" again, and shut off water. Stir with laundry paddle for a minute or two, lifting and dunking each dipe by hand. Drain water, sweep everything to the end of the tub away from the drain, kneed/press/squeeze out remaining water.
5. Repeat #4 for second rinse. After draining, wring each item thoroughly and toss into awaiting laundry basket.
6. Set up wooden racks outside, snap out each item (3x each per diaper -- woooo! the misting!) and drape over racks neatly.
I did this pretty late in the day and only had a few hours (or less) of sunshine left, so I had to bring them in and sit the racks under an A/C vent again. It was cutting it really close because I needed to have dipes dry by the time Brigit's bedtime rolled around (which is different every night, heheh). It ended up fine; the dipes were dry enough, and the covers were just slightly damp in the front velcro area, but she didn't seem to mind. :)
~*~*~*~*~
One thing I noticed during this last wash was that the dipes were feeling a little sticky as I wrung, snapped, and hung them up. I think there was a build-up of lye soap residue. I haven't seen any irritation on Baby's bum, nor any repelling, but I do usually use white vinegar in the first rinse cycle in my washer, so perhaps I should have been doing that with the handwashing as well. Oh well. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash (HA!) tomorrow. I mean, the fault can't be with the lye soap alone; it used to be the only option, and people still managed to cloth diaper (um...also the only option at the time ;)).
I do think that if handwashing dipes became an absolute necessity for me, I would not only do lots of experimenting to find the most back-friendly method, but I would most definitely employ some of my children, at least some of the time, to help. Hey, that's why people have lotsa kids...right??? Heeheehee...
Oh, and one more thing...I am seriously considering switching to flats!!! Like, full time! I am really impressed with them, and so thankful that this challenge introduced them to me! But, I will leave the details about that for my next post, in which I will publish my answers to the Challenge's exit survey. Stay tuned! :D
Showing posts with label chores. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chores. Show all posts
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
What I've Learned So Far...Day 5 of the "Flats and Handwashing Challenge"
This week has been interesting. As you may know, I am taking part in the Flats and Handwashing Challenge. Lots of experimenting (but perhaps not enough), lots of aching back muscles. I have found that the actual use of the flats has been no big deal. Sure, they hold less than my fancy dipes and thus have to be changed more often, but that's okay. Brigit is not used to not having a stay-dry liner, so she "asks" to be changed more often anyway. Always keeping us on our toes, that one!
My stash includes 20 (27"x28") flour sack towels (which I am essentially pad-folding with an angel wing poo-pocket), 4 medium Thirsties velcro covers, and a big wool soaker (handknit by me) for over the night diaper. (I am also adding a smaller pad-folded Gerber Flat (about 27"x24") inside the flour sack flat for overnight. No problems so far.) Yes, I am doing this overnight, too, even though the rules state that I don't have to. :D I realize that I could technically have one more regular cover and not count the soaker, but I already had 4 Thirsties covers and the snappi/pins thing just doesn't work well for us, so my ample supply of soakers and other pull-on covers (like these Dappi ones) was kind of useless this week. Incidentally, I am also including my flannel wipes and washable nursing pads in the handwashing. I chose to only use my Dr. Brown's nursing pads and none of my Milk Diapers (which I usually use overnight) because they are thicker and I was concerned about drying time, especially if I had no direct sunshine available (which in Florida, with random thunderstorms, you just never know), I worry about mildew from the humidity and too-long drying times.
This is the routine I've worked out so far (this may still change if I happen to wash again before the challenge ends):
Pail: wet (also serving as presoak). I'm pretty much keeping it in the bathtub, and running more and more water into it as the day goes on to make sure everything in there stays good and saturated. I've also discovered that it makes washing easier if I rinse the poopy ones in the sink (it's EBF poo, so, not too nasty). I squirt 5-6 squirts of half-diluted Biokleen Bac-Out over the mess a few times a day, too.
Wash: I am using my kitchen sink, old fashioned lye soap, and a washboard that I picked up for $10 at our local flea market. So...
1. Dump soaked dipes from pail into right side of sink to drain. Meanwhile, left side of sink is filling with hot water, with the bar of lye soap sitting on the bottom of the sink.
2. Squeeze pail/presoak water out of each individual item and plop it into the hot/soapy sink. Fish out the bar of soap, lather it up (as if washing my hands) then dunk bar and sudsy hands a few times, then place soap bar at the top of the washboard on the soap lip/shelf. Washboard is now perched legs-down in the sink.
3. Agitate the hot/soapy sink fulla dipes with a wooden cooking spoon. Start taking each piece and scrubbing on the washboard. Pee dipes are scrubbed very briefly, as the swishing and dunking in hot/soapy water seem fairly adequate for cleaning them. (I may skip the actual scrubbing of pee dipes next time, and stick to swish/stir/dunk.) Poopy dipes get spot treatment with soap, and extra washboard scrubbing until the poo stains are gone (taking much less work than I expected). As each piece is processed, it is re-dunked in the soapy water, wrung out, and plopped into the right sink (which has been filling with clear, cold water this whole time).
4. Drain left (hot/soapy) sink, spray out soap residue, etc., replug and fill with clear, cold water for second rinse. Swish/knead/stir the dipes in the first rinse water (right side sink). Take piece by piece, dunk, wring, and plop into second rinse sink.
5. Repeat #4 (except don't fill another sink with rinse water unless you used way too much soap originally -- don't ask how I know that :)). This time, wring extra well, and snap out a few times to get even more water out.
This pic would be my third rinse from day 1 when I used waaay too much soap. *blush*
6. Hang to dry on the wooden drying rack. I have two of them and ended up using both for today's wash, as I waited a little longer than before and the one rack was pretty crowded before anyway. Place rack in sunshine (not so today -- it started to storm just as I was finishing up the second rinse...so my racks are blocking the entryway now, positioned under the A/C vent ;)).
Please pardon the naked 3-year-old in the background. LOL
The whole process takes 1-1.5 hrs and really hurts my back (remember, my spine is a chiropractor's challenge and is easily strained by moderate physical labor). That, and my baby inevitably started to fuss/whine/cry at some point during each washing session, when I would attempt to employ various older siblings to play with her and keep her happy for just a few more minutes... She did end up on my hip for a few stages of each washing session, which made it take that much longer. I know I could have put her on my back in the Ergo, but...well, I didn't. I was afraid the double strain on my back by wearing a 21 lb fatty on my back while hunching over the sink would end up forcing me to drop out of this challenge. :(
Like I said, I may be tweaking things a little more before Monday morning rolls around... (and PS - I might add more pics later ;))
My stash includes 20 (27"x28") flour sack towels (which I am essentially pad-folding with an angel wing poo-pocket), 4 medium Thirsties velcro covers, and a big wool soaker (handknit by me) for over the night diaper. (I am also adding a smaller pad-folded Gerber Flat (about 27"x24") inside the flour sack flat for overnight. No problems so far.) Yes, I am doing this overnight, too, even though the rules state that I don't have to. :D I realize that I could technically have one more regular cover and not count the soaker, but I already had 4 Thirsties covers and the snappi/pins thing just doesn't work well for us, so my ample supply of soakers and other pull-on covers (like these Dappi ones) was kind of useless this week. Incidentally, I am also including my flannel wipes and washable nursing pads in the handwashing. I chose to only use my Dr. Brown's nursing pads and none of my Milk Diapers (which I usually use overnight) because they are thicker and I was concerned about drying time, especially if I had no direct sunshine available (which in Florida, with random thunderstorms, you just never know), I worry about mildew from the humidity and too-long drying times.
This is the routine I've worked out so far (this may still change if I happen to wash again before the challenge ends):
Pail: wet (also serving as presoak). I'm pretty much keeping it in the bathtub, and running more and more water into it as the day goes on to make sure everything in there stays good and saturated. I've also discovered that it makes washing easier if I rinse the poopy ones in the sink (it's EBF poo, so, not too nasty). I squirt 5-6 squirts of half-diluted Biokleen Bac-Out over the mess a few times a day, too.
Wash: I am using my kitchen sink, old fashioned lye soap, and a washboard that I picked up for $10 at our local flea market. So...
1. Dump soaked dipes from pail into right side of sink to drain. Meanwhile, left side of sink is filling with hot water, with the bar of lye soap sitting on the bottom of the sink.
2. Squeeze pail/presoak water out of each individual item and plop it into the hot/soapy sink. Fish out the bar of soap, lather it up (as if washing my hands) then dunk bar and sudsy hands a few times, then place soap bar at the top of the washboard on the soap lip/shelf. Washboard is now perched legs-down in the sink.
3. Agitate the hot/soapy sink fulla dipes with a wooden cooking spoon. Start taking each piece and scrubbing on the washboard. Pee dipes are scrubbed very briefly, as the swishing and dunking in hot/soapy water seem fairly adequate for cleaning them. (I may skip the actual scrubbing of pee dipes next time, and stick to swish/stir/dunk.) Poopy dipes get spot treatment with soap, and extra washboard scrubbing until the poo stains are gone (taking much less work than I expected). As each piece is processed, it is re-dunked in the soapy water, wrung out, and plopped into the right sink (which has been filling with clear, cold water this whole time).
4. Drain left (hot/soapy) sink, spray out soap residue, etc., replug and fill with clear, cold water for second rinse. Swish/knead/stir the dipes in the first rinse water (right side sink). Take piece by piece, dunk, wring, and plop into second rinse sink.
5. Repeat #4 (except don't fill another sink with rinse water unless you used way too much soap originally -- don't ask how I know that :)). This time, wring extra well, and snap out a few times to get even more water out.
6. Hang to dry on the wooden drying rack. I have two of them and ended up using both for today's wash, as I waited a little longer than before and the one rack was pretty crowded before anyway. Place rack in sunshine (not so today -- it started to storm just as I was finishing up the second rinse...so my racks are blocking the entryway now, positioned under the A/C vent ;)).
The whole process takes 1-1.5 hrs and really hurts my back (remember, my spine is a chiropractor's challenge and is easily strained by moderate physical labor). That, and my baby inevitably started to fuss/whine/cry at some point during each washing session, when I would attempt to employ various older siblings to play with her and keep her happy for just a few more minutes... She did end up on my hip for a few stages of each washing session, which made it take that much longer. I know I could have put her on my back in the Ergo, but...well, I didn't. I was afraid the double strain on my back by wearing a 21 lb fatty on my back while hunching over the sink would end up forcing me to drop out of this challenge. :(
Like I said, I may be tweaking things a little more before Monday morning rolls around... (and PS - I might add more pics later ;))
Monday, August 2, 2010
Healing Depression
it has come to my attention lately that i may be in a depressive episode. depression can be tricky to recognize and treat during pregnancy because of the myriad of "symptoms" that manifest due to hormones and other pregnancy-related factors. chronic fatigue and mood swings are normal for a pregnant woman, but they are also a symptom of depression. so, which is it?
the other day i pulled out my trusty, tattered old copy of How to Heal Depression. i have owned it for over 10 years, and revisited it several times. i love the format: lists. bulleted lists of no more than a page or two for a gazillion sub-headings. short, sweet, easy to skim and skip to the most useful parts. i have made notations and put post-it tabs in relevant areas over the years. it's interesting to see how my chronic depression has evolved.
last night i was helping hubby study for an exam (police academy). we covered the 3 types of stress, and then i asked him coyly "and which of these does your wife suffer from?"..."all of them!" yes, i am stressed. all the time. ALL the time. chronic high stress. messy house, unruly children, fatigue, back pain, loneliness, abandonment, childhood traumas, adulthood traumas, PTSD, guilt, low self-esteem...i could go on and on. and it's allllllll intertwined. i am seriously fuctup.
it was interesting to see a part in the book about negative thoughts and blame-laying by the depressed person. yes, i am full of negative, pessimistic thoughts, some of which i verbalize (unfortunately, usually to my children). i am afraid to sound too negative to my friends and most family, because i do not wish to either invite criticism or drive someone away for being too high-maintenance. both have happened to me before, and that traumatized me (hello, abandonment!)...so now i'm stuck holding all these thoughts and feelings in, or taking them out on my immediate nuclear family.
but usually holding them in. most of them. i blame the children's behavior, the messy house, my husband and his ADHD/insensitivity/lack of common sense, and my craziness in general for making me such a fuck up that i can't keep friendships. i have often thought that my depression is almost completely "situational", and that if i lived alone, no husband, no kids...there would be no mess, no unruly children, no sloppy husband to supervise and take care of. seeing the page in the book that talks about how it's no one's fault and such...well, it makes me feel a little angry ("but you just don't understand MY life!"), but relieved too...? like, well, i'm obviously not unique in blaming everyone and everything else for my depression...but it's not MY fault either. it's my brain's chemical reaction to these events and circumstances.
and that brings me to a very recent epiphany. yesterday i forgot to take my morning meds until after we'd already left for UU. i had klonopin in my purse, so i took one and figured i'd take my wellbutrin when i got home. i never took it because nothing happened that obviously reminded me that i hadn't and needed to (which is usually what i count on when i forget -- it's never long before i'm ready to blow my top and realize i've forgotten my meds!). incidentally, robby is at his dad's for a long weekend and so the children-conflict level was decidedly lower than usual. and the topic at the service was....depression(!), and i had already suspected that i was in the middle of an episode, so in an effort to assure that the rest of the day would be as peaceful as possible, i asked hubby to refrain from demanding anything of the children, chore-wise.
that is one of the sources of major conflict. messy children + tired pregnant mama = super messy house. enter drill instructor daddy who thinks he can fix everything by facilitating a terrifying, argument- and resistance-filled "clean-up" time, which makes mama want to retreat into the bedroom and shoot herself in the head. nothing gets done except a lot of yelling, threatening, punishing, and angry daddy resentfully cleaning all by himself (but ALWAYS half-ass'edly and NEVER completely). the cycle never ends.
so yesterday, i decided i would rather live another day in the chaotic mess (that will only continue to get worse) instead of experience another "family clean-up time". *cry* that's a huge step for me. defeat is what it is, really. anyway, the day was rather uneventful, i even ended up falling asleep on my IL's couch when we went over there for dinner and watched a movie before hand.
today i decided not to take my meds to see what happened. robby is still not here -- i will pick him up this evening after dinner. so that will have given me 2 whole days to withdraw from the wellbutrin, if that is what is happening. i don't feel a thing. the twins have had some squabbles this morning, and connor has acted like his usual sick 2 year old. not once so far have i had the rage creep up. and that's just WEIRD. so i'm thinking...OMG, the only reason why i need klonopin is to counteract the agitation that the wellbutrin causes. i'm remaining calm with the children without even trying.
i've known for a long time that many BP'ers can't take antidepressants because of the mania-inducing risks, but i have ALWAYS taken an antidepressant, and i've always fallen into a mild depressive episode when the dosage was lowered or the mood stabilizer dosage was raised... so i assumed i was an exception to that rule. why would i be??? perhaps all this time i have been full of such rage requiring klonopin to balance out simply because of the hypomanic/mixed episode symptoms that the wellbutrin has been causing!! the true test will be day #3 (tomorrow), because robby will be home. if i can make it through a whole day with all of the children home and not have a violent-urge physiological reaction to the stressors of the day, my theory will be confirmed. and does that mean i can stop taking klonopin, too? then i can report to the asshole OB that i am no longer taking the dreaded category D medication and he can pull his head out of his ass and sign off on my homebirth already. wouldn't that be nice...
in the mean time, i still want to start thinking more about the self-care suggestions from the book. like laughing more -- i try to watch funny stuff regularly, but i think i need to set the tivo to record south park and family guy, and not just scrubs. maybe friends reruns and reba, too. any show that makes me literally LOL will do.
the intense summer heat has been making it very difficult to get adequate "fresh air and sunshine" treatments. i'd much rather stay holed up in the darkened, A/C'ed house all day than brave the 110'F heat index -- i'm very heat sensitive, and i don't need daily heat strokes! only another 6-8 weeks before i can tolerate being outside for longer than 5 minutes... swimming is the only solution, and taking 4 kids to the YMCA by myself can be a feat, and is always time-consuming. ugh. i think i just need to MAKE it a higher priority, though.
yoga and meditation. those are things that i love, but have not actively participated in in a looooooong time. i have 2 different postpartum yoga/exercise dvds ("with your baby"), but no prenatal ones. i would totally do it if i had them (or so i say now, when i don't). meditation is something that i usually only squeeze in at UU services, during the moment of silence or during the musical performances. choir was a great release for me, but it doesn't happen in summer. it starts back in about 3 weeks, though, i think.
knitting and reading are a few "coping strategies" that i use regularly, but i always end up having to neglect something else in order to do them, and that fosters guilt. can't win.
i know i need to devote more time to grooming/self care. i dyed my hair the other day. today i was thinking how nice it would be to make it more of a priority to take relaxing hot baths. i can't even remember the last time i did that. :/ maybe i could start painting my nails again. those things always make me feel better.
i do notice that i am more productive when i get dressed and put on an apron -- it's like my homemaker uniform. :D but these days i'm thinking more about how to squeeze in a little rest here and there. that, or i just reach for the caffeine...
i must go now. i'm getting sleepy......
the other day i pulled out my trusty, tattered old copy of How to Heal Depression. i have owned it for over 10 years, and revisited it several times. i love the format: lists. bulleted lists of no more than a page or two for a gazillion sub-headings. short, sweet, easy to skim and skip to the most useful parts. i have made notations and put post-it tabs in relevant areas over the years. it's interesting to see how my chronic depression has evolved.
last night i was helping hubby study for an exam (police academy). we covered the 3 types of stress, and then i asked him coyly "and which of these does your wife suffer from?"..."all of them!" yes, i am stressed. all the time. ALL the time. chronic high stress. messy house, unruly children, fatigue, back pain, loneliness, abandonment, childhood traumas, adulthood traumas, PTSD, guilt, low self-esteem...i could go on and on. and it's allllllll intertwined. i am seriously fuctup.
it was interesting to see a part in the book about negative thoughts and blame-laying by the depressed person. yes, i am full of negative, pessimistic thoughts, some of which i verbalize (unfortunately, usually to my children). i am afraid to sound too negative to my friends and most family, because i do not wish to either invite criticism or drive someone away for being too high-maintenance. both have happened to me before, and that traumatized me (hello, abandonment!)...so now i'm stuck holding all these thoughts and feelings in, or taking them out on my immediate nuclear family.
but usually holding them in. most of them. i blame the children's behavior, the messy house, my husband and his ADHD/insensitivity/lack of common sense, and my craziness in general for making me such a fuck up that i can't keep friendships. i have often thought that my depression is almost completely "situational", and that if i lived alone, no husband, no kids...there would be no mess, no unruly children, no sloppy husband to supervise and take care of. seeing the page in the book that talks about how it's no one's fault and such...well, it makes me feel a little angry ("but you just don't understand MY life!"), but relieved too...? like, well, i'm obviously not unique in blaming everyone and everything else for my depression...but it's not MY fault either. it's my brain's chemical reaction to these events and circumstances.
and that brings me to a very recent epiphany. yesterday i forgot to take my morning meds until after we'd already left for UU. i had klonopin in my purse, so i took one and figured i'd take my wellbutrin when i got home. i never took it because nothing happened that obviously reminded me that i hadn't and needed to (which is usually what i count on when i forget -- it's never long before i'm ready to blow my top and realize i've forgotten my meds!). incidentally, robby is at his dad's for a long weekend and so the children-conflict level was decidedly lower than usual. and the topic at the service was....depression(!), and i had already suspected that i was in the middle of an episode, so in an effort to assure that the rest of the day would be as peaceful as possible, i asked hubby to refrain from demanding anything of the children, chore-wise.
that is one of the sources of major conflict. messy children + tired pregnant mama = super messy house. enter drill instructor daddy who thinks he can fix everything by facilitating a terrifying, argument- and resistance-filled "clean-up" time, which makes mama want to retreat into the bedroom and shoot herself in the head. nothing gets done except a lot of yelling, threatening, punishing, and angry daddy resentfully cleaning all by himself (but ALWAYS half-ass'edly and NEVER completely). the cycle never ends.
so yesterday, i decided i would rather live another day in the chaotic mess (that will only continue to get worse) instead of experience another "family clean-up time". *cry* that's a huge step for me. defeat is what it is, really. anyway, the day was rather uneventful, i even ended up falling asleep on my IL's couch when we went over there for dinner and watched a movie before hand.
today i decided not to take my meds to see what happened. robby is still not here -- i will pick him up this evening after dinner. so that will have given me 2 whole days to withdraw from the wellbutrin, if that is what is happening. i don't feel a thing. the twins have had some squabbles this morning, and connor has acted like his usual sick 2 year old. not once so far have i had the rage creep up. and that's just WEIRD. so i'm thinking...OMG, the only reason why i need klonopin is to counteract the agitation that the wellbutrin causes. i'm remaining calm with the children without even trying.
i've known for a long time that many BP'ers can't take antidepressants because of the mania-inducing risks, but i have ALWAYS taken an antidepressant, and i've always fallen into a mild depressive episode when the dosage was lowered or the mood stabilizer dosage was raised... so i assumed i was an exception to that rule. why would i be??? perhaps all this time i have been full of such rage requiring klonopin to balance out simply because of the hypomanic/mixed episode symptoms that the wellbutrin has been causing!! the true test will be day #3 (tomorrow), because robby will be home. if i can make it through a whole day with all of the children home and not have a violent-urge physiological reaction to the stressors of the day, my theory will be confirmed. and does that mean i can stop taking klonopin, too? then i can report to the asshole OB that i am no longer taking the dreaded category D medication and he can pull his head out of his ass and sign off on my homebirth already. wouldn't that be nice...
in the mean time, i still want to start thinking more about the self-care suggestions from the book. like laughing more -- i try to watch funny stuff regularly, but i think i need to set the tivo to record south park and family guy, and not just scrubs. maybe friends reruns and reba, too. any show that makes me literally LOL will do.
the intense summer heat has been making it very difficult to get adequate "fresh air and sunshine" treatments. i'd much rather stay holed up in the darkened, A/C'ed house all day than brave the 110'F heat index -- i'm very heat sensitive, and i don't need daily heat strokes! only another 6-8 weeks before i can tolerate being outside for longer than 5 minutes... swimming is the only solution, and taking 4 kids to the YMCA by myself can be a feat, and is always time-consuming. ugh. i think i just need to MAKE it a higher priority, though.
yoga and meditation. those are things that i love, but have not actively participated in in a looooooong time. i have 2 different postpartum yoga/exercise dvds ("with your baby"), but no prenatal ones. i would totally do it if i had them (or so i say now, when i don't). meditation is something that i usually only squeeze in at UU services, during the moment of silence or during the musical performances. choir was a great release for me, but it doesn't happen in summer. it starts back in about 3 weeks, though, i think.
knitting and reading are a few "coping strategies" that i use regularly, but i always end up having to neglect something else in order to do them, and that fosters guilt. can't win.
i know i need to devote more time to grooming/self care. i dyed my hair the other day. today i was thinking how nice it would be to make it more of a priority to take relaxing hot baths. i can't even remember the last time i did that. :/ maybe i could start painting my nails again. those things always make me feel better.
i do notice that i am more productive when i get dressed and put on an apron -- it's like my homemaker uniform. :D but these days i'm thinking more about how to squeeze in a little rest here and there. that, or i just reach for the caffeine...
i must go now. i'm getting sleepy......
Monday, July 19, 2010
uncooperative children vs. hormonal preggo mama
copied from a FB comment:
MAMAS (and papas) AND TEACHERS: please give me some examples of EMPATHY that 5 year olds can understand (or 4 year olds, as Kieran's cognitive/social development dictates). our first venture as a one-room schoolhouse will be virtues training, and lesson 1 is empathy. my book seems geared more toward older children, so HELP ME PLEASE. TIA
.
.
.
.
i'm not trying to "teach" it, per se, i know it can't be taught, and i know they all have it (or are on their way to it). what i want to do is draw attention to it and encourage them to think about it consciously. i suppose you could say that this "virtue training" is more of a glorified vocabulary lesson
the thing that spurred me wanting to start this ASAP (i've had the book for months and have been putting it off due to the older-child aim of it) is when my hormonal preggo self went off and sobbed/screamed to them the other day about how sometimes their actions/words/decisions hurt other people, and that they should think about how it effects others -- like the messes they make and then don't want to help clean up, and using their bodies instead of their words when they are angry. i have been an emotional mess lately, and being alone with all of them for 50 hrs a week is starting to break me down... and that wasn't the first time i have cried in front of them because their behavior pushed me over an emotional cliff.
incidentally, when i told robby's therapist about this, she cut me off in the middle of an earnest explanation and said, very firmly, "now THAT'S gotta stop." my jaw dropped -- it made me feel like a naughty child myself. i don't like her very much. glad she's resigning
. i don't think there's anything wrong with telling my children that their actions are hurting me - or others - and apparently the easiest time for me to explain these things is when they've driven me to tears.
there has been disobedience left and right, downright ignorance of my requests and rules -- and i reserve the word "rule" for essential, safety-related things whose reasons i explain thoroughly to them... like if you're playing with neighbors, you must stay where you can see the house and you can hear me holler for you at dinnertime, etc....you MUST wear shoes and helmet to ride your bike...sticks and toy weapons stay outside, keep the kitchen door closed so connor won't go dump my purse again or make a mess of the pantry or open (a childproof top!) and eat an entire bottle of omega-3 gummy fish 
...or worse 
[by the way, i have one kitchen entry blocked with a self-closing/self-latching walk thru gate (thanks sarah r!), and i have since ordered another one for where the door is]... blah, blah.
so, there really aren't that many "rules", but several expectations that, even after being lowered, are not being met -- e.g. when you wake up at the crack of dawn, be courteous and play quietly, get some breakfast, watch PBS quietly, etc.
...oh! and the constant "it's not fair!" and i keep correcting them with "no, what's not fair is that *i* end up cleaning up messes i didn't make because no one will help!" or "no, what's not fair is that i bought a special treat for dessert and i didn't get a single bit because you all snuck it and ate it ALL for breakfast before i woke up!" ridiculous. there i go again with the vocabulary lesson; trying to teach the correct usage of "it's not fair"...
this would be yet another opportunity for my mother to inform me that i have too many children.
like that helps. thanks for the support, mom, love ya! 
the weird thing is that robby's behavior has been much better lately than it has been for...ever? at least the past few years. he's starting to act a little more mature, responsible, and obedient. only about half the time, of course.
kieran is another problem, though. his autistic brain cannot wrap around the majority of the things that i'm trying to get through to them all. his stereotypical "parroting" is starting to seriously annoy me. he repeats things that don't apply, and insists upon them, even as i try to explain things on his level, to the point where i (in order to avoid stimulating a meltdown) just throw up my hands, say "whatever, nevermind" and walk away to someone else who actually understands me.
i feel like i have NO PATIENCE or energy for the gentle, patient get-them-to-help methods -- i can't even think of any that would work at this point. it turns into begging or threatening (to throw their things away) or yelling (which usually turns to tears on my part, as of late) ... i'm at the end of my rope here...
~*~*~*~*~*~
"I know this isn't "virtue training" , but the rule in our house (not ALWAYS applied, but when needed) is, if I put it away, I'm putting it up. That means, what ever is in my hand, goes on the mantle, not back in the bin. It motivates R to get to work and I always offer to help. Most of the time." -HS
we do that occasionally, too. the problem is that the mess slowly accumulates. not the everyday stuff; we (i) pick up pretty much every day, but the little things. things that get kicked under furniture or stuck in corners, apple cores that are dropped and not noticed until there are fruit flies swarming around ... all of a sudden one day i look around and my jaw drops in horror at how bad the mess has gotten. by that point, threatening to throw away anything that they don't pick up is a ridiculous, overwhelming threat to follow through on, and i'll never do it (okay, i HAVE done it, but i just can't these days). when daddy takes over clean-up supervision, it's drill instructor time...it's effective, but not pleasant AT ALL.
in general, i don't mind a little mess in their rooms -- it is their space, and i don't tend to hang out in there too often. i don't require them to clean up their rooms every day. i don't have the discipline or energy to enforce that. but when it gets to the point where there are clothes everywhere and you can hardly walk through due to fort remnants, etc., i want them to clean up. and they think i'm kidding. i've spent too long doing it for them (on occasion) that they just won't do it themselves. robby is getting better at it, but then again, none of them have very much left that "lives" in their rooms (in fact, robby isn't allowed to keep anything in his room at this point (except his journals, pokemon cards, lego creations, etc). he can play in there, but toys do not live in there. he can take in 5 books, but has to exchange them for new ones at the bookshelf in the hallway.
we did a great purge about 6 months ago, and if i think about it, it has helped, but there is still so much CRAP. i have 4 kids in a 2 kids sized house, so of course there will be a lot of toys. i have had people with one child tell me (after i have purged) that there's too much stuff, and i'm incredulous. how am i supposed to have one kid's worth of toys with four kids with different abilities and interests?? i'm all about simplicity, but it's an uphill battle, especially with overly doting grandparents who apparently don't understand the meaning of "only one gift per child, please"
i dream of a home where things are organized and stay that way. i am a meticulous organizer by nature. the chaos of 4 children (and a hubby) who care nothing for organization is excruciating for me. day in and day out. i wish they would put some big messy thing back before taking out another one. or at least put SOMETHING back, period. i would literally have to hover over them 24/7 to make sure these things got done. and i'm busy, and they're busy with their play, and our house is not laid out very well for supervising from any other room... so that's just impossible. there are "locked-up" activities that require permission to use, and they just ignore that request and break right on in. we have put away (like, in the garage) nearly-new games because the pieces got scattered and lost and there's no point in trying to locate them all in order to ever play the game correctly. it's now junk. and let me just say, it's a good thing playing cards are so cheap. cuz if they play with a new deck, it's as good as garbage.
it's always a hassle to get them to pick up their own crap, and the reason why i have given in and done it for them so many times is that i'm just tired of fighting about it. it's exhausting and i feel like it grates on our relationship. however, letting them walk all over me certainly causes a bit of resentment toward them on my part... i just can't win. on one hand, i feel if we lived an extremely minimalist lifestyle, this would not be a problem, heheh. but i like them to have toys. i like to have games to play. it's seriously a daily internal struggle for me...
~*~*~*~*~
"Honestly I think you need a little break. Sell something and get a sitter for 1-2 hrs and do something for you. Mothers must take care of themselves to take care of the kids, if you are getting that frazzled (and you are pregnant) you may only need a rest or a break. Kids aren't going to be quiet in the morning so that is probably an unreasonable expectation given their ages and number of kids (1 kid might be quiet, but 3 or 4, forgettaboutit).
What do some of the moms of more than 2 have to say? Will that mother of yours come over and play with them for a bit, so you can just lay down or put your feet up?" -JP
i wish i could afford a sitter. drew is home in the mornings, so that's not a big deal. it's from noon until bedtime that i'm alone with them every day.
as for the mornings, i know they CAN do it. they have. and it's wonderful. it just seems like they forget almost every day... that running up and down the hallway and yelling might actually wake someone up OMG. and that if they let connor out of our room, they have to make double sure the kitchen stays closed, or there's gonna be a BIG mess. the only other option is for me to drag my booty out of bed as soon as they wake up, and i just can't do that every day. not that early, and not fast enough. esp since i know i don't go to bed early enough to get up that early, because i spend all the "me" time i have after they go to bed catching up on things i didn't get done while they were awake (or simply decompressing after the day -- a much needed ritual).
my mother is NO help at all. she and i have been butting heads for nearly 10 years. she pretty much thinks i need to just lie in the bed that i made by choosing to have lotsa babies. she doesn't even want to try and IMAGINE what my life is like. every explanation i have for anything i do (or don't do) is "just an excuse". we had a huge argument from january-april (yeah), and i have spoken to her twice and seen her once since then. i have chosen to walk away from that toxic relationship, because frankly, she makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit excuse for a mother/wife/daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece/friend/human being.
my dad retired last month and they are in the process of moving to georgia. my mom has already started her new job at brunswick memorial hospital, so she is living up there more often than down here. when they are here, they are working on getting their house ready to sell, or tending to other appts in town. they might as well not be here at all, ever, for all the help they are. never really were much help, but somehow it feels better knowing that their first excuse these days is "i don't live there anymore". oh, do i have some mommy issues...
~*~*~*~*~*~
"One thing thing I have started doing is trying to combine toys for the kids, like even though I have a lot of girls, we still only really need a couple dolls. We only need one or two containers of blocks, we only need a few books per kid (everything else comes from the library), etc. If each one of the kids has as many toys as an only, than we become seriously overrun with toys, books, etc.
Things like puzzles, art supplies, and board games get put up high and out of reach so that even my oldest has to ask. Then I make sure that they put it up before getting anything else out." -JH
we pretty much already do that. Robby and Kieran have pretty much the same interests. legos, blocks, toy weapons, pokemon/yu-gi-oh cards, etc. i suppose we have more than one child would need of some of those things, but not much, and it's not all in rotation at the same time (e.g. legos and blocks). Devin is into pretend play (dolls, dress-up, kitchen), so we have that stuff too. not an excessive amount either. Connor is pretty much into cars. and cars. and cars. he has quite a collection, but they are mostly small and could easily fit into a file box. as i type this, i think of the actual volume of these things, and it really doesn't seem that bad. okay, that's not including all the confiscated/purged stuff that clutters the garage and is either waiting to be gotten rid of or brought back into rotation eventually (e.g. 80% of the dress up stuff that was taken away after being dragged out and not picked up EVERY DAY for far too long). i really think, as far as toys in the house, the real problem is keeping it organized and picked up.
puzzles and art/craft supplies are already "locked up". i put that in quotes because the lock is a child-proofing thing. only robby can open it, although lately he says kieran has learned how. the problem is when robby thinks he can sneak in and grab something without asking, and then he forgets to lock it back. both of those actions piss me off. he has left kid scissors out and devin has cut her hair or connor has cut holes in our brand new, very expensive slipcovers i swear, i need to get a chain and combination lock! that seems so extreme, but is apparently necessary. we actually did that to the twins' closet, because they kept dragging clean clothes out and they'd get mixed with dirty ones and i'd end up washing things over and over... it didn't last long, and that's not such a problem anymore...hmmm, i think i will have to re-purpose that lock now... i just hate the thought of treating them like inmates like that -- a "real" lock just looks so...i don't know. but i guess it's the only way until things shape up a bit. on the other hand, teachers tend to keep cabinets locked in their classrooms, right???
i am a huge fan of the duggars. not that i would EVER have that many children, but i have taken a lot from them. i just wish i had begun instilling some of these expectations more firmly/consistently in my children when they were younger. maybe the fact that we don't have regular cable anymore (and thus i don't watch the duggars' show anymore) has something to do with me losing my way, haha! i used to TiVo the show, and so i was constantly inspired by them...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"My parents didn't have any regular expectations of us; it was all random and arbitrary, and so nothing really stuck, and we didn't develop HABITS like some of my friends did whose parents had very clear and systematic rules about maintaining order in the house. I wouldn't ever want to be obsessive or overly anxious about it, but I *would* like to give my children the gift of basic life management skills - like cleaning up one thing before you start another, taking care of your belongings, taking pride in your environment, noticing when something needs to be cleaned and doing it without being asked......The one thing I will say is that I think consistency is really critical in this endeavor (and I know this because my parents were lacking in it!) We can't enforce things only periodically, when we get overwhelmed. We need daily rituals, and once they become automatic, it's not a struggle anymore." -SM
i have struggled to establish rituals for my entire motherhood!
some things have stuck over the years, but most haven't. or we/i'll do something for a while, and then it slowly slips out of the routine. i guess that's just my nature -- i'm inconsistent, heh.
i think my main obstacle is exhaustion. my back problems pose so many more problems than one would think...it makes the physical side of homemaking and parenting impossible at times, so i have had to be very careful in picking my battles so i don't wind up pulling my back out and on pain killers and in physical therapy for weeks/months. it has been a long time since that happened, but i had to learn the hard way 3 times (majorly, and multiple minor incidents) before finally surrendering to listening to my body and recognizing what i really can and cannot do. that causes the deep-cleaning spurts to come in waves...the mess gets horrible, i go nuts taking care of it, strain my back, have to take it easy for several days, rinse, repeat... and there is a firm connection between physical pain and emotional pain. i feel inadequate and lazy when i can't keep do things the way i want or as often as i want (and this includes assisting the children in establishing said "life management skills"), and this causes lowered self-esteem, shame, and depression. this vicious cycle is one of the things my mother dismisses as "just an excuse" (seriously, i have become a psychological cliche lately with all my mommy issues ).
it does seem like it would be much simpler to just divide everything evenly and tackle a little every day. on most days, i do a good bit; it's just never enough. and there are days that i do next to nothing to get ahead, whether we are away from the house, or someone doesn't feel well, or i'm just plain tired. when the children were younger and i was in and out of college, they went to campus childcare from about 18 months on. i had plenty of time to get the housework done and it was amazing how put-together i was. now, i have more children, and have chosen to homeschool. i will not go back on that choice again -- i tried public school with robby twice, and it was disastrous. even the preschool, while not interfering academically, caused problems with the bonds i had with my children. i chose to have lots of babies, yes, and i need to act like a mama. my mother also used to wonder aloud why it was that i would "pawn them off" when i wasn't doing so to go to work or school. uuuugh. wow, guilt trip, mom? okay, i'm laughing at myself for bringing up my mom so much, but a lot of crap has been laid out on the table with her over the past 6 months, old wounds reopened, blinders ripped away, etc. very heartbreaking; i'm still processing...
ANYHOO, since the big changes have happened over the past few months for us (Drew starting police academy and pre-k ending for the twins -- so, me suddenly alone with all the kids full time...and i'm pregnant to boot ----also my choice! you're right, mom, i made my bed!). the cycle has been: mess---> mama freak-out---> kids reflecting my mood---> uncooperative rebellion---> more mama freak out---> no progress on anyone's part---> more mess (rinse and repeat again). *SIGH* for a while there, i had someone coming to help clean and fold laundry once a week. i justified the expense as medical 
, because really, it is preventive medicine for me, on a few levels. but that's been over for several weeks now. and my therapist resigned to spend more time with her children (go figure), so i haven't had that to rely on as a sounding board/venting opportunity in well over a month now -- i'm waiting to be placed with a new one as soon as they find the right fit for me. hmmm... i think i am starting to figure this out, haha!
the only problem is that having someone else come clean does not help the children acquire habits and responsibilities in this department. my long-time friend was supposed to replace our helper (and for cheaper!), but she's now in a play in orlando, which she is balancing with a full-time job here in gainesville, so she is not available until the play is over, really (and i don't know when that will be). being the childless, doting "aunt" that she is, she would be great in helping motivate the children in a fun, patient way, but i'm just WAAAAAITING for that to start now.
MAMAS (and papas) AND TEACHERS: please give me some examples of EMPATHY that 5 year olds can understand (or 4 year olds, as Kieran's cognitive/social development dictates). our first venture as a one-room schoolhouse will be virtues training, and lesson 1 is empathy. my book seems geared more toward older children, so HELP ME PLEASE. TIA
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i'm not trying to "teach" it, per se, i know it can't be taught, and i know they all have it (or are on their way to it). what i want to do is draw attention to it and encourage them to think about it consciously. i suppose you could say that this "virtue training" is more of a glorified vocabulary lesson
the thing that spurred me wanting to start this ASAP (i've had the book for months and have been putting it off due to the older-child aim of it) is when my hormonal preggo self went off and sobbed/screamed to them the other day about how sometimes their actions/words/decisions hurt other people, and that they should think about how it effects others -- like the messes they make and then don't want to help clean up, and using their bodies instead of their words when they are angry. i have been an emotional mess lately, and being alone with all of them for 50 hrs a week is starting to break me down... and that wasn't the first time i have cried in front of them because their behavior pushed me over an emotional cliff.
incidentally, when i told robby's therapist about this, she cut me off in the middle of an earnest explanation and said, very firmly, "now THAT'S gotta stop." my jaw dropped -- it made me feel like a naughty child myself. i don't like her very much. glad she's resigning
. i don't think there's anything wrong with telling my children that their actions are hurting me - or others - and apparently the easiest time for me to explain these things is when they've driven me to tears.there has been disobedience left and right, downright ignorance of my requests and rules -- and i reserve the word "rule" for essential, safety-related things whose reasons i explain thoroughly to them... like if you're playing with neighbors, you must stay where you can see the house and you can hear me holler for you at dinnertime, etc....you MUST wear shoes and helmet to ride your bike...sticks and toy weapons stay outside, keep the kitchen door closed so connor won't go dump my purse again or make a mess of the pantry or open (a childproof top!) and eat an entire bottle of omega-3 gummy fish
...or worse [by the way, i have one kitchen entry blocked with a self-closing/self-latching walk thru gate (thanks sarah r!), and i have since ordered another one for where the door is]... blah, blah. so, there really aren't that many "rules", but several expectations that, even after being lowered, are not being met -- e.g. when you wake up at the crack of dawn, be courteous and play quietly, get some breakfast, watch PBS quietly, etc.
...oh! and the constant "it's not fair!" and i keep correcting them with "no, what's not fair is that *i* end up cleaning up messes i didn't make because no one will help!" or "no, what's not fair is that i bought a special treat for dessert and i didn't get a single bit because you all snuck it and ate it ALL for breakfast before i woke up!" ridiculous. there i go again with the vocabulary lesson; trying to teach the correct usage of "it's not fair"...
this would be yet another opportunity for my mother to inform me that i have too many children.
like that helps. thanks for the support, mom, love ya! the weird thing is that robby's behavior has been much better lately than it has been for...ever? at least the past few years. he's starting to act a little more mature, responsible, and obedient. only about half the time, of course.
kieran is another problem, though. his autistic brain cannot wrap around the majority of the things that i'm trying to get through to them all. his stereotypical "parroting" is starting to seriously annoy me. he repeats things that don't apply, and insists upon them, even as i try to explain things on his level, to the point where i (in order to avoid stimulating a meltdown) just throw up my hands, say "whatever, nevermind" and walk away to someone else who actually understands me.
i feel like i have NO PATIENCE or energy for the gentle, patient get-them-to-help methods -- i can't even think of any that would work at this point. it turns into begging or threatening (to throw their things away) or yelling (which usually turns to tears on my part, as of late) ... i'm at the end of my rope here...
~*~*~*~*~*~
"I know this isn't "virtue training" , but the rule in our house (not ALWAYS applied, but when needed) is, if I put it away, I'm putting it up. That means, what ever is in my hand, goes on the mantle, not back in the bin. It motivates R to get to work and I always offer to help. Most of the time." -HS
we do that occasionally, too. the problem is that the mess slowly accumulates. not the everyday stuff; we (i) pick up pretty much every day, but the little things. things that get kicked under furniture or stuck in corners, apple cores that are dropped and not noticed until there are fruit flies swarming around
... all of a sudden one day i look around and my jaw drops in horror at how bad the mess has gotten. by that point, threatening to throw away anything that they don't pick up is a ridiculous, overwhelming threat to follow through on, and i'll never do it (okay, i HAVE done it, but i just can't these days). when daddy takes over clean-up supervision, it's drill instructor time...it's effective, but not pleasant AT ALL. in general, i don't mind a little mess in their rooms -- it is their space, and i don't tend to hang out in there too often. i don't require them to clean up their rooms every day. i don't have the discipline or energy to enforce that. but when it gets to the point where there are clothes everywhere and you can hardly walk through due to fort remnants, etc., i want them to clean up. and they think i'm kidding. i've spent too long doing it for them (on occasion) that they just won't do it themselves. robby is getting better at it, but then again, none of them have very much left that "lives" in their rooms (in fact, robby isn't allowed to keep anything in his room at this point (except his journals, pokemon cards, lego creations, etc). he can play in there, but toys do not live in there. he can take in 5 books, but has to exchange them for new ones at the bookshelf in the hallway.
we did a great purge about 6 months ago, and if i think about it, it has helped, but there is still so much CRAP. i have 4 kids in a 2 kids sized house, so of course there will be a lot of toys. i have had people with one child tell me (after i have purged) that there's too much stuff, and i'm incredulous. how am i supposed to have one kid's worth of toys with four kids with different abilities and interests?? i'm all about simplicity, but it's an uphill battle, especially with overly doting grandparents who apparently don't understand the meaning of "only one gift per child, please"
i dream of a home where things are organized and stay that way. i am a meticulous organizer by nature. the chaos of 4 children (and a hubby) who care nothing for organization is excruciating for me. day in and day out. i wish they would put some big messy thing back before taking out another one. or at least put SOMETHING back, period. i would literally have to hover over them 24/7 to make sure these things got done. and i'm busy, and they're busy with their play, and our house is not laid out very well for supervising from any other room... so that's just impossible. there are "locked-up" activities that require permission to use, and they just ignore that request and break right on in. we have put away (like, in the garage) nearly-new games because the pieces got scattered and lost and there's no point in trying to locate them all in order to ever play the game correctly. it's now junk. and let me just say, it's a good thing playing cards are so cheap. cuz if they play with a new deck, it's as good as garbage.
it's always a hassle to get them to pick up their own crap, and the reason why i have given in and done it for them so many times is that i'm just tired of fighting about it. it's exhausting and i feel like it grates on our relationship. however, letting them walk all over me certainly causes a bit of resentment toward them on my part... i just can't win. on one hand, i feel if we lived an extremely minimalist lifestyle, this would not be a problem, heheh. but i like them to have toys. i like to have games to play. it's seriously a daily internal struggle for me...
~*~*~*~*~
"Honestly I think you need a little break. Sell something and get a sitter for 1-2 hrs and do something for you. Mothers must take care of themselves to take care of the kids, if you are getting that frazzled (and you are pregnant) you may only need a rest or a break. Kids aren't going to be quiet in the morning so that is probably an unreasonable expectation given their ages and number of kids (1 kid might be quiet, but 3 or 4, forgettaboutit).
What do some of the moms of more than 2 have to say? Will that mother of yours come over and play with them for a bit, so you can just lay down or put your feet up?" -JP
i wish i could afford a sitter. drew is home in the mornings, so that's not a big deal. it's from noon until bedtime that i'm alone with them every day.
as for the mornings, i know they CAN do it. they have. and it's wonderful. it just seems like they forget almost every day... that running up and down the hallway and yelling might actually wake someone up
OMG. and that if they let connor out of our room, they have to make double sure the kitchen stays closed, or there's gonna be a BIG mess. the only other option is for me to drag my booty out of bed as soon as they wake up, and i just can't do that every day. not that early, and not fast enough. esp since i know i don't go to bed early enough to get up that early, because i spend all the "me" time i have after they go to bed catching up on things i didn't get done while they were awake (or simply decompressing after the day -- a much needed ritual).my mother is NO help at all. she and i have been butting heads for nearly 10 years. she pretty much thinks i need to just lie in the bed that i made by choosing to have lotsa babies. she doesn't even want to try and IMAGINE what my life is like. every explanation i have for anything i do (or don't do) is "just an excuse". we had a huge argument from january-april (yeah), and i have spoken to her twice and seen her once since then. i have chosen to walk away from that toxic relationship, because frankly, she makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit excuse for a mother/wife/daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece/friend/human being.
my dad retired last month and they are in the process of moving to georgia. my mom has already started her new job at brunswick memorial hospital, so she is living up there more often than down here. when they are here, they are working on getting their house ready to sell, or tending to other appts in town. they might as well not be here at all, ever, for all the help they are. never really were much help, but somehow it feels better knowing that their first excuse these days is "i don't live there anymore". oh, do i have some mommy issues...
~*~*~*~*~*~
"One thing thing I have started doing is trying to combine toys for the kids, like even though I have a lot of girls, we still only really need a couple dolls. We only need one or two containers of blocks, we only need a few books per kid (everything else comes from the library), etc. If each one of the kids has as many toys as an only, than we become seriously overrun with toys, books, etc.
Things like puzzles, art supplies, and board games get put up high and out of reach so that even my oldest has to ask. Then I make sure that they put it up before getting anything else out." -JH
we pretty much already do that. Robby and Kieran have pretty much the same interests. legos, blocks, toy weapons, pokemon/yu-gi-oh cards, etc. i suppose we have more than one child would need of some of those things, but not much, and it's not all in rotation at the same time (e.g. legos and blocks). Devin is into pretend play (dolls, dress-up, kitchen), so we have that stuff too. not an excessive amount either. Connor is pretty much into cars. and cars. and cars. he has quite a collection, but they are mostly small and could easily fit into a file box. as i type this, i think of the actual volume of these things, and it really doesn't seem that bad. okay, that's not including all the confiscated/purged stuff that clutters the garage and is either waiting to be gotten rid of or brought back into rotation eventually (e.g. 80% of the dress up stuff that was taken away after being dragged out and not picked up EVERY DAY for far too long). i really think, as far as toys in the house, the real problem is keeping it organized and picked up.
puzzles and art/craft supplies are already "locked up". i put that in quotes because the lock is a child-proofing thing. only robby can open it, although lately he says kieran has learned how. the problem is when robby thinks he can sneak in and grab something without asking, and then he forgets to lock it back. both of those actions piss me off. he has left kid scissors out and devin has cut her hair or connor has cut holes in our brand new, very expensive slipcovers
i swear, i need to get a chain and combination lock! that seems so extreme, but is apparently necessary. we actually did that to the twins' closet, because they kept dragging clean clothes out and they'd get mixed with dirty ones and i'd end up washing things over and over... it didn't last long, and that's not such a problem anymore...hmmm, i think i will have to re-purpose that lock now... i just hate the thought of treating them like inmates like that -- a "real" lock just looks so...i don't know. but i guess it's the only way until things shape up a bit. on the other hand, teachers tend to keep cabinets locked in their classrooms, right???i am a huge fan of the duggars. not that i would EVER have that many children, but i have taken a lot from them. i just wish i had begun instilling some of these expectations more firmly/consistently in my children when they were younger. maybe the fact that we don't have regular cable anymore (and thus i don't watch the duggars' show anymore) has something to do with me losing my way, haha! i used to TiVo the show, and so i was constantly inspired by them...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"My parents didn't have any regular expectations of us; it was all random and arbitrary, and so nothing really stuck, and we didn't develop HABITS like some of my friends did whose parents had very clear and systematic rules about maintaining order in the house. I wouldn't ever want to be obsessive or overly anxious about it, but I *would* like to give my children the gift of basic life management skills - like cleaning up one thing before you start another, taking care of your belongings, taking pride in your environment, noticing when something needs to be cleaned and doing it without being asked......The one thing I will say is that I think consistency is really critical in this endeavor (and I know this because my parents were lacking in it!) We can't enforce things only periodically, when we get overwhelmed. We need daily rituals, and once they become automatic, it's not a struggle anymore." -SM
i have struggled to establish rituals for my entire motherhood!
some things have stuck over the years, but most haven't. or we/i'll do something for a while, and then it slowly slips out of the routine. i guess that's just my nature -- i'm inconsistent, heh. i think my main obstacle is exhaustion. my back problems pose so many more problems than one would think...it makes the physical side of homemaking and parenting impossible at times, so i have had to be very careful in picking my battles so i don't wind up pulling my back out and on pain killers and in physical therapy for weeks/months. it has been a long time since that happened, but i had to learn the hard way 3 times (majorly, and multiple minor incidents) before finally surrendering to listening to my body and recognizing what i really can and cannot do. that causes the deep-cleaning spurts to come in waves...the mess gets horrible, i go nuts taking care of it, strain my back, have to take it easy for several days, rinse, repeat... and there is a firm connection between physical pain and emotional pain. i feel inadequate and lazy when i can't keep do things the way i want or as often as i want (and this includes assisting the children in establishing said "life management skills"), and this causes lowered self-esteem, shame, and depression. this vicious cycle is one of the things my mother dismisses as "just an excuse" (seriously, i have become a psychological cliche lately with all my mommy issues
).it does seem like it would be much simpler to just divide everything evenly and tackle a little every day. on most days, i do a good bit; it's just never enough. and there are days that i do next to nothing to get ahead, whether we are away from the house, or someone doesn't feel well, or i'm just plain tired. when the children were younger and i was in and out of college, they went to campus childcare from about 18 months on. i had plenty of time to get the housework done and it was amazing how put-together i was. now, i have more children, and have chosen to homeschool. i will not go back on that choice again -- i tried public school with robby twice, and it was disastrous. even the preschool, while not interfering academically, caused problems with the bonds i had with my children. i chose to have lots of babies, yes, and i need to act like a mama. my mother also used to wonder aloud why it was that i would "pawn them off" when i wasn't doing so to go to work or school. uuuugh. wow, guilt trip, mom? okay, i'm laughing at myself for bringing up my mom so much, but a lot of crap has been laid out on the table with her over the past 6 months, old wounds reopened, blinders ripped away, etc. very heartbreaking; i'm still processing...
ANYHOO, since the big changes have happened over the past few months for us (Drew starting police academy and pre-k ending for the twins -- so, me suddenly alone with all the kids full time...and i'm pregnant to boot
----also my choice! you're right, mom, i made my bed!). the cycle has been: mess---> mama freak-out---> kids reflecting my mood---> uncooperative rebellion---> more mama freak out---> no progress on anyone's part---> more mess (rinse and repeat again). *SIGH* for a while there, i had someone coming to help clean and fold laundry once a week. i justified the expense as medical , because really, it is preventive medicine for me, on a few levels. but that's been over for several weeks now. and my therapist resigned to spend more time with her children (go figure), so i haven't had that to rely on as a sounding board/venting opportunity in well over a month now -- i'm waiting to be placed with a new one as soon as they find the right fit for me. hmmm... i think i am starting to figure this out, haha! the only problem is that having someone else come clean does not help the children acquire habits and responsibilities in this department. my long-time friend was supposed to replace our helper (and for cheaper!), but she's now in a play in orlando, which she is balancing with a full-time job here in gainesville, so she is not available until the play is over, really (and i don't know when that will be). being the childless, doting "aunt" that she is, she would be great in helping motivate the children in a fun, patient way, but i'm just WAAAAAITING for that to start now.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Overwhelmed By Housework
I'm sure any SAHM knows how it is. The laundry is piled up for miles and the dishes are gathering a colony of bugs in the sink. There are tiny toy pieces everywhere and random snack leftovers collecting in corners and under furniture. That is what my house looks like right now. Today is the second day of school being back in for the twins after being home for 2 weeks with them. First there was the stomach virus. A few days of fever and vomiting followed by about a week of diarrhea. All while hubby was out of town for 7 days. Then hubby comes home for his annual vacation (the twins' spring break). You'd think that we would have gotten a lot done with both of us home for a week. Not.
I was so exhausted after his week gone that I spent the good part of his vacation sleeping. Yes, I needed it, very very badly, but the house needed some serious TLC and it didn't get it. So now I am alone with 3 of my kids (Devin only goes to her preschool MWF) and facing what promises to be a lifetime of drudgery in chores.
Hubby neglected to unload the dishwasher last night so I have a sink full of dirty dishes and nowhere to put them. The fruit flies are having a picnic in my kitchen sink. I have serious issues with doing other people's chores so usually I just don't. I might end up unloading later, or trying to get Robby (7) to, but for the moment I'm focusing on the laundry. I have 2 hampers full of clothes that need washing (at least 4 loads) and one already in the washer. 3 baskets of clean ones that need folding and putting away. A load of diapers to fold. A ginormous box full of outgrown boy clothes that need to be sorted by size and stored in their respective bins in the garage. Brown paper bags full of outgrown girl and baby clothes that need to be sent to their respective recipients. And my pants are wet because the baby dumped my Coke out in the computer chair this morning and what was left after I attempted to clean it has wicked through the sham-wow I'm sitting on. And the keyboard is sticky because of a marshmallow egg incident earlier. Let's not forget about all the peepee and poopy undies and shorts and pants and skirts that litter every bathroom sink because my four-year-old daughter can't ever stop what she's doing to use the toilet.
Someone just shoot me now.
I know I need to take baby steps and focus on one small task at a time. I feel so utterly alone in this daunting task of running a household and taking care of 6 people. Sometimes my husband feels more like a 5th child. His ADD makes it virtually impossible to rely on him do follow through on a task without some kind of intervention. I love him dearly, and he works hard so I can stay home, but sometimes the little angel and demon on my shoulders make it very hard for me to feel like a good wife to him. On the one hand, he does work hard for me to stay home, and I know he'd go to the end of the Earth for me. On the other hand, I'm so stressed out from dealing with the day-to-day of everyone's unique needs that sometimes I just want to beat him over the head with my grandmother's cast-iron skillet. Maybe that'll knock some sense into him.
Truth is, I married a man that is so opposite from me in most every practical way. What drew us together was our history (knowing each other since the 6th grade), our passions for music and dancing, our religious philosophies, and, of course, the thought of losing him to Operation Iraqi Freedom. I am a meticulous, organized, borderline-OCD, type-A person stuck in this hell-hole of a situation living with 5 slobs. The baby has an excuse. The twins are 4, so they are still learning about personal responsibility. Robby has ADHD and could care less if we lived in a pig sty. He loves junk. He sees potential in every piece of garbage he sees. Hubby's ADD has him in his virtual reality by way of online community or fiction novel every chance he gets. He doesn't have any sense of routine or self-motivation when it comes to chores. He doesn't seem to see clutter and mess until it starts driving me up the wall.
My tolerance of mess has grown considerably, out of necessity of preserving my sanity, but that has turned out to be a bad thing. I forced blinders upon myself in order to not go completely insane, and all of a sudden my friends are performing an intervention regarding the condition of my house. Yikes.
So now I must end this vent so I can go attend to one of the 2,836,455,238 things on my to-do list. I do feel a little better now, but I still want to go curl up in my bed and sleep until someone else is finished de-cluttering and organizing my life.
I was so exhausted after his week gone that I spent the good part of his vacation sleeping. Yes, I needed it, very very badly, but the house needed some serious TLC and it didn't get it. So now I am alone with 3 of my kids (Devin only goes to her preschool MWF) and facing what promises to be a lifetime of drudgery in chores.
Hubby neglected to unload the dishwasher last night so I have a sink full of dirty dishes and nowhere to put them. The fruit flies are having a picnic in my kitchen sink. I have serious issues with doing other people's chores so usually I just don't. I might end up unloading later, or trying to get Robby (7) to, but for the moment I'm focusing on the laundry. I have 2 hampers full of clothes that need washing (at least 4 loads) and one already in the washer. 3 baskets of clean ones that need folding and putting away. A load of diapers to fold. A ginormous box full of outgrown boy clothes that need to be sorted by size and stored in their respective bins in the garage. Brown paper bags full of outgrown girl and baby clothes that need to be sent to their respective recipients. And my pants are wet because the baby dumped my Coke out in the computer chair this morning and what was left after I attempted to clean it has wicked through the sham-wow I'm sitting on. And the keyboard is sticky because of a marshmallow egg incident earlier. Let's not forget about all the peepee and poopy undies and shorts and pants and skirts that litter every bathroom sink because my four-year-old daughter can't ever stop what she's doing to use the toilet.
Someone just shoot me now.
I know I need to take baby steps and focus on one small task at a time. I feel so utterly alone in this daunting task of running a household and taking care of 6 people. Sometimes my husband feels more like a 5th child. His ADD makes it virtually impossible to rely on him do follow through on a task without some kind of intervention. I love him dearly, and he works hard so I can stay home, but sometimes the little angel and demon on my shoulders make it very hard for me to feel like a good wife to him. On the one hand, he does work hard for me to stay home, and I know he'd go to the end of the Earth for me. On the other hand, I'm so stressed out from dealing with the day-to-day of everyone's unique needs that sometimes I just want to beat him over the head with my grandmother's cast-iron skillet. Maybe that'll knock some sense into him.
Truth is, I married a man that is so opposite from me in most every practical way. What drew us together was our history (knowing each other since the 6th grade), our passions for music and dancing, our religious philosophies, and, of course, the thought of losing him to Operation Iraqi Freedom. I am a meticulous, organized, borderline-OCD, type-A person stuck in this hell-hole of a situation living with 5 slobs. The baby has an excuse. The twins are 4, so they are still learning about personal responsibility. Robby has ADHD and could care less if we lived in a pig sty. He loves junk. He sees potential in every piece of garbage he sees. Hubby's ADD has him in his virtual reality by way of online community or fiction novel every chance he gets. He doesn't have any sense of routine or self-motivation when it comes to chores. He doesn't seem to see clutter and mess until it starts driving me up the wall.
My tolerance of mess has grown considerably, out of necessity of preserving my sanity, but that has turned out to be a bad thing. I forced blinders upon myself in order to not go completely insane, and all of a sudden my friends are performing an intervention regarding the condition of my house. Yikes.
So now I must end this vent so I can go attend to one of the 2,836,455,238 things on my to-do list. I do feel a little better now, but I still want to go curl up in my bed and sleep until someone else is finished de-cluttering and organizing my life.
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