Saturday, September 28, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
My Dollar Tree Shopping List
...because i see this all over pinterest and i thought it would be cool to publicly document mine, since it already exists in my phone's notepad app! :D you should know that i have 5 children under the age of 12, and they are VERY curious and VERY hard on things...so a lot of this list is stuff we go through like water because of their mischief and/or play. :/
good deals:
:: timers. i love timers and use them for everything. you can never have enough timers! my kids break things so this is the most affordable way to keep me in good supply.
:: baby board books
:: ziploc baggies
:: tiny trash can liners -- those super thin, scented ones on a roll that are the perfect size for a bathroom trash can.
:: emergency candles -- 6 pack! these sell out quickly. great when you use candles a lot, like at the dinner table or during story time.
:: kids watches. no special features (e.g. alarm), but they tell time! they also sell out quickly
:: seasonal decor (fake flowers, entry table decorations, etc.)
:: hair ties & clips -- since they get lost or broken so easily, i'm not paying 2-3x the price for the name brand ones!
:: funky nail polish and basic makeup -- i rarely wear makeup and the nail polish is just for kids' fun, so quality doesn't really matter. they get the job done. and they have a shade of lipstick that i LOVE, so it is affordable since kids tend to get into that and ruin it (and their easter dress...ahem) as well.
:: natural chap stick -- they have an all-natural beeswax chap stick that comes in 3-packs!
:: purse- or travel-size medications (ibuprofen, tylenol, gas-x, etc.)
:: pregnancy tests! same quality as in your doctor's office. (BUT, you can get a 20-pack for $5 on amazon, so that's definitely more worth it if you are TTC.)
:: liquid soap. this can be hit or miss as i once bought 3 bottles of the stuff that didn't even suds in our hard water.
:: bar soap. they carry the oatmeal/honey and the lavender bars i like so much. i recently started buying the 3-packs of dial natural (or something like that), and i cut them in half and use them as hand soaps -- my kids are huge soap-wasters so this cuts the cost down to about $0.17/"bar". this way, i only end up spending around $1/month on hand soap.
:: placemats
:: pot holders
:: butter dishes (flimsy, yes, but cheaply replaced when they break -- they always get broken no matter how much i pay for them!)
:: kitchen sponges & scouring sponges
:: bandaids & other basic first aid items
:: shoe laces (multipack of different lengths and colors)
:: some school/office supplies (pens, pencils, sharpeners, folders, dividers, sharpies, dry erase markers, scotch tape, workbooks for homeschooling)
:: mailing supplies (for mailing letters and shipping small things that i sell online)
:: magnetic dry erase boards (we have gone through a bunch of these since they are flimsy, but i use them to write my husband's to-do list on.)
:: wooden clothes pins -- i use them for all kinds of things, but most often as chip clips...the kids love to play with them so they get lost/broken a lot, so have to buy more every now and then.
:: kids clothes hangers. they are an affordable way to supply myself with plenty of hangers for the big semi-annual community consignment sale.
:: tiny bottles of goo gone. my kids tend to dump things out, so this is no big loss and i can keep them all around the house. my one complaint is that they don't have the squirty top.
:: duct tape -- small rolls, but since my kids are also tape-wasters, having a smaller roll around means less to waste! especially since a full roll is around $5.
:: spray bottles for DIY household cleaners (i keep them all over the house). another hit-or-miss item; some of them are just fine, others leak right off the bat, argh!
:: playing cards -- 2-packs! these are pretty much one-time-use items for my kids; they cannot keep a deck whole to save their lives!
:: sunglasses -- i have even found fashionable ones that fit over my eyeglasses! and no big loss when they get scratched or broken. i'm done buying $20 sunglasses!
:: twine. i use it to repair woven/wicker baskets that i use for decorative storage all around the house. also good for kids play/projects when i don't feel like having them waste a $5 skein of my yarn!
:: paring knives. i have mostly had success with these. once i had one that fell apart after a few uses, but the new line of brightly colored ones with matching sheath have held up just fine so far.
:: some of the storage containers -- leftover food containers seem decent, the plastic, handled tubs and baskets are too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
things that are NOT worth buying at dollar tree:
:: scrub brushes -- they break easily and the bristles just suck.
:: can openers -- they just straight up don't work. better off with a $1.97 one from walmart!
:: kitchen towels (unless you like the tea towel size -- i don't; they are just glorified wash rags!)
:: microfiber cleaning cloths -- they fall apart after one wash! i'll stick to my walmart ones, 8/$5. much higher quality.
:: some of the storage containers -- the plastic baskets and woven/chipwood baskets are super flimsy -- they do not hold up to frequent use AT ALL. the sterilite knock-offs are pretty thin and break easily, plus the tops tend to not fit very well and you are liable to crack it trying to get it off!
thanks for reading -- this was fun! :)
good deals:
:: timers. i love timers and use them for everything. you can never have enough timers! my kids break things so this is the most affordable way to keep me in good supply.
:: baby board books
:: ziploc baggies
:: tiny trash can liners -- those super thin, scented ones on a roll that are the perfect size for a bathroom trash can.
:: emergency candles -- 6 pack! these sell out quickly. great when you use candles a lot, like at the dinner table or during story time.
:: kids watches. no special features (e.g. alarm), but they tell time! they also sell out quickly
:: seasonal decor (fake flowers, entry table decorations, etc.)
:: hair ties & clips -- since they get lost or broken so easily, i'm not paying 2-3x the price for the name brand ones!
:: funky nail polish and basic makeup -- i rarely wear makeup and the nail polish is just for kids' fun, so quality doesn't really matter. they get the job done. and they have a shade of lipstick that i LOVE, so it is affordable since kids tend to get into that and ruin it (and their easter dress...ahem) as well.
:: natural chap stick -- they have an all-natural beeswax chap stick that comes in 3-packs!
:: purse- or travel-size medications (ibuprofen, tylenol, gas-x, etc.)
:: pregnancy tests! same quality as in your doctor's office. (BUT, you can get a 20-pack for $5 on amazon, so that's definitely more worth it if you are TTC.)
:: liquid soap. this can be hit or miss as i once bought 3 bottles of the stuff that didn't even suds in our hard water.
:: bar soap. they carry the oatmeal/honey and the lavender bars i like so much. i recently started buying the 3-packs of dial natural (or something like that), and i cut them in half and use them as hand soaps -- my kids are huge soap-wasters so this cuts the cost down to about $0.17/"bar". this way, i only end up spending around $1/month on hand soap.
:: placemats
:: pot holders
:: butter dishes (flimsy, yes, but cheaply replaced when they break -- they always get broken no matter how much i pay for them!)
:: kitchen sponges & scouring sponges
:: bandaids & other basic first aid items
:: shoe laces (multipack of different lengths and colors)
:: some school/office supplies (pens, pencils, sharpeners, folders, dividers, sharpies, dry erase markers, scotch tape, workbooks for homeschooling)
:: mailing supplies (for mailing letters and shipping small things that i sell online)
:: magnetic dry erase boards (we have gone through a bunch of these since they are flimsy, but i use them to write my husband's to-do list on.)
:: wooden clothes pins -- i use them for all kinds of things, but most often as chip clips...the kids love to play with them so they get lost/broken a lot, so have to buy more every now and then.
:: kids clothes hangers. they are an affordable way to supply myself with plenty of hangers for the big semi-annual community consignment sale.
:: tiny bottles of goo gone. my kids tend to dump things out, so this is no big loss and i can keep them all around the house. my one complaint is that they don't have the squirty top.
:: duct tape -- small rolls, but since my kids are also tape-wasters, having a smaller roll around means less to waste! especially since a full roll is around $5.
:: spray bottles for DIY household cleaners (i keep them all over the house). another hit-or-miss item; some of them are just fine, others leak right off the bat, argh!
:: playing cards -- 2-packs! these are pretty much one-time-use items for my kids; they cannot keep a deck whole to save their lives!
:: sunglasses -- i have even found fashionable ones that fit over my eyeglasses! and no big loss when they get scratched or broken. i'm done buying $20 sunglasses!
:: twine. i use it to repair woven/wicker baskets that i use for decorative storage all around the house. also good for kids play/projects when i don't feel like having them waste a $5 skein of my yarn!
:: paring knives. i have mostly had success with these. once i had one that fell apart after a few uses, but the new line of brightly colored ones with matching sheath have held up just fine so far.
:: some of the storage containers -- leftover food containers seem decent, the plastic, handled tubs and baskets are too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
things that are NOT worth buying at dollar tree:
:: scrub brushes -- they break easily and the bristles just suck.
:: can openers -- they just straight up don't work. better off with a $1.97 one from walmart!
:: kitchen towels (unless you like the tea towel size -- i don't; they are just glorified wash rags!)
:: microfiber cleaning cloths -- they fall apart after one wash! i'll stick to my walmart ones, 8/$5. much higher quality.
:: some of the storage containers -- the plastic baskets and woven/chipwood baskets are super flimsy -- they do not hold up to frequent use AT ALL. the sterilite knock-offs are pretty thin and break easily, plus the tops tend to not fit very well and you are liable to crack it trying to get it off!
thanks for reading -- this was fun! :)
Thursday, March 15, 2012
30 Things in 30 Years
Today I am 30 years old. Holy shit! So, to commemorate this monumental occasion, I wanted to make a list (YESSSS!) of 30 cool things I've done in my 30 years. I will try my best to keep this succinct. ;) Alright, here goes (in attempted chronological order)...
1. I was born. I already knew how to nurse, cry, pee, and poop. I nursed for 18 months. I still cry, pee, and poop. :)
2. I learned to walk and talk. And run and jump and climb. And talk. And ride a bike, and roller skate. And talk.
3. I discovered my love of music and singing. I randomly burst into song, and have a song for just about every situation.
4. I learned to read, 'rite, and 'rithmatize (<--i a="" br="" made="" new="" up="" word="">
5. I became a ballerina, and a pianist. Today, I cherish my electric piano and its 88 weighted keys.
6. I learned to crochet. I have since crocheted afghans for 4 of my children (child #5 is getting a knitted one).
7. I learned to sew. I made doll clothes with my grandmother. I have dreams that someday, a good portion of my family's wardrobe (and other useful fabric items) will be handmade by me. We shall see...
8. I learned to knit. (I looooooove to knit. I make mostly wool diaper covers and toys. I wish I had more time/energy to knit, and I wish I could knit faster. That's a tall order because I'm already a fast knitter. Maybe I should revisit the time/energy issue...)
9. I lived in Switzerland for a year. I attended a local school and was immersed in the culture. I toured Europe on weekends and holidays.
10. I became fluent in Swiss German in a matter of months. Years later, in high school, I learned French.
11. I learned to snow ski...quite well. (I also learned to water ski.)
12. I became a kick-ass cook.
13. I got accepted into and participated in a rigorous high school program that burned me out on school for the rest of my friggin' life.
14. I took an IQ test. The result astounded me. It still does. And it annoys the hell out of me, too.
15. I discovered that I suffer from mental illness. I have accepted and embraced it, and learned to cope as best I can. That journey will never end.
16. I got involved with the wrong crowd. I got hurt. I got in trouble.
17. I conquered an addiction. I am currently working on conquering another one.
18. I survived abuse. I am still learning to live with it; to recover. It seems like an impossible task. Maybe it is.
19. I had a lot of boyfriends. A lot. Not the healthiest relationships.
20. I got married to a childhood sweetheart.
21. I birthed 5 people, the last of whom I birthed unassisted, in a dimly-lit, peaceful corner of my bedroom. It was the most incredible experience of my life.
22. I accepted my body after the birth of my 4th child.
23. I survived my husband's deployment to Iraq.
24. I started a blog. Personally, I think it's awesome. :)
25. I accepted my physical limitations due to scoliosis, and learned how to cope as best I can. This was after I learned that you can pull ribs out of their sockets in your spine. Yeah. Ouch.
26. I broke my ankle kicking the dog, and dropped a tree on my foot. (Totally different scenarios, years apart. Just stupid-ass things I did that resulted in painful physical injury.)
27. I dropped out of college in order to pursue my real dream: to be a stay-at-home mom.
28. I took on the responsibility of facilitating my children's education. I effing LOVE it.
29. I let my firstborn go. He lives with his dad now. It's bittersweet.
30. I successfully made it through the first year of my 5th child's life without feeding her a drop of formula. We are still happily nursing.
I went and wrote my whole life story (well, maybe not the WHOLE thing) -- in a LIST! What could be better?! I do so love lists.
Happy 30th Birthday to ME!
1. I was born. I already knew how to nurse, cry, pee, and poop. I nursed for 18 months. I still cry, pee, and poop. :)
2. I learned to walk and talk. And run and jump and climb. And talk. And ride a bike, and roller skate. And talk.
3. I discovered my love of music and singing. I randomly burst into song, and have a song for just about every situation.
4. I learned to read, 'rite, and 'rithmatize (<--i a="" br="" made="" new="" up="" word="">
5. I became a ballerina, and a pianist. Today, I cherish my electric piano and its 88 weighted keys.
6. I learned to crochet. I have since crocheted afghans for 4 of my children (child #5 is getting a knitted one).
7. I learned to sew. I made doll clothes with my grandmother. I have dreams that someday, a good portion of my family's wardrobe (and other useful fabric items) will be handmade by me. We shall see...
8. I learned to knit. (I looooooove to knit. I make mostly wool diaper covers and toys. I wish I had more time/energy to knit, and I wish I could knit faster. That's a tall order because I'm already a fast knitter. Maybe I should revisit the time/energy issue...)
9. I lived in Switzerland for a year. I attended a local school and was immersed in the culture. I toured Europe on weekends and holidays.
10. I became fluent in Swiss German in a matter of months. Years later, in high school, I learned French.
11. I learned to snow ski...quite well. (I also learned to water ski.)
12. I became a kick-ass cook.
13. I got accepted into and participated in a rigorous high school program that burned me out on school for the rest of my friggin' life.
14. I took an IQ test. The result astounded me. It still does. And it annoys the hell out of me, too.
15. I discovered that I suffer from mental illness. I have accepted and embraced it, and learned to cope as best I can. That journey will never end.
16. I got involved with the wrong crowd. I got hurt. I got in trouble.
17. I conquered an addiction. I am currently working on conquering another one.
18. I survived abuse. I am still learning to live with it; to recover. It seems like an impossible task. Maybe it is.
19. I had a lot of boyfriends. A lot. Not the healthiest relationships.
20. I got married to a childhood sweetheart.
21. I birthed 5 people, the last of whom I birthed unassisted, in a dimly-lit, peaceful corner of my bedroom. It was the most incredible experience of my life.
22. I accepted my body after the birth of my 4th child.
23. I survived my husband's deployment to Iraq.
24. I started a blog. Personally, I think it's awesome. :)
25. I accepted my physical limitations due to scoliosis, and learned how to cope as best I can. This was after I learned that you can pull ribs out of their sockets in your spine. Yeah. Ouch.
26. I broke my ankle kicking the dog, and dropped a tree on my foot. (Totally different scenarios, years apart. Just stupid-ass things I did that resulted in painful physical injury.)
27. I dropped out of college in order to pursue my real dream: to be a stay-at-home mom.
28. I took on the responsibility of facilitating my children's education. I effing LOVE it.
29. I let my firstborn go. He lives with his dad now. It's bittersweet.
30. I successfully made it through the first year of my 5th child's life without feeding her a drop of formula. We are still happily nursing.
I went and wrote my whole life story (well, maybe not the WHOLE thing) -- in a LIST! What could be better?! I do so love lists.
Happy 30th Birthday to ME!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Six Senses Saturday
Watching
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. Yup. I'm a Twilight fan. (Team Edward, in case you are wondering ;)). I devoured the books years ago (much to my housework's chagrin, heehee) and LOVED them. I have never been into vampire anything, so this is it for me! So of course I have to keep up with (and own) all of the corresponding movies! :) I went to see this one in the theater on Thanksgiving day with a gal pal (and NO ONE ELSE - WOOT!) and then just purchased it at my localPortal To Hell Walmart last week. LURVE.
Hearing
My whiny baby cry a lot. She's always been a crotchety old man trapped in a fat baby girl, but now she's getting over a cold AND cutting 2 canines. I am so over hearing her cry. I have been tending to her needs her whole life, and I wholeheartedly ascribe to attachment parenting philosophy, but there comes a point when...well, let's just say I have (not-so-)jokingly referred to her as "The Baby Who Cried Wolf" (if that makes any sense) on more than one occasion recently. She is just so. damn. fussy. Wears me out.
Feeling
Yarn. And fabric. I have been crafting. It's part of my... "therapy". It's what I have been doing during my alone time.
As for sewing, I have been making soakers and longies out of old wool sweaters, and then my most recent endeavor has been upcycling some of my late grandmother's wool skirts into double-layer wrap-style diaper covers. I have a favorite fleece wrap that I have been trying to copy and I think I've just about got it down, 3 prototypes in. I plan to do up a tutorial for this here blog when I am confident that it is worth sharing. :)
As for knitting, I am currently working on 2 soakers. (I am obsessed. My baby really doesn't need as many as she has, but I am refreshing her stash, so there!) Then tonight I cast on the Pebble, something I have seen many times over at SouleMama, but wasn't sure how I felt about it until I saw it made in pink for a baby girl (lurve!). AND, I didn't realize until today that 1) the pattern is free (score!), and 2) REALLY simple (double score!). So tonight, as I watched TBDP1 (think about it...got it?), I cast on a Pebble for Brigit, in lavender cotton, to be worn alone as a tank top this coming summer (this is Florida, you know. It's often pointless to knit warm woolies...). Pics to come when it is finished, I assure you! :)
Smelling
Not much of anything. We are having major pollen around here, and it turns out I'm allergic to pine! I mean, I've had allergies for-like-ever, but this is the first year that I've paid attention to WHAT pollen was actually in the air when I'm having symptoms, and that's only because I noticed that I wasn't having symptoms back during the last pollen season, which was in the fall. That was cedar. Not allergic. Pine? CHECK - VERY ALLERGIC. So I've had this cold - or is it hay fever? Who knows...whatever it is (probably both, because hay fever isn't contagious and we've all been sick...but I supposed it is possible that we all have the same allergies!), there has been lots of sneezing and snot, hoarseness and a slight dry, itchy, scratchy cough. I actually lost my voice the other day. I was talking in this silly high-pitched "voice", which was so weird because I have a rather robust voice for a woman (I sing alto, if that says anything). Using Sinupret and garlic oil pills to try and kick this sucker to the curb.
Tasting
My snack of choice lately has been popcorn (the horrible, chemical drenched microwave kind, of which my husband purchased 4 boxes, because they were BOGO and he thought he was doing a good thing, bless him). It's hidden from the children in the coat closet because they are not allowed to eat such junk (I'm such a hypocrite), so I've been sneaking it after they go to bed.
I also found a very old box (yes, box) of Twizzlers, another vice of mine (that's like, all HFCS and red dye - ACK!), in my craft room...I've indulged in a few of those here and there recently...bad crunchy mama!
I need to get back on the wagon of healthy snacks (which I do love!)...I love apples and peanut butter, and I actually got to eat that the other night! It's rare that I get to eat apples. My children consume them like water. I would venture to guess that we go through 10-15 POUNDS of apples a week. And considering that apples are #1 on the Dirty Dozen list so I buy the organic ones, that's a lotta money spent on apples!! But I swear, every time I want to eat apples and peanut butter, we are fresh out of apples, dammit. :/
I bought 10 avocados that were BOGO a week or so ago, and of course they all ripened at once and by the time I realized it, they were overripe and mealy and gross. Not even worth making guac or anything...and I don't even really like guac anymore since I've eaten so many avocados straight (yummm). Guac tastes weird to me now!
Intuiting
[This may not really fall under "intuiting", but it didn't really seem to belong under "feeling" as a sense, either] As several of my recent posts have shown, my feelings have been all over the place, but generally leaning toward the SHIT-TAY end of that spectrum. I've been "ill" since I hit puberty, so I know by now what "symptoms" to watch for and how to treat them. (I put all these illness-related terms in quotes bc being mentally ill is not commonly equated with being "sick", although that is what it is - a chronic illness!...so I use the terms as a kind of hybrid analogy, if you will.) Anyhoo, it sucks that I often have to get close to rock-bottom before I realize things are that bad, but I do know what needs to be done to pull me out. It just takes time. It's a slow, painful process, and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I will at least get to a point when I will not HATE so many things anymore. I'm just working on it, and waiting for that day.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. Yup. I'm a Twilight fan. (Team Edward, in case you are wondering ;)). I devoured the books years ago (much to my housework's chagrin, heehee) and LOVED them. I have never been into vampire anything, so this is it for me! So of course I have to keep up with (and own) all of the corresponding movies! :) I went to see this one in the theater on Thanksgiving day with a gal pal (and NO ONE ELSE - WOOT!) and then just purchased it at my local
Hearing
My whiny baby cry a lot. She's always been a crotchety old man trapped in a fat baby girl, but now she's getting over a cold AND cutting 2 canines. I am so over hearing her cry. I have been tending to her needs her whole life, and I wholeheartedly ascribe to attachment parenting philosophy, but there comes a point when...well, let's just say I have (not-so-)jokingly referred to her as "The Baby Who Cried Wolf" (if that makes any sense) on more than one occasion recently. She is just so. damn. fussy. Wears me out.
Feeling
Yarn. And fabric. I have been crafting. It's part of my... "therapy". It's what I have been doing during my alone time.
As for sewing, I have been making soakers and longies out of old wool sweaters, and then my most recent endeavor has been upcycling some of my late grandmother's wool skirts into double-layer wrap-style diaper covers. I have a favorite fleece wrap that I have been trying to copy and I think I've just about got it down, 3 prototypes in. I plan to do up a tutorial for this here blog when I am confident that it is worth sharing. :)
As for knitting, I am currently working on 2 soakers. (I am obsessed. My baby really doesn't need as many as she has, but I am refreshing her stash, so there!) Then tonight I cast on the Pebble, something I have seen many times over at SouleMama, but wasn't sure how I felt about it until I saw it made in pink for a baby girl (lurve!). AND, I didn't realize until today that 1) the pattern is free (score!), and 2) REALLY simple (double score!). So tonight, as I watched TBDP1 (think about it...got it?), I cast on a Pebble for Brigit, in lavender cotton, to be worn alone as a tank top this coming summer (this is Florida, you know. It's often pointless to knit warm woolies...). Pics to come when it is finished, I assure you! :)
Smelling
Not much of anything. We are having major pollen around here, and it turns out I'm allergic to pine! I mean, I've had allergies for-like-ever, but this is the first year that I've paid attention to WHAT pollen was actually in the air when I'm having symptoms, and that's only because I noticed that I wasn't having symptoms back during the last pollen season, which was in the fall. That was cedar. Not allergic. Pine? CHECK - VERY ALLERGIC. So I've had this cold - or is it hay fever? Who knows...whatever it is (probably both, because hay fever isn't contagious and we've all been sick...but I supposed it is possible that we all have the same allergies!), there has been lots of sneezing and snot, hoarseness and a slight dry, itchy, scratchy cough. I actually lost my voice the other day. I was talking in this silly high-pitched "voice", which was so weird because I have a rather robust voice for a woman (I sing alto, if that says anything). Using Sinupret and garlic oil pills to try and kick this sucker to the curb.
Tasting
My snack of choice lately has been popcorn (the horrible, chemical drenched microwave kind, of which my husband purchased 4 boxes, because they were BOGO and he thought he was doing a good thing, bless him). It's hidden from the children in the coat closet because they are not allowed to eat such junk (I'm such a hypocrite), so I've been sneaking it after they go to bed.
I also found a very old box (yes, box) of Twizzlers, another vice of mine (that's like, all HFCS and red dye - ACK!), in my craft room...I've indulged in a few of those here and there recently...bad crunchy mama!
I need to get back on the wagon of healthy snacks (which I do love!)...I love apples and peanut butter, and I actually got to eat that the other night! It's rare that I get to eat apples. My children consume them like water. I would venture to guess that we go through 10-15 POUNDS of apples a week. And considering that apples are #1 on the Dirty Dozen list so I buy the organic ones, that's a lotta money spent on apples!! But I swear, every time I want to eat apples and peanut butter, we are fresh out of apples, dammit. :/
I bought 10 avocados that were BOGO a week or so ago, and of course they all ripened at once and by the time I realized it, they were overripe and mealy and gross. Not even worth making guac or anything...and I don't even really like guac anymore since I've eaten so many avocados straight (yummm). Guac tastes weird to me now!
Intuiting
[This may not really fall under "intuiting", but it didn't really seem to belong under "feeling" as a sense, either] As several of my recent posts have shown, my feelings have been all over the place, but generally leaning toward the SHIT-TAY end of that spectrum. I've been "ill" since I hit puberty, so I know by now what "symptoms" to watch for and how to treat them. (I put all these illness-related terms in quotes bc being mentally ill is not commonly equated with being "sick", although that is what it is - a chronic illness!...so I use the terms as a kind of hybrid analogy, if you will.) Anyhoo, it sucks that I often have to get close to rock-bottom before I realize things are that bad, but I do know what needs to be done to pull me out. It just takes time. It's a slow, painful process, and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I will at least get to a point when I will not HATE so many things anymore. I'm just working on it, and waiting for that day.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
"Why didn't I do this sooner?"
so. lots of changes since i quit smoking. more time in the thick of things, less time hiding out on the porch, sitting in my tattered old la-z-boy, computer in lap. a LOT less time on facebook...
i didn't want to quit. i HAD to for money reasons. i still have some anger about this.
i ceased contact with the QuitLine people when, in one of the followup phone calls, i admitted that i'd "slipped" twice, and they changed my quit date to the last slip date. fuck that shit. i've put myself through hell to quit my pack-a-day habit. if i have a cig every now and then bc i've had a shitty shitty day or i'm out celebrating and drinking, then that does NOT count. that does NOT mean i am a smoker again. i don't care what they think, or what you think as to whether that counts. i'm no longer a pack-a-day smoker. THAT'S what counts.
so i have smoked 4 cigs in the past 48 days. normally, i would have smoked close to 1,000 cigs. !!! so suck on that, QuitLine. i guess i should give them some feedback about that, since re-setting my quit date is extremely discouraging and guilt-inducing.
i like that i no longer stink, that i am no longer spending ~$100/month on smokes, that i don't have to be ashamed or try to hide it. i like that my family is proud of me. i am proud of myself. i like that when my kids get sick with a cough, i no longer have to wonder if exposure to 2nd hand smoke is causing/aggravating it.
i love that i am more connected to my kids, that i am spending less time hiding out on the porch in my computer. granted, now i am at the dining room table, but still on the computer a lot bc that's where EVERYTHING I DO is. i mean, we get out of the house almost every day, but everything is tied to something online. this is my WORK. when i say work, i meant the stuff i do that makes me feel like a productive member of society. and i do it all for free. anyway...i am more present for my children, and being at the dining room table enables me to be there to answer questions and converse with them as they work on their art/craft projects and do their school work.
my view one day from my new perch (and playing with my new phone's cool camera options):
i DON'T like that i no longer have that immediate calming device. i have been an emotional wreck since i quit. crying, yelling, being numb. my bipolar disorder is so obvious right now. combination of hubs being gone too much (school and work) and me therefore not getting enough breaks from the kids (and it has ONCE AGAIN been suggested to me that maybe i should think about putting the kids in school...uh, no, the ones who are the most high maintenance that i need breaks from are too young for school!!! AND, i would regret it, i promise you. school goes against my personal educational philosophy). so all that, plus the fact that i have essentially removed a mood stabilizer from my cocktail, and the fact that i have anger and resentment over the fact that i HAD to quit at all.
anger and resentment toward those who wanted me to quit so badly, the fact that it is a shameful, stinky, unhealthy addiction, the social stigma, etc. i LIKED having that crutch, i feel like i was forced into quitting. i kind of was.
i did back down on the wellbutrin again bc it was contributing to my extreme moodiness and irritability (constant hypomania + constant anger triggers! bad combo!), AND i laid down the law about needing major breaks so i can reclaim some identity, and both of those changes have helped a lot.
and every time i talk or write about it for any lengthy period of time, i want to smoke. hubs gave me one the other day when i was practically catatonic with apathy after pretty much hitting rock-bottom in the burnout department, but i set it on the wooden shelf in the kitchen and haven't smoked it yet. i might. i might not. 5 days of seeing it right there and i haven't smoked it. i really want to right now. so i'm going to end this entry and go refill my coffee, so that i can get my mind off of it and allow the craving to pass.
i didn't want to quit. i HAD to for money reasons. i still have some anger about this.
i ceased contact with the QuitLine people when, in one of the followup phone calls, i admitted that i'd "slipped" twice, and they changed my quit date to the last slip date. fuck that shit. i've put myself through hell to quit my pack-a-day habit. if i have a cig every now and then bc i've had a shitty shitty day or i'm out celebrating and drinking, then that does NOT count. that does NOT mean i am a smoker again. i don't care what they think, or what you think as to whether that counts. i'm no longer a pack-a-day smoker. THAT'S what counts.
so i have smoked 4 cigs in the past 48 days. normally, i would have smoked close to 1,000 cigs. !!! so suck on that, QuitLine. i guess i should give them some feedback about that, since re-setting my quit date is extremely discouraging and guilt-inducing.
i like that i no longer stink, that i am no longer spending ~$100/month on smokes, that i don't have to be ashamed or try to hide it. i like that my family is proud of me. i am proud of myself. i like that when my kids get sick with a cough, i no longer have to wonder if exposure to 2nd hand smoke is causing/aggravating it.
i love that i am more connected to my kids, that i am spending less time hiding out on the porch in my computer. granted, now i am at the dining room table, but still on the computer a lot bc that's where EVERYTHING I DO is. i mean, we get out of the house almost every day, but everything is tied to something online. this is my WORK. when i say work, i meant the stuff i do that makes me feel like a productive member of society. and i do it all for free. anyway...i am more present for my children, and being at the dining room table enables me to be there to answer questions and converse with them as they work on their art/craft projects and do their school work.
my view one day from my new perch (and playing with my new phone's cool camera options):
i DON'T like that i no longer have that immediate calming device. i have been an emotional wreck since i quit. crying, yelling, being numb. my bipolar disorder is so obvious right now. combination of hubs being gone too much (school and work) and me therefore not getting enough breaks from the kids (and it has ONCE AGAIN been suggested to me that maybe i should think about putting the kids in school...uh, no, the ones who are the most high maintenance that i need breaks from are too young for school!!! AND, i would regret it, i promise you. school goes against my personal educational philosophy). so all that, plus the fact that i have essentially removed a mood stabilizer from my cocktail, and the fact that i have anger and resentment over the fact that i HAD to quit at all.
anger and resentment toward those who wanted me to quit so badly, the fact that it is a shameful, stinky, unhealthy addiction, the social stigma, etc. i LIKED having that crutch, i feel like i was forced into quitting. i kind of was.
i did back down on the wellbutrin again bc it was contributing to my extreme moodiness and irritability (constant hypomania + constant anger triggers! bad combo!), AND i laid down the law about needing major breaks so i can reclaim some identity, and both of those changes have helped a lot.
and every time i talk or write about it for any lengthy period of time, i want to smoke. hubs gave me one the other day when i was practically catatonic with apathy after pretty much hitting rock-bottom in the burnout department, but i set it on the wooden shelf in the kitchen and haven't smoked it yet. i might. i might not. 5 days of seeing it right there and i haven't smoked it. i really want to right now. so i'm going to end this entry and go refill my coffee, so that i can get my mind off of it and allow the craving to pass.
Monday, February 13, 2012
am i having a nervous breakdown?
i am so fuckin fucked up right now~ i don't know whether to call it depression or just the irritability of smoking withdrawal or the resentment surrounding quitting or if i need to back down on the wellbutrin or if i'm just plain sleep-deprived and break-deprived. i can't function. i guess it's depression. i'm totally burned out. i hate my house, i hate my life, i hate my children. (what a horrible thing for a mother to say!) i don't want to have to take care of anyone or anything. i guess that's the mindset of a spoiled child because i don't want to have to work or do any chores or have any commitments or obligations. but this isn't a snobbery thing. i am just so sick in my soul right now that i can't.function.
i want to be able to read, write, knit, sew, watch tv, eat, SLEEP, even clean/organize/purge --- all of this WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. i need a fucking vacation, is what i need.
B Y M Y S E L F. but i worry that i might not come back. and i'm so depressed that i have little interest in doing any of those things anyway. i WANT to knit, sew, write, watch tv, sleep, but strangely...i just...don't want to. no energy. no motivation. i'm even having to remind myself to eat.
or i need a staycation and everyoneelsegocation. i'll be getting a half-assed one of those this weekend when drew takes at least 2 kids to paintball (even though that leaves me with the two most high-maintenance of the children, sooooooo... not much of a break!), but how is that going to get me through the next 5 days??? even tonight i will send drew to his parents' house for dinner...and he doesn't know it yet but he'll be taking all the kids with him. and i will stay home and do whatever the fuck i want.
i'm so burnt out that i am going to need frequent, long breaks to recuperate from this wreck that i am these days. it's to the point that i need major breaks, like, all the time. i am in this so deep i don't know how long it's going to be before i don't need "intensive break therapy" (ha.) anymore. even having "just the baby" isn't cutting it anymore. i need more breaks from her, too. i feel consumed by her, by her needs, to which i am a slave. i just need.more.breaks. having a REALLY hard time adhering to the oxygen mask theory. i'm trying, but they are getting in the way, so i'm getting angry at them for preventing me from taking care of myself. like i'm to the point where i am seriously considering starting smoking again, just in case that's why i'm in such a funk. but the guilt about "failing" quitting would just make things worse, as well as throw me right back into the shameful social stigma. more guilt and shame? no thanks.
i went shopping for 9 hours on saturday. drew took the older kids to church yesterday and let me and the baby sleep in (not that it made a dent in the sleep deprivation since i have been up until 3, 4, 5am every night for perhaps over a week now for various reasons - AND i missed church, which means i missed my weekly spiritual recharge). i went to choir practice last thursday and then went for coffee with a friend after. gone for 4 hours. i'm getting a few hours alone this evening. i'm getting a few hours alone this coming thursday from grandma and then choir practice again thursday night. then this weekend with the paintball tournament (but that will still leave me with theyounger two, or at LEAST the baby).
i hope this all will help because right now the only thing i can think of that will really help would be running away. just packing up and leaving all of this. not that i would get far. i have no money of my own. and my littles are quite attached to me. and i am to them. although the way my mind has been lately i can feel the threads of attachment thinning, breaking...and not in a healthy, natural way. i feel pulled between the primal mother in me and the crazy, insecure, depressed, confused, lost, exhausted woman in which that primal mother resides.
i just want to hide.
i want to be able to read, write, knit, sew, watch tv, eat, SLEEP, even clean/organize/purge --- all of this WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. i need a fucking vacation, is what i need.
B Y M Y S E L F. but i worry that i might not come back. and i'm so depressed that i have little interest in doing any of those things anyway. i WANT to knit, sew, write, watch tv, sleep, but strangely...i just...don't want to. no energy. no motivation. i'm even having to remind myself to eat.
or i need a staycation and everyoneelsegocation. i'll be getting a half-assed one of those this weekend when drew takes at least 2 kids to paintball (even though that leaves me with the two most high-maintenance of the children, sooooooo... not much of a break!), but how is that going to get me through the next 5 days??? even tonight i will send drew to his parents' house for dinner...and he doesn't know it yet but he'll be taking all the kids with him. and i will stay home and do whatever the fuck i want.
i'm so burnt out that i am going to need frequent, long breaks to recuperate from this wreck that i am these days. it's to the point that i need major breaks, like, all the time. i am in this so deep i don't know how long it's going to be before i don't need "intensive break therapy" (ha.) anymore. even having "just the baby" isn't cutting it anymore. i need more breaks from her, too. i feel consumed by her, by her needs, to which i am a slave. i just need.more.breaks. having a REALLY hard time adhering to the oxygen mask theory. i'm trying, but they are getting in the way, so i'm getting angry at them for preventing me from taking care of myself. like i'm to the point where i am seriously considering starting smoking again, just in case that's why i'm in such a funk. but the guilt about "failing" quitting would just make things worse, as well as throw me right back into the shameful social stigma. more guilt and shame? no thanks.
i went shopping for 9 hours on saturday. drew took the older kids to church yesterday and let me and the baby sleep in (not that it made a dent in the sleep deprivation since i have been up until 3, 4, 5am every night for perhaps over a week now for various reasons - AND i missed church, which means i missed my weekly spiritual recharge). i went to choir practice last thursday and then went for coffee with a friend after. gone for 4 hours. i'm getting a few hours alone this evening. i'm getting a few hours alone this coming thursday from grandma and then choir practice again thursday night. then this weekend with the paintball tournament (but that will still leave me with theyounger two, or at LEAST the baby).
i hope this all will help because right now the only thing i can think of that will really help would be running away. just packing up and leaving all of this. not that i would get far. i have no money of my own. and my littles are quite attached to me. and i am to them. although the way my mind has been lately i can feel the threads of attachment thinning, breaking...and not in a healthy, natural way. i feel pulled between the primal mother in me and the crazy, insecure, depressed, confused, lost, exhausted woman in which that primal mother resides.
i just want to hide.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
The Great Cloth Diaper Change 2012
So, I have decided that I don't already have enough on my plate (HA!) and volunteered to host our city's chapter of The Great Cloth Diaper Change 2012, which is an attempt to break the world record for the most cloth diapers changed at one time. It is a great way to show the world how many people are already choosing and using reusable cloth diapers successfully.
The event is still 10 weeks away (happening on 4/21/12), but I'm so excited! My co-host and I have grand plans for our little town (well, not so little -- population 120K and a very progressive, crunchy-friendly place!) . There is actually very little required to carry out the event, but we are going above and beyond. We have cute bumper stickers to sell, awesome items to raffle off and goodie bags for the participants that are going to be THE SHIT. We have contacted a TON of companies/manufacturers of various cloth-diaper-related and/or "crunchy" items, many of whom are sending us samples, coupons, or even full size products or gift baskets for our raffle!
Here are the (3"x5") bumper stickers we are selling.
And a T-shirt for the raffle (size 2T)
(I ordered all of the above from cafepress.)
After we recoup our expenses, all proceeds will go to the Real Diaper Association, a non-profit organization that provides support and education to parents all across North America for the use of simple, reusable cloth diapers.
More on this as it unfolds! :)
The event is still 10 weeks away (happening on 4/21/12), but I'm so excited! My co-host and I have grand plans for our little town (well, not so little -- population 120K and a very progressive, crunchy-friendly place!) . There is actually very little required to carry out the event, but we are going above and beyond. We have cute bumper stickers to sell, awesome items to raffle off and goodie bags for the participants that are going to be THE SHIT. We have contacted a TON of companies/manufacturers of various cloth-diaper-related and/or "crunchy" items, many of whom are sending us samples, coupons, or even full size products or gift baskets for our raffle!
Here are the (3"x5") bumper stickers we are selling.
And a T-shirt for the raffle (size 2T)
(I ordered all of the above from cafepress.)
After we recoup our expenses, all proceeds will go to the Real Diaper Association, a non-profit organization that provides support and education to parents all across North America for the use of simple, reusable cloth diapers.
More on this as it unfolds! :)
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