Lonliness, part 2

I just had to stop yesterday, but there is so much more to say... but it's so hard to find the words... So here we go again:




I never in my life imagined missing Drew SO truly, madly, deeply (sorry, I had to). Never. This experience is so unlike any other, and one that can't possibly be understood until you go through it yourself (which I would HAPPILY wish upon my enemies).



That is why it has become my goal to try and express it as thoroughly as possible. I welcome feedback, too. I know that yesterday's blog was viewed 21 times, but only ONE person felt enough to comment on it (thanks Shelby!).



I know that everyone thinks they have been SO in love, or has experienced the heartbreak that I feel, but the truth is, everyone's experiences are radically different depending on exact circumstances. I can't even say that other wives of deployed marines know how this is for me, because how does anyone know if their love runs as deep as Drew's and mine? Is anyone else's marriage as magickal as ours? I only know one couple who (in my opinion) can compare, and they are not in the military.



I can't describe how insanely jealous I am when I see a couple together. I want to ask the woman if she realizes just how lucky she is that she has her man next to her. Safe. Within touching distance. There to talk to, laugh with, even fight with! What I wouldn't give to be able to have a good screaming argument with Drew, in person, right now. Yes, I even miss the shitty things.



I miss losing sleep because of his incessent snoring. I miss waking up shivering in the middle of the night because somehow he has acquired ALL of the covers. I miss sleeping crammed into the side of the bed because he has somehow managed to take up the ENTIRE king sized bed. And that's just what I miss about sleeping. He really is a horrible bedmate, but I don't give a fuck. He's my husband, and I want him back.



I miss watching him interact with our children, feeling that surge of love strike my heart as I see how this man that I love so much melts into a puddle of tenderness when he sees his life's blood. Seeing how becomming a father has softened him in some ways and hardened him in others... there's just no describing the feeling that ensues.



I miss laying awake in the dark, pillow talking with him instead of getting much-needed sleep. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him there next to me, sleeping soundly, and repositioning myself so that we are two spoons nestled in a drawer. I love how I fit so perfectly in his strong arms.



I hate how I've become so emotionally vulnerable. I hate how every damn song I hear has to remind me of him, somehow, inevitably. I hate how I love him so goddamn much. I hate how much I need him to function properly. I hate that this experience has broken me; turned me into a blithering idiot.



I hate how my hard exterior is crumbling. I hate that the strong-willed, independent woman I was has given way to a cowering, weak cry-baby. I hate how I can't even get through writing a fuckin blog without soaking the keyboard with my pussyfied tears.



I hate how this experience is driving me to expose my deepest, previously well-hidden emotions to anyone with a myspace account! But I don't even really care anymore. I want the whole world to know how this war is breaking the military family members.



And don't forget about the permanent effects this whole damn thing will have on the poor guys serving our country! Try for one second to imagine the magnitude of problems that each and every one of them is going to have to deal with every day for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. And of course, how their loved ones will be affected, residually.



War breaks people, and damages relationships. Drew and I will eagerly crash into eachother's arms when the time comes, and cling to eachother, each needing our combined strength, however depleted, to recover and somehow carry on with our strange new way of life.



And now, I need a nap. I'm just too emotionally exhausted to be conscious right now.

Lonliness, part 1

I wish I could describe just what life is like for me these days.




Try to imagine a bowling ball sitting in your chest, suspended by your heartstrings, so heavy that sometimes you feel like you can't breathe.



Try to imagine loving someone so much that life without him is absolutely unbearable, pointless and painful.



Imagine having countless songs remind you of him, or the lack of him, stabbing so deeply you must pull together every last bit of self control you have to keep from breaking down into uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs.



Imagine living every minute of every day wondering if this person you love so deeply is safe, or even still alive.



There's no one to talk to in the dark of your bedroom at night.



The person on whom you lean the most, who knows you better than you know yourself, who knows exactly how and when to comfort you...he's not there.



He's not there to share the burdens of parenthood, chores, and obligations.



He's not there to watch the children growing and learning more every day. These memories are and always will be yours alone.



Imagine not being able to do the things you do best to comfort and take care of him.



You can't see him.



You can't hear him.



You can't smell his scent or touch his body.



You can't feel his warmth next to you in your big, cold, empty bed.



You don't have his feet and legs to entertwine yours with as you fall asleep at night.



You can't remind him to take his meds/vitamins.



You can't pour that extra mug of coffee in the morning.



You can't fall asleep with his arm nestled around your neck, his fingers delicately wandering through your hair, drooling on his right nipple while he sits up reading till wee hours.



Imagine your heart barely holding itself together, ready to disintigrate at any moment.



Now imagine that these feelings are not caused by being dumped, blown off, ignored, or misunderstood.



Not caused by divorce.



Not caused by widowing.



Not incarceration or a conventional lengthy business trip.



It is worse...much worse.



He's alive, he loves me, he misses me, he wants to be here with me. We are happily married. We have three children who he loves and misses deeply.



But we can't be together. Because of this stupid fucking "war."



He's been gone for nearly SEVEN MONTHS.



Thats close to TWO HUNDRED DAYS our home has not been his residence.



I haven't touched him in 86 days.



We are separated by 3000 miles of ocean and hostile desert.



He now sleeps with a gun in his arms, instead of me.



I will not be whole again until I replace that gun.



Until then, I am a deeply fragmented version of who I was.



I am now broken.



Bitter.



And numb.

news...

Good and bad and in-between news...




We've been battling illness upon illness lately in this house (as you all well know), and now that we WERE all well, the kids are starting to come down with a cold, AGAIN! I just pray I don't catch it this time.



But, I FINALLY heard from Drew on Monday... we talked for 22 wonderful minutes. He sounded good, as in, not depressed. Maybe a little frustrated with "bullshit" that is ALWAYS occurring in the Marine Corps, but still high spirited. And today I got my first letter from him. It was nice to hold something he had touched, but makes me worry to read about IED explosions he has witnessed.



Anyway, on a more celebratory note [you all owe me $10 for that word], the twins got into the school where Robby has been going for 3 years, and they start May 15!!! Unfortunately I don't have any choice in how often they go, so all three kids will be there Monday thru Friday. YAY!!! Finally, I get a relief! Maybe I will actually get to clean and organize the house! [wow, I get excited over weird things...] So, I'm looking forward to being able to actually HANDLE all the responsibilities that are on my plate right now. And to answer your questions:



NO, I am not going back to school [yet, at least], and...



NO, I am NOT planning to get a job! I already have several; it's called Mother, surrogate Father, housekeeper, laundress, accountant, cook, chauffeur, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH..... SO FUCK ALL OF Y'ALL WHO THINK I'LL BE SITTIN' ON MY ASS ALL DAY WATCHING SOAP OPERAS AND PAINTING MY TOENAILS!!!



Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest... I DO plan on taking some time for ME once the kids are all in school, but I am by no means LAZY. My intentions are to get the damn house clean first and foremost!



Anyway, got a girlfriend in crisis on the phone...gotta go.

monday

Why is it that whenever I'm feeling sad or down or depressed or WHATEVER, I just HAVE to listen to sad and/or depressing music?? It just makes everything worse, but for some reason, I cope by wallowing in the depths of despair for a while. It helps me release my pain, and then I can carry on.




Courtney and Juniors' wedding was depressing. I DON'T cry in public, or even in front of my girlfriends, but I was BAWLING at this freakin wedding. So many damn problems occurred BEFORE the wedding (stained dress, thunderstorm, dead bouquets...LOTS of Xanax being passed out...), and everyone was just so releived to GET TO THE ALTAR. Everyone was crying. Me and the other 2 bridesmaids just stood there, tears dripping onto our silk dresses, no one having thought to bring tissues.



It was the single worst day since I've seen my husband (29 days now). Fuck the stomache flu, ear infections.... I had to sit and watch the most moving personal wedding vows EVER, and be there without my Heart. I'm sure when I get a copy of the video, I will see myself in the background, convoluting my face while trying my damnedest NOT to burst out into uncontrollable sobs. I choked and forced a pained smile. The reception was equally depressing, especially because this couple is THE couple that Drew and I are best friends with... we make a great foursome (NO sexual inuendo here). We are so alike as couples: MADLY in love, kinky, adventurous, etc., and so I sat and watched them be that way and all I could think about was how IT'S NOT FAIR that Drew can't be here!!! GODDAMNIT! Shitty, shitty, shitty! MOTHERFUCKER! There just aren't enough cuss words!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!



Anyway, I still haven't heard from Drew since the 14th. I know he checked his email last night, though. AH-HA! Drew, you better call me! If you can check your email, you can pick up a phone! Or at least send me an email!!! I love you and miss you and NEED to hear your voice, babe. I just don't work without you.



Oh, and by the way, I may be getting promoted to Key Volunteer COORDINATOR soon... yay, more work for me! But, let me tell you, I DO like the thought of being at the TOP of the phone tree! I get the info straight from the CO. woohoo!



Well, gotta go shower now. babies are sleeping and i stink!



Love.

today in my own personal hell...

Today has been weird. I've just been in a weird mood. I've already taken ONE xanax, and i fear when it wears off i'll just need another one. I feel like i'm always teetering on the edge of a breakdown, or anxiety attack...i don't even know what to call it. what i DO know is that i don't like feeling this way -- AT ALL. i haven't gotten any letters from drew yet, and it's been 6 days since he last called. so much stressful shit has gone down since i saw him last (25 days and counting), and my emotional strength is depleting rapidly.




i feel like i really need a vacation from all this... and even though i've got a 3 day weekend without the kids coming up (tomorrow), it will NOT be restful... my good friend is getting married and i'm in the wedding...making broaches for all the bridesmaids (not finished yet!)...helping prepare the food for the recption...then unpacking at their new house on sunday before a trip to the commissary (NAS-JAX), then driving home to get the kids and start this hell all over again.



i just PRAY that the twins get into the preschool starting summer A (early may). they've been on the waiting list for over a year, and their getting in SOON is what will determine how much longer my pseudo-sanity will last.



all i want to do right now is curl up in my bed and cry -- i miss my husband SO MUCH it is interfearing with my daily routines... everytime i see a picture, or hear about other peoples' romantic escapades, or see something lovey-dovey on tv, i fade out into this numb, silent place where i dwell in the fact that i am so utterly ALONE. and that i may never even see my dear heart alive again.



my sinus infection is taking it's sweet motherfucking time resolving, i can't sleep without codeine cough syrup, all my kids are cranky and miserable and two of them are teething. NO ONE in this house has slept through the night in over 2 weeks. i am exhausted and depressed and lonely and frustrated and want to run away and hide.



"Wake me up when September ends" never struck me as deeply as it does now. after september, the days will be closing in to drew's return. too bad it's only april...



when drew and i said our goodbyes that sunday afternoon in the barracks parking lot in "whorehouse bay," some other marine was working on his jeep, and blasting his stereo. as we stood there, trembling and hugging so long and hard and tears streaming down my face and drew trying so hard to be strong for me (but i could see the tears in his eyes), a song came on that will replay in my mind forever..."The most lonliest day of my life..." (who is that, system of a down?) anyway, we pulled back and looked at eachother, and shared one last morbidly humorous moment... "well, isn't THIS appropriate," i said, forcing a smile while sniffling and wiping my tears. "Yeah, really!" he replied, blinking hard.



And it was.

to my everyday heroes...

This is to everyone who is helping me through my difficult time:




To Shelby, who comes over as often as possible, keeps me company, makes me laugh, lends a hand with my kids, helping the roughest part of the day go by more quickly and smoothly... THANK YOU.



To Wolf, who spends most of his weekends here, delighting in the company of my children, changing diapers as if they were HIS children, bringing LEGO STARWARS to keep Robby happy and occupied, offering to babysit, doing yardwork, and watching my girly primetime shows with me... THANK YOU.



To Katie, my sister-in-law, who comes over to visit ME, babysits relentlessly and for no charge (except dinner as often as i can) AND does surprise housework while I'm out, and who my children adore... THANK YOU.



To my parents-in-law, who have bent over backwards on a regular basis, keeping my kids while i have to go out of town, offering me weekends at the beach (ALONE), babysitting almost whenever i need it, taxiing Robby home from school for me, bringing dinner when we're sick, helping me catch up on the chores, missing my husband as much as I do (well, almost ;)), checking on me often, offering anything i need and asking nothing in return...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I will never be able to thank them enough.



To Carlie, for talking to me on the phone almost every day, listening to me vent, and reminding me of my OWN advice: "This, too, shall pass!" And for coming over, when her schedule allows, to hang out, watch the kids play, talk about EVERYTHING, and discuss our dreams for future entrepreneurial careers... THANK YOU.



To Courtney, for KNOWING when I need her, driving all the way from jax to help me clean my house, offering advice and encouragement, and driving her long-distance bill through the roof with our hours-long phone conversations... THANK YOU.



And finally, to my dear husband, Drew, whose love and commitment are my anchor. He supported my desire to be a stay-at-home mom, making a living that allows us to afford that (and even wants MORE kids), calls me from the front-lines to let me know he's still safe, and is risking his life to do what he was born to do; protect our freedom! I love you forever, Sgt. Neilson!!!



THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. WITHOUT YOU ALL I WOULD BE INSANE BY NOW. PLEASE DON'T EVER FEEL LIKE I DON'T APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU ALL DO FOR ME. I LOVE EACH OF YOU; KNOW THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THIS ROUGH TIME WITHOUT YOUR HELP!!!



[and if i didn't list you, don't feel neglected, it's because i'm tring to do this as quickly as possible as my children are running rampant around the house right now...more later as i find time!!]



Sincerely,



Michelle Montague Neilson

how i'm doing now...

so, i haven't seen my husband in 20 days. it's been rough, especially since all three kids and I have had a nasty cold (thanks again, shelby). My cold turned into a sinus infection and the twins both have ear infections. Robby is the only one who seems to have escaped the worst of it. Drew called yesterday from Iraq while I was at the pediatrician with Devin. We only talked for about 3 minutes because it was midnight where he was and he needed to go to sleep.




After we hung up tears started streaming down my face as I was checking out of the doctor's office. When I got in the van I lost it -- poor Devin sat there like and angel while I cried. Then I drove to Publix and sat in the parking lot and cried some more. When I went in to get some prescriptions filled, I wandered around like a zombie, throwing various grocery items into the cart and waiting for the pharmacy to finish up.



All the stress from the past few weeks had just built up too much, and I have been missing Drew so much but trying not to think about it. But after hearing his voice, my guard came tumbling down and all the repressed emotion came pouring out.



I've been doing a lot of soul searching in the past few days, mainly because my sister and I had a huge fight and she told me I'm a selfish bitch and my friends won't confront me because they are afraid of me. I realize I am selfish and bitchy, but being selfish is part of being in survival mode, and being bitchy is part of being a stay-at-home mom who's husband is 3000 miles away and in a warzone. I desperately need help, and lots of it, but my sis made it blatantly obvious that I have no right to ask for it. I chose to marry a Marine, so I have to deal with him being gone. I chose to have three children (meaning I chose NOT to have abortions), so I have to deal with all the stresses of being a mom. alone. I made my own bed. now i lay in it and cry. this is what my family tells me. i have no right to complain or ask for help because i did this to myself. and if i do ask for help, i will lose my friends.



I'm sorry, but my definition of a friend is someone who is there for you in good times and in bad, helping you when you need help and getting help from you when they need it. but apparently i am wrong. apparently friends are people who come over to visit and talk and drink all your alcohol and eat all your food use your hot water and complain about how difficult your children are and then not do anything in return but complain even more. and if ishould ask for help with my overwhelming list of chores, they will feel used and abused and afraid of me. well, wasn't i way off!



anyway, more later.


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ADDENDUM (edited to add on 4/18/06):
Apparently, not everyone picked up on the sarcasm in my last blog. the "friends" i was defining were referring to what my sister made apparent to me while doing her best to drive me to suicide. The lazy, ungrateful person i was talking about was HER, not anyone else, so rest easy, my dear friends. My sister and i had a big fight, and i kicked her out of my house with the reasoning that if my husband cut me down as hatefully and frequently as she was, i would DIVORCE him. And, you can all bet, that if Drew were here, he would have kicked her out long before i did for disrespecting his wife. so boo-yah!




and i don't give a fuck that anyone with a myspace account can read this, dear sister!! you should know by now that i excel at passive-aggressive revenge!! so here it is! next time watch your fucking mouth!!!!



to the rest of you, thank you for your continued support, and i love you all.



Michelle M. Neilson