Here I sit in the rocking chair, in the rec room, semi-watching my children play in the enormous water slide/pool that I dropped $500 on at the beginning of the summer (so, May?). It is over 100'F out, taking heat index into account. They cannot see me, as the sliding doors are closed and the rec room is dark(-ish); and I cannot hear them, other than loud screams, hoots, and hollers...most of which are happy. If they are choosing to use potty words, I don't care, because I can't hear it. I know children like to play with naughty words --we all did it, right? But I at least knew better than to use them in front of adults. I am trying to have my children follow that same protocol.
This is about as close to supervising this activity as I am comfortable with. I am available to them if there is an injury, or a conflict/assault that needs attention. I have already pulled Robby out for a 5 min time-out after witnessing him yank back on his sister's hair and then shove her down, face-first, into the water. Daddy forgot to give Robby his morning meds -- the one that helps with his ADHD symptoms (impulsivity and hyperactivity) -- but it's actually hypomania. I gave it to him when we got home, but it hasn't kicked in yet. There's something to be said about a chemical imbalance, and whether to blame the person or the lack of meds for any given indiscretion. I went easy on him, even though I wanted to break his friggin arms, because I know that kind of action would probably not have occurred if he'd had his meds this morning.
I experience the same things myself when I forget my Klonopin. It is a wonderful addition to my med cocktail, but I sure wish it came in extended release form. I usually remember my morning dose, which is taken with whatever caffeinated beverage I choose for the day. Usually. The afternoon dose is harder to remember. It needs to come 4 hours after the morning dose, so the time is a little different every day. I am most often reminded to take it when I start to feel very angered and agitated by my children. The kind where I start to shake and grit my teeth and want to cause physical harm to anyone who irritates me. No fun. I am infinitely more patient with my Klonopin on board.
And then another tricky thing is that i never know when my 2nd dose is doing to wear off until i take it. Today, for example, it will wear off around 6pm. That's 2 hours before kiddie bedtime. I fear I will have to take a 3rd dose in order to make it through with us all in one piece. I take a very small dose each time (0.5mg), but it's still a category D for pregnancy. It's like the anxiety over taking it while pregnant just fuels my need to take it even more!! Can't win.
I envy the mamas I know that truly seem to enjoy their motherhood -- their lives, really. I have not been enjoying life recently. I would love a vacation all alone, but would fear what kind of mess I would face upon return. I'm stuck like that. A prisoner in my own life, in my own home, and by my own choice, no less! I am trying desperately to take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one MINUTE at a time. I recognize my need (and my kids' need) for more social interaction and mroe variety in general in our daily lives, and it's been difficult, being summer time. People are out of town, and we are having heatwaves that keep me fearfully holed up in the house. Even one hour outside is enough to put me down for the rest of the day, and how is that helpful with 4 little ones to care for? What good am I if I am a comatose vegetable laid out on the couch or in my bed, not supervising OR doing anything productive. My children have literally eaten bread and water for dinner. Or apples and saltines (and water), as was the case the other day. And it's not because the cupboard is bare -- it's because I am unable to do my job. Last time a pregnancy was along this same time-line, season-wise, was 9 years ago, and I didn't have anything but a full-time desk job to attend to. No children to take care of. This time I have 4 little ones, and a mental illness that has evolved significantly over the 9 years since. Pretty sure my heat intolerance has evolved, too. I do have more body fat now, and global warming has come a long way in 9 years, I'm sure.
So, it's been hard, especially these past 2-3 weeks. Things had fallen stagnant, on more than one level, but 3 main ones that stick out: I haven't been to therapy in over a month, my cleaning helper moved away and I have not replaced her, and we haven't been going on as many social outings as before. Forget having people over -- after losing my cleaning helper, the house went to shit and my spoiled brat children are responsible for most of that. I have baskets and baskets of unfolded clean(?) laundry. Hubby and I have been working very hard on the rec room and living room, and it's finally to a point where I feel okay to have "casual" company over again. This week has been busy, and that's a good thing. I need to remember that. I was down so low the past few weeks, it was hard to imagine a light being at the end of that tunnel...
No comments:
Post a Comment