i am so fuckin fucked up right now~ i don't know whether to call it depression or just the irritability of smoking withdrawal or the resentment surrounding quitting or if i need to back down on the wellbutrin or if i'm just plain sleep-deprived and break-deprived. i can't function. i guess it's depression. i'm totally burned out. i hate my house, i hate my life, i hate my children. (what a horrible thing for a mother to say!) i don't want to have to take care of anyone or anything. i guess that's the mindset of a spoiled child because i don't want to have to work or do any chores or have any commitments or obligations. but this isn't a snobbery thing. i am just so sick in my soul right now that i can't.function.
i want to be able to read, write, knit, sew, watch tv, eat, SLEEP, even clean/organize/purge --- all of this WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. i need a fucking vacation, is what i need.
B Y M Y S E L F. but i worry that i might not come back. and i'm so depressed that i have little interest in doing any of those things anyway. i WANT to knit, sew, write, watch tv, sleep, but strangely...i just...don't want to. no energy. no motivation. i'm even having to remind myself to eat.
or i need a staycation and everyoneelsegocation. i'll be getting a half-assed one of those this weekend when drew takes at least 2 kids to paintball (even though that leaves me with the two most high-maintenance of the children, sooooooo... not much of a break!), but how is that going to get me through the next 5 days??? even tonight i will send drew to his parents' house for dinner...and he doesn't know it yet but he'll be taking all the kids with him. and i will stay home and do whatever the fuck i want.
i'm so burnt out that i am going to need frequent, long breaks to recuperate from this wreck that i am these days. it's to the point that i need major breaks, like, all the time. i am in this so deep i don't know how long it's going to be before i don't need "intensive break therapy" (ha.) anymore. even having "just the baby" isn't cutting it anymore. i need more breaks from her, too. i feel consumed by her, by her needs, to which i am a slave. i just need.more.breaks. having a REALLY hard time adhering to the oxygen mask theory. i'm trying, but they are getting in the way, so i'm getting angry at them for preventing me from taking care of myself. like i'm to the point where i am seriously considering starting smoking again, just in case that's why i'm in such a funk. but the guilt about "failing" quitting would just make things worse, as well as throw me right back into the shameful social stigma. more guilt and shame? no thanks.
i went shopping for 9 hours on saturday. drew took the older kids to church yesterday and let me and the baby sleep in (not that it made a dent in the sleep deprivation since i have been up until 3, 4, 5am every night for perhaps over a week now for various reasons - AND i missed church, which means i missed my weekly spiritual recharge). i went to choir practice last thursday and then went for coffee with a friend after. gone for 4 hours. i'm getting a few hours alone this evening. i'm getting a few hours alone this coming thursday from grandma and then choir practice again thursday night. then this weekend with the paintball tournament (but that will still leave me with theyounger two, or at LEAST the baby).
i hope this all will help because right now the only thing i can think of that will really help would be running away. just packing up and leaving all of this. not that i would get far. i have no money of my own. and my littles are quite attached to me. and i am to them. although the way my mind has been lately i can feel the threads of attachment thinning, breaking...and not in a healthy, natural way. i feel pulled between the primal mother in me and the crazy, insecure, depressed, confused, lost, exhausted woman in which that primal mother resides.
i just want to hide.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
The Great Cloth Diaper Change 2012
So, I have decided that I don't already have enough on my plate (HA!) and volunteered to host our city's chapter of The Great Cloth Diaper Change 2012, which is an attempt to break the world record for the most cloth diapers changed at one time. It is a great way to show the world how many people are already choosing and using reusable cloth diapers successfully.
The event is still 10 weeks away (happening on 4/21/12), but I'm so excited! My co-host and I have grand plans for our little town (well, not so little -- population 120K and a very progressive, crunchy-friendly place!) . There is actually very little required to carry out the event, but we are going above and beyond. We have cute bumper stickers to sell, awesome items to raffle off and goodie bags for the participants that are going to be THE SHIT. We have contacted a TON of companies/manufacturers of various cloth-diaper-related and/or "crunchy" items, many of whom are sending us samples, coupons, or even full size products or gift baskets for our raffle!
Here are the (3"x5") bumper stickers we are selling.
And a T-shirt for the raffle (size 2T)
(I ordered all of the above from cafepress.)
After we recoup our expenses, all proceeds will go to the Real Diaper Association, a non-profit organization that provides support and education to parents all across North America for the use of simple, reusable cloth diapers.
More on this as it unfolds! :)
The event is still 10 weeks away (happening on 4/21/12), but I'm so excited! My co-host and I have grand plans for our little town (well, not so little -- population 120K and a very progressive, crunchy-friendly place!) . There is actually very little required to carry out the event, but we are going above and beyond. We have cute bumper stickers to sell, awesome items to raffle off and goodie bags for the participants that are going to be THE SHIT. We have contacted a TON of companies/manufacturers of various cloth-diaper-related and/or "crunchy" items, many of whom are sending us samples, coupons, or even full size products or gift baskets for our raffle!
Here are the (3"x5") bumper stickers we are selling.
And a T-shirt for the raffle (size 2T)
(I ordered all of the above from cafepress.)
After we recoup our expenses, all proceeds will go to the Real Diaper Association, a non-profit organization that provides support and education to parents all across North America for the use of simple, reusable cloth diapers.
More on this as it unfolds! :)
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Six Senses Saturday
Watching
~ My twins learn to read and write. I believe in delayed academics, and we unschool, so this sudden interest and progression was a delightful surprise. Coincidentally, this is occurring right after their 7th birthday (which was December 30th), and 7 is the age that is supposedly most appropriate for introducing academics; when the brain is finally, really ready for it.
~ Once Upon a Time, that new show on ABC. Like I needed another show to get hooked on. Thank goodness for TiVo, so I can feed my addictions at my own convenience. :D
Hearing
~ Children: Playing outside. Fighting. Being silly and loud in the early mornings while I am trying to either catch a few more winks, or sneak out from under a still-sleeping baby. Joy. Innocence (well, sort of...).
~ Audiobooks. The twins love them. I love that they love them. I love that they are being exposed (repeatedly) to classic children's literature before they are able to read it themselves, and without me having to read it to them (I am lazy...ahem, busy, and reading aloud makes my voice hurt).
~ Soothing music. I have had my "birth music" playing on repeat 24/7 in my bedroom. It helps the baby sleep, and whenever I walk into my bedroom, whether to change a diaper or haul some laundry, I step into a magical, tranquil world, even if just for a moment.
Smelling
Lavender, eucalyptus, and tea tree oils coming from the vaporizers in both bedrooms. Someone has inevitably had some kind of illness requiring such treatment for over a month now. It is a comforting smell. Dropping those oils into the water as I fill the vaporizers each evening is one of those times I feel like I'm "giving from the heart"...it's one of those things that I lovingly do to care for my family. I am the healer in this house, which is both a duty and an honor.
Feeling
~ The warm (yes, warm) "Winter" weather. 75-80 degrees almost every day. Only a handful of rainy days or freezing nights so far. Cold fronts few and far between, lasting only a few days. Azaleas are blooming in January!! A winter wardrobe seems like such a waste of space this year! I love it. It's as if my wish came true: "I wish it was 75 and breezy every day!" -- said when discussing my hatred for both cold winter weather and stifling hot and humid summer weather...I prefer Spring and Fall only, thank you very much.
~ Overwhelmed. So many projects, commitments, activities, responsibilities. Every now and then I get to this point where I have to step back and start saying "No." We don't have to go to every playdate. We don't have to go somewhere every day. Need-to-do vs. Want-to-do. Priorities. Must maintain sanity. Must take care of myself. And if that means spending a few days homebound puttering on the computer (and spending WAY too much time with my blog...ahem...), well, that's okay. I deserve it, dammit! #oxygenmasktheory :)
Tasting
~ A lot of pasta. I prefer mine with olive oil, salt & pepper, and a healthy dose of fresh, grated Parmesan. (That is, of course, if there is no fresh Alfredo sauce available.)
~ I have also been eating a lot of avocados; sometimes scooped right out of the skin with a spoon, sometimes carefully diced and drowning in red wine vinegar and seasoned salt.
~ Oh yeah, and these super-thin organic corn chips with a dip i make out of sour cream with some "Condimento Completo" in it (whose first ingredient is MSG...a fact I did not discover until I had tasted it, fallen in love with it, and then bought a jar of my own. *sigh*).
~ I also discovered these nifty "steam in the bag" sides at Target that are useful as entire single-serving meals. I really like the Thai veggies & rice one. Too bad Target is such a trek for me. :/
I could go on, but I'll stop...have I mentioned that I'm a foodie?
Intuiting
Apparently there has been a return of paranormal activity in our house. Years ago we had a lot of weird things happen (mainly through electronic devices) but then a psychic friend said "he just wants to be acknowledged"...so we made an effort to acknowledge him, and miraculously, the weird shit stopped.
Well, recently, my almost-4-year-old son has had some scary experiences at night. He woke up Daddy (who sleeps with him) and, terrified, spoke of a "scary guy looking at me" from the hallway. 4-5 nights in a row. Anyway, we did a whole-house smudging with white sage, chanting "EVIL SPIRITS, I BANISH YOU!" over and over and over, and they started sleeping with the door shut. Problem solved (or at least masked). For now.
~ My twins learn to read and write. I believe in delayed academics, and we unschool, so this sudden interest and progression was a delightful surprise. Coincidentally, this is occurring right after their 7th birthday (which was December 30th), and 7 is the age that is supposedly most appropriate for introducing academics; when the brain is finally, really ready for it.
~ Once Upon a Time, that new show on ABC. Like I needed another show to get hooked on. Thank goodness for TiVo, so I can feed my addictions at my own convenience. :D
Hearing
~ Children: Playing outside. Fighting. Being silly and loud in the early mornings while I am trying to either catch a few more winks, or sneak out from under a still-sleeping baby. Joy. Innocence (well, sort of...).
~ Audiobooks. The twins love them. I love that they love them. I love that they are being exposed (repeatedly) to classic children's literature before they are able to read it themselves, and without me having to read it to them (I am lazy...ahem, busy, and reading aloud makes my voice hurt).
~ Soothing music. I have had my "birth music" playing on repeat 24/7 in my bedroom. It helps the baby sleep, and whenever I walk into my bedroom, whether to change a diaper or haul some laundry, I step into a magical, tranquil world, even if just for a moment.
Smelling
Lavender, eucalyptus, and tea tree oils coming from the vaporizers in both bedrooms. Someone has inevitably had some kind of illness requiring such treatment for over a month now. It is a comforting smell. Dropping those oils into the water as I fill the vaporizers each evening is one of those times I feel like I'm "giving from the heart"...it's one of those things that I lovingly do to care for my family. I am the healer in this house, which is both a duty and an honor.
Feeling
~ The warm (yes, warm) "Winter" weather. 75-80 degrees almost every day. Only a handful of rainy days or freezing nights so far. Cold fronts few and far between, lasting only a few days. Azaleas are blooming in January!! A winter wardrobe seems like such a waste of space this year! I love it. It's as if my wish came true: "I wish it was 75 and breezy every day!" -- said when discussing my hatred for both cold winter weather and stifling hot and humid summer weather...I prefer Spring and Fall only, thank you very much.
~ Overwhelmed. So many projects, commitments, activities, responsibilities. Every now and then I get to this point where I have to step back and start saying "No." We don't have to go to every playdate. We don't have to go somewhere every day. Need-to-do vs. Want-to-do. Priorities. Must maintain sanity. Must take care of myself. And if that means spending a few days homebound puttering on the computer (and spending WAY too much time with my blog...ahem...), well, that's okay. I deserve it, dammit! #oxygenmasktheory :)
Tasting
~ A lot of pasta. I prefer mine with olive oil, salt & pepper, and a healthy dose of fresh, grated Parmesan. (That is, of course, if there is no fresh Alfredo sauce available.)
~ I have also been eating a lot of avocados; sometimes scooped right out of the skin with a spoon, sometimes carefully diced and drowning in red wine vinegar and seasoned salt.
~ Oh yeah, and these super-thin organic corn chips with a dip i make out of sour cream with some "Condimento Completo" in it (whose first ingredient is MSG...a fact I did not discover until I had tasted it, fallen in love with it, and then bought a jar of my own. *sigh*).
~ I also discovered these nifty "steam in the bag" sides at Target that are useful as entire single-serving meals. I really like the Thai veggies & rice one. Too bad Target is such a trek for me. :/
I could go on, but I'll stop...have I mentioned that I'm a foodie?
Intuiting
Apparently there has been a return of paranormal activity in our house. Years ago we had a lot of weird things happen (mainly through electronic devices) but then a psychic friend said "he just wants to be acknowledged"...so we made an effort to acknowledge him, and miraculously, the weird shit stopped.
Well, recently, my almost-4-year-old son has had some scary experiences at night. He woke up Daddy (who sleeps with him) and, terrified, spoke of a "scary guy looking at me" from the hallway. 4-5 nights in a row. Anyway, we did a whole-house smudging with white sage, chanting "EVIL SPIRITS, I BANISH YOU!" over and over and over, and they started sleeping with the door shut. Problem solved (or at least masked). For now.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
It's a New Year, and I Quit Smoking!
My life has changed a lot just in the past few weeks. Why? Because I quit smoking on New Years Day. Yup, that's right. If you never knew I smoked, well, ya do now. (Woohoo!) I smoked full time for 13 years. It was part of me -- part of my identity (you know, that dark genius vibe - HEH), a major part of my mood-stabilizing medication regimen, and a BIG source of shame for me. BIG.
This is me sitting in my chair on the back porch, ritualistically smoking my Last Cigarette on New Years Day (in the morning...I am also hungover. The plan was to smoke my last one right before bed the night before, but I drank a whole bottle of champagne on an empty stomach and didn't even make it to midnight....yeah.....)
So, it's been quite an experience so far. I have had days where I am totally confident, days where I suddenly dipped into a severely depressed state, days when I feel like a heroin addict must feel while detoxing (I don't really know how else to describe it...like feeling like I wanted to jump out of my own skin). I made it through those infamous "first 3 days", slipped on day 7 (BAD, BAD day. freaking out. but that cig tasted like ashes, so that was a good thing to experience), then again on day 10 (this neighbor bitch stole my cell phone and we were dealing with the cops...again, the cig tasted like an ash tray). So then I make it to the 2 week mark. I have made it through both of the "hardest" parts. But yet, I still have cravings. STRONG cravings. The nicotine gum and lozenges don't hit me fast enough when I really, really need a nic hit QUICK.
I guess the difference now, is that I am used to not being able to smoke. I'm just used to having to deal with the cravings. The cravings still totally suck. Even typing this, all I want to do it go light up. I keep reminding myself about how bad it tasted those 2 times I slipped, and how I can still get that nicotine through a piece of gum or a lozenge (but that is so TIME CONSUMING -- it takes 30 minutes to get the full dose from one of those things!). So, on top of all my other meds, I'm somehow surviving, but my moods are all over the place and my mental illness is more apparent now than it has been in a loooong time. Just like I was afraid it would be. And I hate it. I mean, I gave up a mood stabilizing drug that has been coursing through my brain on a regular basis since before my brain was fully formed. (I think. I'm actually not sure at what age the brain is fully formed, but I was 16 when I started smoking regularly, and hooked at 17.)
I have had a lot of anger and resentment surrounding my quitting, actually. I did not quit because I wanted to. I did not quit because I was ready to. I quit because I felt like I HAD to. We simply cannot afford to support my smoking habit anymore. We are living on grants and loans as my husband finishes college. Smoking is too expensive. The guilt about the money we were spending on cigarettes was suddenly too much. Then, of course, there is the shame and humiliation of being a smoker when the rest of my life/social circle/philosophies are soooo nowhere NEAR smoke-friendly. (I AM bipolar, you know. ha. ha.) It was the one vice I had brought with me from my youth. Of course I could see all the good things about quitting. But I DIDN'T WANT TO. So, as a result, I often have periods of sullen resentment toward...my family? society? the world? existence? I didn't want to quit. I wasn't ready.
This is an excerpt from an email I sent to a friend several years ago, trying to explain my addiction to her:
the addiction is stronger than i am. it is stronger than my love for my children. and that sucks. but, it is basically part of my treatment for my crazy-lady issues, and the doctors have even told me not to worry too much about it. for some people (like me), quitting can be more detrimental than continuing to smoke, depending on the circumstances. i know it sounds totally ridiculous. the statistics about people like me (bipolar) are scary. we have shorter life spans due to reckless behavior (which i guess smoking could be considered one), and a huge majority of us smoke.
for me, it was not long ago that the thought of quitting would literally cause me to panic. i want to quit for all the right reasons, but that want is only 49%... the other 51% is the addiction telling me i can't live without it, and that's the dominant part. that has caused be to become defensive about my smoking, because i KNOW it's awful but the addiction is too powerful.
i have always been very self-conscious and ashamed about the fact that i smoke. i don't advertise it because i know people judge -- i'm either ignorant white trash or crazy. either way, i don't want to be judged any more than i already am for things i really CAN'T hide. not that it's that easy to hide the fact that i smoke. i know i probably stink most of the time.
my mom gave me such a complex about it because she's probably the most anti-smoking person on earth. i remember her disgusted snarls when she smelled, saw, or just TALKED about smoking when i was growing up. and when i became addicted as a teenager, i was everything my mother hated. isn't that what every teenage girl wants? ;)
well, that was one part of my past that i couldn't leave behind. i took the addiction and the shame into adulthood. i'm supposed to be myself and not worry about what other people think of me, but i don't want to burn bridges either, ya know? so many people have told me to get over it, own it, if they don't like me for me then sod 'em! well, that's easier said than done, especially when you want to surround yourself with positive influences, not many of which smoke (because it's bad for you and your children and it costs too much money and you stink, blah, blah, blah, thanks mom). i have always tried to be respectful of other people's hatred of smoking by not doing in front of them, going far away from them to do so, avoiding children as much as possible, etc.
i recently confronted my mom about my shame, and she assured me that she doesn't see my sister and me as monsters because we smoke, and that she doesn't think i love my children any less. that made me feel better. it's ridiculous how powerful our mothers' words are, regardless of our age.
So, I finally became (deep breath) ready after contacting the Florida Quitline. They did a Quit Coach session with me over the phone after some initial screening questions. We went over my history and my triggers, and developed a plan. They sent me (for free) 2 weeks worth of nicotine patches and a quit smoking guide (which was very helpful -- full of checklists and exercises to help you prepare). I put the rest of the supplies I would need for the 8 week program on my Christmas list, and got them! They have an online support forum which I spent a bit of time in before my quit date came up, but have since abandoned it, for some reason (too many other social networks?). I had a few weeks to mentally prepare, and when Quit Day came, I was ready.
Anyhoo, that's all I have to say about that right now. I have a whole 'nuther post planned about all the awesome changes that have occurred since I quit. There was a day a few weeks ago when I cried to my husband, saying "Why didn't I do this sooner?"...
This is me sitting in my chair on the back porch, ritualistically smoking my Last Cigarette on New Years Day (in the morning...I am also hungover. The plan was to smoke my last one right before bed the night before, but I drank a whole bottle of champagne on an empty stomach and didn't even make it to midnight....yeah.....)
So, it's been quite an experience so far. I have had days where I am totally confident, days where I suddenly dipped into a severely depressed state, days when I feel like a heroin addict must feel while detoxing (I don't really know how else to describe it...like feeling like I wanted to jump out of my own skin). I made it through those infamous "first 3 days", slipped on day 7 (BAD, BAD day. freaking out. but that cig tasted like ashes, so that was a good thing to experience), then again on day 10 (this neighbor bitch stole my cell phone and we were dealing with the cops...again, the cig tasted like an ash tray). So then I make it to the 2 week mark. I have made it through both of the "hardest" parts. But yet, I still have cravings. STRONG cravings. The nicotine gum and lozenges don't hit me fast enough when I really, really need a nic hit QUICK.
I guess the difference now, is that I am used to not being able to smoke. I'm just used to having to deal with the cravings. The cravings still totally suck. Even typing this, all I want to do it go light up. I keep reminding myself about how bad it tasted those 2 times I slipped, and how I can still get that nicotine through a piece of gum or a lozenge (but that is so TIME CONSUMING -- it takes 30 minutes to get the full dose from one of those things!). So, on top of all my other meds, I'm somehow surviving, but my moods are all over the place and my mental illness is more apparent now than it has been in a loooong time. Just like I was afraid it would be. And I hate it. I mean, I gave up a mood stabilizing drug that has been coursing through my brain on a regular basis since before my brain was fully formed. (I think. I'm actually not sure at what age the brain is fully formed, but I was 16 when I started smoking regularly, and hooked at 17.)
I have had a lot of anger and resentment surrounding my quitting, actually. I did not quit because I wanted to. I did not quit because I was ready to. I quit because I felt like I HAD to. We simply cannot afford to support my smoking habit anymore. We are living on grants and loans as my husband finishes college. Smoking is too expensive. The guilt about the money we were spending on cigarettes was suddenly too much. Then, of course, there is the shame and humiliation of being a smoker when the rest of my life/social circle/philosophies are soooo nowhere NEAR smoke-friendly. (I AM bipolar, you know. ha. ha.) It was the one vice I had brought with me from my youth. Of course I could see all the good things about quitting. But I DIDN'T WANT TO. So, as a result, I often have periods of sullen resentment toward...my family? society? the world? existence? I didn't want to quit. I wasn't ready.
This is an excerpt from an email I sent to a friend several years ago, trying to explain my addiction to her:
the addiction is stronger than i am. it is stronger than my love for my children. and that sucks. but, it is basically part of my treatment for my crazy-lady issues, and the doctors have even told me not to worry too much about it. for some people (like me), quitting can be more detrimental than continuing to smoke, depending on the circumstances. i know it sounds totally ridiculous. the statistics about people like me (bipolar) are scary. we have shorter life spans due to reckless behavior (which i guess smoking could be considered one), and a huge majority of us smoke.
for me, it was not long ago that the thought of quitting would literally cause me to panic. i want to quit for all the right reasons, but that want is only 49%... the other 51% is the addiction telling me i can't live without it, and that's the dominant part. that has caused be to become defensive about my smoking, because i KNOW it's awful but the addiction is too powerful.
i have always been very self-conscious and ashamed about the fact that i smoke. i don't advertise it because i know people judge -- i'm either ignorant white trash or crazy. either way, i don't want to be judged any more than i already am for things i really CAN'T hide. not that it's that easy to hide the fact that i smoke. i know i probably stink most of the time.
my mom gave me such a complex about it because she's probably the most anti-smoking person on earth. i remember her disgusted snarls when she smelled, saw, or just TALKED about smoking when i was growing up. and when i became addicted as a teenager, i was everything my mother hated. isn't that what every teenage girl wants? ;)
well, that was one part of my past that i couldn't leave behind. i took the addiction and the shame into adulthood. i'm supposed to be myself and not worry about what other people think of me, but i don't want to burn bridges either, ya know? so many people have told me to get over it, own it, if they don't like me for me then sod 'em! well, that's easier said than done, especially when you want to surround yourself with positive influences, not many of which smoke (because it's bad for you and your children and it costs too much money and you stink, blah, blah, blah, thanks mom). i have always tried to be respectful of other people's hatred of smoking by not doing in front of them, going far away from them to do so, avoiding children as much as possible, etc.
i recently confronted my mom about my shame, and she assured me that she doesn't see my sister and me as monsters because we smoke, and that she doesn't think i love my children any less. that made me feel better. it's ridiculous how powerful our mothers' words are, regardless of our age.
So, I finally became (deep breath) ready after contacting the Florida Quitline. They did a Quit Coach session with me over the phone after some initial screening questions. We went over my history and my triggers, and developed a plan. They sent me (for free) 2 weeks worth of nicotine patches and a quit smoking guide (which was very helpful -- full of checklists and exercises to help you prepare). I put the rest of the supplies I would need for the 8 week program on my Christmas list, and got them! They have an online support forum which I spent a bit of time in before my quit date came up, but have since abandoned it, for some reason (too many other social networks?). I had a few weeks to mentally prepare, and when Quit Day came, I was ready.
Anyhoo, that's all I have to say about that right now. I have a whole 'nuther post planned about all the awesome changes that have occurred since I quit. There was a day a few weeks ago when I cried to my husband, saying "Why didn't I do this sooner?"...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Blog Makeover Amendment
Last year, in this post, I wrote this:
"I have taken some time this morning to make a lot of changes here on my blog in order to make it more...appropriate...for the public eye. I hid several posts that are very personal and/or FML-style venting. I want to be able to use this blog for positive things, more like recording the happy memories and successful accomplishments, as well as participating in all these fun blog events I keep seeing."
Yeeeeeeah. Wellllll, I went back and re-published most of those posts. This is MY blog, about ME. I want it to be REAL. I am nutty, so my blog is allowed to be all over the map, too. And over the past year or so, I have learned the value of being authentic (for several reasons: the unassisted birth of my 5th child, my Nonviolent Communication study group, and the suicide of a dear friend -- the latter two will perhaps be blogged about in the future). Not only does it make the writer feel liberated, but the readers feel better, comforted, knowing that others have struggles and quirks, that they aren't the only ones that are "weird" or have shameful/embarrassing secrets. So, I will still participate in blog parties or whatever, but I don't want to mask who I really am. And truthfully, it's the "inappropriate" things that I am drawn to write about the most. So be it. :)
"I have taken some time this morning to make a lot of changes here on my blog in order to make it more...appropriate...for the public eye. I hid several posts that are very personal and/or FML-style venting. I want to be able to use this blog for positive things, more like recording the happy memories and successful accomplishments, as well as participating in all these fun blog events I keep seeing."
Yeeeeeeah. Wellllll, I went back and re-published most of those posts. This is MY blog, about ME. I want it to be REAL. I am nutty, so my blog is allowed to be all over the map, too. And over the past year or so, I have learned the value of being authentic (for several reasons: the unassisted birth of my 5th child, my Nonviolent Communication study group, and the suicide of a dear friend -- the latter two will perhaps be blogged about in the future). Not only does it make the writer feel liberated, but the readers feel better, comforted, knowing that others have struggles and quirks, that they aren't the only ones that are "weird" or have shameful/embarrassing secrets. So, I will still participate in blog parties or whatever, but I don't want to mask who I really am. And truthfully, it's the "inappropriate" things that I am drawn to write about the most. So be it. :)
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Kieran's Eczema Ointment
this stuff is amazing. diaper rashes gone overnight (or a few nights if it's severe...also, probably not good for cloth dipes -- use a liner...well, i don't but i apply it very sparingly to only the affected areas...if thick slathering is necessary, i'll either put a paper towel in there or use a 'sposie). sore nipples, eczema (it's original intended purpose around here), zits, sunburn, chapped lips, bug bites, cuticles, cuts, scrapes. anything. you can use it very sparingly or slather it on.
this is sooooo simple (a little time-consuming, though, but you can make a big batch - fill several small containers - that will last for a year or two or three...i think i've only made it 2-3 times in 6 years).
you need:
- calendula (marigold) petals (in bulk herb section of HFS).
- olive oil (i use organic extra virgin)
- beeswax (craft store - candle section. i get the unrefined yellow stuff)...you'll need to grate it - the finer the better.
- lavender and/or tea tree essential oils (i only use lavender b/c we're sensitive to tto, but both have antimicrobial properties)
put calendula petals in a pot, pour just enough olive oil to cover them. set on medium-low heat. as soon as the oil is hot, turn off the heat and remove the pot from the burner. let cool to room temperature.
strain out petals, discard them. pour oil through coffee filter/funnel (into a mason jar).
okay, you have just made calendula-infused olive oil. (calendula has awesome skin-healing properties.)
next, take about the same amount of grated beeswax (packed lightly) as olive oil (cup for cup). i think i usually do about 1-1.5C of each, depending on how much oil i have.
melt the beeswax (also has awesome skin-healing properties). you can either do this in the microwave or a double-boiler-type situation on the stove.
mix melted wax with oil. stir (i use a tiny wire whisk). add essential oil(s). i add a lot, probably a teaspoon (~25 drops). it will start to turn whiteish as it cools, but don't let it get too cooled before you...
pour into containers; i have used old (cleaned out) ointment/cream jars, and baby food jars, etc.
when it sets (cools), it might have a kind of hard layer on top that you might have to pop your finger through. if you are OCD about consistency, you will painstakingly break up all lumps and make it all nice and smooth with a cheese spreader or something. if it's really too hard, you can re-melt it all and add more oil. way too soft, re-melt and add more wax. yes, it's a PITA if you don't get it perfect the first time, but it's worth it, since like i said, it will last you a looong time and i swear it heals anything on the skin.
have fun, and happy healing!
this is sooooo simple (a little time-consuming, though, but you can make a big batch - fill several small containers - that will last for a year or two or three...i think i've only made it 2-3 times in 6 years).
you need:
- calendula (marigold) petals (in bulk herb section of HFS).
- olive oil (i use organic extra virgin)
- beeswax (craft store - candle section. i get the unrefined yellow stuff)...you'll need to grate it - the finer the better.
- lavender and/or tea tree essential oils (i only use lavender b/c we're sensitive to tto, but both have antimicrobial properties)
put calendula petals in a pot, pour just enough olive oil to cover them. set on medium-low heat. as soon as the oil is hot, turn off the heat and remove the pot from the burner. let cool to room temperature.
strain out petals, discard them. pour oil through coffee filter/funnel (into a mason jar).
okay, you have just made calendula-infused olive oil. (calendula has awesome skin-healing properties.)
next, take about the same amount of grated beeswax (packed lightly) as olive oil (cup for cup). i think i usually do about 1-1.5C of each, depending on how much oil i have.
melt the beeswax (also has awesome skin-healing properties). you can either do this in the microwave or a double-boiler-type situation on the stove.
mix melted wax with oil. stir (i use a tiny wire whisk). add essential oil(s). i add a lot, probably a teaspoon (~25 drops). it will start to turn whiteish as it cools, but don't let it get too cooled before you...
pour into containers; i have used old (cleaned out) ointment/cream jars, and baby food jars, etc.
when it sets (cools), it might have a kind of hard layer on top that you might have to pop your finger through. if you are OCD about consistency, you will painstakingly break up all lumps and make it all nice and smooth with a cheese spreader or something. if it's really too hard, you can re-melt it all and add more oil. way too soft, re-melt and add more wax. yes, it's a PITA if you don't get it perfect the first time, but it's worth it, since like i said, it will last you a looong time and i swear it heals anything on the skin.
have fun, and happy healing!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Conclusions from the Flats and Handwash Challenge
My answers to the exit survey (a lot of the questions did not offer an exact answer for me, so I had to choose the closest answer):
General
- I took this challenge because I wanted to prove handwashing is possible for low income families.
- I had never used flats before this challenge.
- One "newborn" participated (well, she's 6 months old, but not crawling yet, so...)
- The poop situation was "newborn/breastfed" (technically, she's an early eater, but just barely, so not enough to be considered "peanut butter poop" ;))
- Rashes: we did not have rashes before or during the challenge.
Flats
- How many? I said "20-24"
- What kind? 20 flour sack towels and a few Gerber Birdseye flats used as doublers for night time.
- I estimated that I spent "1-3 hours" (total) researching folds.
I perused different tutorials for a while a few times, experimented with folding, then tried out several folds on the baby in the weeks before the challenge began.
- The fold I used the most was ("other")the angel fold
...basically the pad fold with the top corners pulled out to make a poo pocket. :) However, I did have to make an adjustment to the rise of the dipe, which meant that there were only 6 layers in the very front, 12 right at her pee exit area :) and then about 4 layers at the back.
- The hardest part about using flats was "learning how to use them."
- Covers: I used "sized PUL covers" (Thirsties velcro, size medium)
- Accessory I feel is a must: "drying rack"
It was great to have a portable drying rack that I could hang the dipes on straight from where I was washing them (if desired) and then follow the sunlight around the yard if I needed to. (I would have said washboard if that had been an option, because I thought it was really great for scrubbing poo stains out.)
- Estimated value of my flats challenge stash: "$75-100"
$20 ..... 20 dipes (flour sack towels)
$44 ..... 4 Thirsties covers ($11/ea at Nicki's Diapers)
$20 ..... wooden drying rack (like this one)
$10 ..... washboard (new, from our local flea market...unable to find web link, sorry)
$94 ..... TOTAL
Ideally, I would suggest 25 dipes, 5 covers, and 2 drying racks, which would put start-up costs at $120...and this also does not account for wipes (mine are double-layer flannel, mostly handmade by me out of old receiving blankets, so essentially this could be "free"), and soap (both for wipe solutions and washing the dipes), but I guess people would already have some baby shampoo and laundry detergent on hand...
Washing
- My washing method: "sink with hands"
I washed in the kitchen sink the most times (as described here), but I did try the "bathtub with hands" method once, for the very last washing (described here).
- I disposed of solid waste by: "dunk and swish"
(Actually, there wasn't much solid waste, as baby is EBF'ed and having tiny tastes of solids now, but I pre-rinsed the poopy dipes in the bathroom sink to make it easier to scrub the stains off, and "dunk and swish" was the closest answer to that.)
- How hard was handwashing (scale of 1-5)? I said "3" because the actual handwashing wasn't difficult, in theory, but it was quite hard on my back.
- How time-consuming was handwashing (scale of 1-5)? I said "3" here too.
I found the washing/wringing/hanging to be quite time-consuming, but I tried to compare it to the involvement of resetting the washing machine, adding soaps and such, transferring to dryer, waiting and waiting and waiting...so I figured it's not that much worse than machine-washing, just that it occurs in a more concentrated time frame.
- How clean were my diapers (scale of 1-5)? I said "5 - very clean."
Whatever minor staining I did not scrub off with soap and the washboard got sunned out while they were drying.
- I washed "whenever it was convenient and dried outside."
I did end up having to bring the racks in to finish drying after sunset a few times, and once, I had to dry inside the whole time because it was monsooning outside, heheh.
- The most difficult part of handwashing: "the physical effort" (with "the time commitment" being a close second).
As I have said before, I have a bad back. 'Nuff said.
- The least difficult part of handwashing: "getting the diapers clean." That was surprisingly easy.
Impressions/Opinions
- Do I think others could do this if they had to if they were given the proper education and tools? Absolutely!!!
- If I was in a washerless situation, would I do this full time? As much as possible.
(This is one of those things that I feel I can't answer in absolutes due to differing possible circumstances, like whether there is any money for back-up 'sposies, etc., because if there wasn't, I would definitely do this full time, but if there was...well, I might need to give my back a break every now and then.)
- The most surprising aspect of this challenge? That my diapers were clean!
I don't know why this was so surprising; I mean, everyone used to handwash everything and things got clean, duh. I guess I just figured it would take a lot more effort than it did to get them clean...it really puts into perspective how dependent we have become on modern technology, because really, a human can do a better job than a machine at many things (think: attention to detail ;)), getting stuff clean included.
- I washed "10+" flats at one time (once as many as 20! That was cutting it close!).
I think if I were to do this all the time (use flats, I mean, not the handwashing part), I would definitely not want to wait that long...I'd aim to wash every 1.5-2 days (tops), so that I would not be so anxious about things getting dry by the time I needed them (I was totally imagining having baby wear a regular kitchen towel if it got to that!). Luckily, flats dry fast. ;)
- It took my flats "2-3 hours" to dry.
In all honesty, I might have been able to answer "less than 2 hours," but I didn't pay that much attention to them and wasn't checking on them at regular intervals. I just waited several hours (probably 2-3), checked them, and they were dry. The times I had to bring them in because it got dark, or the time I had to dry them indoors completely, it may have taken slightly longer, but again, I don't really know...(apparently I'm lazy! LOL)
- I washed "2-3" covers at a time, which could be rather nerve-wracking since I only had 4 (my 5th cover was just a big wool soaker for use over the night diaper, was not terribly useful for anything else, since I couldn't find a fold that worked with pins/snappis that was useful, absorbancy-wise). I would have to carefully examine the covers before a washing to see which ones needed it most (e.g. ones that had gotten poo on them, which I carefully wiped off so they could be used again before washing time rolled around). Only once did I have to was 3 at once, and it was nerve-wracking.
- I approximated that it took my covers "3-5 hours" to dry.
The parts that took the longest to dry were the edge bindings and (especially) the front panel where the velcro is, as it is double-layered there. I imagine the Thirsties covers are among the fastest-drying PUL covers, though, as the inner layer is slick and not absorbent (unlike the Bummis covers, for example, which are very difficult to wipe out and reuse in the case of a major poo-splosion, and would, IMO, not be suitable for using in this type of [flats/handwash] situation).
- My favorite thing about the challenge: "storing flats" (i.e. seeing them neatly folded in a stack on the changing table shelves?).
I didn't really like this question's answer options (washing, folding, hanging); I wish it had an "other" fill-in-the-blank option, in which I would have said "The sense of good that I was doing, treading lightly on the Earth as well as our pocketbook." ;)
- My least favorite thing about the challenge: the handwashing (ahem, BAD BACK).
- Will I continue to use flats in my every day diaper rotation? Maybe.
There were many pros about using flats, including the ease of getting them clean due to being one layer, the natural material of the dipes (which to me would imply that stripping would rarely be needed), the low cost of flats, the versatility of items that can be used as flats (e.g. flour sack towels that I used, or flannel receiving blankets which can be acquired very easily, cheaply, or sometimes free if you have the right hook-up! I discussed this in this post).
On the other hand, I do enjoy the convenience and cuteness of my pockets (Fuzzibunz) and all-in-ones (Bumgenius), but don't particularly like the fact they are made entirely of synthetic materials, which make them hot and sweaty in the summertime (and not too Earth-friendly), and they need to be stripped a lot, due to residue build-ups and the resulting stinky smells (which I admittedly use bleach for, occasionally, depending on the severity of the stink). [Haha, in that last sentence I was talking about Earth-friendliness, then mentioned using bleach. Ha. I'm so paradoxical.] The stink, in fact, has in the past caused me to switch entirely to natural materials (cotton fitteds and wool soakers), but our house has been re-piped since then, and a filter installed, so our "bad water" issues are no more, making synthetic dipes possible to use again. At this point, I don't know what my diaper stash will look like when baby outgrows her current ones...0
And, last question (other than my personal comments, which I think I have addressed well enough in this post!):
Would you like more information about donating to Giving Diapers, Giving Hope, a foundation helping provide cloth diapers to those in need? I said YES!
Thank you so much to Kim at Dirty Diaper Laundry for organizing this wonderful learning experience!
General
- I took this challenge because I wanted to prove handwashing is possible for low income families.
- I had never used flats before this challenge.
- One "newborn" participated (well, she's 6 months old, but not crawling yet, so...)
- The poop situation was "newborn/breastfed" (technically, she's an early eater, but just barely, so not enough to be considered "peanut butter poop" ;))
- Rashes: we did not have rashes before or during the challenge.
Flats
- How many? I said "20-24"
- What kind? 20 flour sack towels and a few Gerber Birdseye flats used as doublers for night time.
- I estimated that I spent "1-3 hours" (total) researching folds.
I perused different tutorials for a while a few times, experimented with folding, then tried out several folds on the baby in the weeks before the challenge began.
- The fold I used the most was ("other")the angel fold
...basically the pad fold with the top corners pulled out to make a poo pocket. :) However, I did have to make an adjustment to the rise of the dipe, which meant that there were only 6 layers in the very front, 12 right at her pee exit area :) and then about 4 layers at the back.
- The hardest part about using flats was "learning how to use them."
- Covers: I used "sized PUL covers" (Thirsties velcro, size medium)
- Accessory I feel is a must: "drying rack"
It was great to have a portable drying rack that I could hang the dipes on straight from where I was washing them (if desired) and then follow the sunlight around the yard if I needed to. (I would have said washboard if that had been an option, because I thought it was really great for scrubbing poo stains out.)
- Estimated value of my flats challenge stash: "$75-100"
$20 ..... 20 dipes (flour sack towels)
$44 ..... 4 Thirsties covers ($11/ea at Nicki's Diapers)
$20 ..... wooden drying rack (like this one)
$10 ..... washboard (new, from our local flea market...unable to find web link, sorry)
$94 ..... TOTAL
Ideally, I would suggest 25 dipes, 5 covers, and 2 drying racks, which would put start-up costs at $120...and this also does not account for wipes (mine are double-layer flannel, mostly handmade by me out of old receiving blankets, so essentially this could be "free"), and soap (both for wipe solutions and washing the dipes), but I guess people would already have some baby shampoo and laundry detergent on hand...
Washing
- My washing method: "sink with hands"
I washed in the kitchen sink the most times (as described here), but I did try the "bathtub with hands" method once, for the very last washing (described here).
- I disposed of solid waste by: "dunk and swish"
(Actually, there wasn't much solid waste, as baby is EBF'ed and having tiny tastes of solids now, but I pre-rinsed the poopy dipes in the bathroom sink to make it easier to scrub the stains off, and "dunk and swish" was the closest answer to that.)
- How hard was handwashing (scale of 1-5)? I said "3" because the actual handwashing wasn't difficult, in theory, but it was quite hard on my back.
- How time-consuming was handwashing (scale of 1-5)? I said "3" here too.
I found the washing/wringing/hanging to be quite time-consuming, but I tried to compare it to the involvement of resetting the washing machine, adding soaps and such, transferring to dryer, waiting and waiting and waiting...so I figured it's not that much worse than machine-washing, just that it occurs in a more concentrated time frame.
- How clean were my diapers (scale of 1-5)? I said "5 - very clean."
Whatever minor staining I did not scrub off with soap and the washboard got sunned out while they were drying.
- I washed "whenever it was convenient and dried outside."
I did end up having to bring the racks in to finish drying after sunset a few times, and once, I had to dry inside the whole time because it was monsooning outside, heheh.
- The most difficult part of handwashing: "the physical effort" (with "the time commitment" being a close second).
As I have said before, I have a bad back. 'Nuff said.
- The least difficult part of handwashing: "getting the diapers clean." That was surprisingly easy.
Impressions/Opinions
- Do I think others could do this if they had to if they were given the proper education and tools? Absolutely!!!
- If I was in a washerless situation, would I do this full time? As much as possible.
(This is one of those things that I feel I can't answer in absolutes due to differing possible circumstances, like whether there is any money for back-up 'sposies, etc., because if there wasn't, I would definitely do this full time, but if there was...well, I might need to give my back a break every now and then.)
- The most surprising aspect of this challenge? That my diapers were clean!
I don't know why this was so surprising; I mean, everyone used to handwash everything and things got clean, duh. I guess I just figured it would take a lot more effort than it did to get them clean...it really puts into perspective how dependent we have become on modern technology, because really, a human can do a better job than a machine at many things (think: attention to detail ;)), getting stuff clean included.
- I washed "10+" flats at one time (once as many as 20! That was cutting it close!).
I think if I were to do this all the time (use flats, I mean, not the handwashing part), I would definitely not want to wait that long...I'd aim to wash every 1.5-2 days (tops), so that I would not be so anxious about things getting dry by the time I needed them (I was totally imagining having baby wear a regular kitchen towel if it got to that!). Luckily, flats dry fast. ;)
- It took my flats "2-3 hours" to dry.
In all honesty, I might have been able to answer "less than 2 hours," but I didn't pay that much attention to them and wasn't checking on them at regular intervals. I just waited several hours (probably 2-3), checked them, and they were dry. The times I had to bring them in because it got dark, or the time I had to dry them indoors completely, it may have taken slightly longer, but again, I don't really know...(apparently I'm lazy! LOL)
- I washed "2-3" covers at a time, which could be rather nerve-wracking since I only had 4 (my 5th cover was just a big wool soaker for use over the night diaper, was not terribly useful for anything else, since I couldn't find a fold that worked with pins/snappis that was useful, absorbancy-wise). I would have to carefully examine the covers before a washing to see which ones needed it most (e.g. ones that had gotten poo on them, which I carefully wiped off so they could be used again before washing time rolled around). Only once did I have to was 3 at once, and it was nerve-wracking.
- I approximated that it took my covers "3-5 hours" to dry.
The parts that took the longest to dry were the edge bindings and (especially) the front panel where the velcro is, as it is double-layered there. I imagine the Thirsties covers are among the fastest-drying PUL covers, though, as the inner layer is slick and not absorbent (unlike the Bummis covers, for example, which are very difficult to wipe out and reuse in the case of a major poo-splosion, and would, IMO, not be suitable for using in this type of [flats/handwash] situation).
- My favorite thing about the challenge: "storing flats" (i.e. seeing them neatly folded in a stack on the changing table shelves?).
I didn't really like this question's answer options (washing, folding, hanging); I wish it had an "other" fill-in-the-blank option, in which I would have said "The sense of good that I was doing, treading lightly on the Earth as well as our pocketbook." ;)
- My least favorite thing about the challenge: the handwashing (ahem, BAD BACK).
- Will I continue to use flats in my every day diaper rotation? Maybe.
There were many pros about using flats, including the ease of getting them clean due to being one layer, the natural material of the dipes (which to me would imply that stripping would rarely be needed), the low cost of flats, the versatility of items that can be used as flats (e.g. flour sack towels that I used, or flannel receiving blankets which can be acquired very easily, cheaply, or sometimes free if you have the right hook-up! I discussed this in this post).
On the other hand, I do enjoy the convenience and cuteness of my pockets (Fuzzibunz) and all-in-ones (Bumgenius), but don't particularly like the fact they are made entirely of synthetic materials, which make them hot and sweaty in the summertime (and not too Earth-friendly), and they need to be stripped a lot, due to residue build-ups and the resulting stinky smells (which I admittedly use bleach for, occasionally, depending on the severity of the stink). [Haha, in that last sentence I was talking about Earth-friendliness, then mentioned using bleach. Ha. I'm so paradoxical.] The stink, in fact, has in the past caused me to switch entirely to natural materials (cotton fitteds and wool soakers), but our house has been re-piped since then, and a filter installed, so our "bad water" issues are no more, making synthetic dipes possible to use again. At this point, I don't know what my diaper stash will look like when baby outgrows her current ones...0
And, last question (other than my personal comments, which I think I have addressed well enough in this post!):
Would you like more information about donating to Giving Diapers, Giving Hope, a foundation helping provide cloth diapers to those in need? I said YES!
Thank you so much to Kim at Dirty Diaper Laundry for organizing this wonderful learning experience!
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