homebody

i think i'm becoming agoraphobic. or i always have been but have just had to deal with it for the sake of everyone else. i like being at home. i don't get cabin fever. lately i mostly only leave for errands or babysitting jobs. i haven't been going to church, and i don't miss it. i like having friends over, but i generally don't want to go anywhere. it's like this one vehicle thing (going on 5 months now) + 4 out of 5 kids in school (almost 4 months) is allowing the agoraphobic in me to blossom, so to speak. i've always had social anxiety (with strangers -- hate small talk) and claustrophobia, fear of heights...all symptoms. i'm not *afraid* to leave my house, i just don't want to, and will avoid it whenever possible. i am thankful that i have the one-car thing as an excuse. or maybe i *am* afraid. i don't know. i have always "joked" that if i wasn't married with children, i would be a hermit in the mountains somewhere, like the grandfather in Heidi. this is weird. maybe this is just some strange manifestation of depression. or maybe i am still recovering from 5 years of homeschooling with 4+ spirited children with me 24/7. or maybe i'm feeling apathetic about my marriage/life bc i'm thinking too deeply about the past. maybe all of it. maybe i have just given up on some things bc the current (very multifaceted) situation has ripped so many things out of my hands, so in order to survive i have had to just surrender and not care anymore.