Here I sit in the rocking chair, in the rec room, semi-watching my children play in the enormous water slide/pool that I dropped $500 on at the beginning of the summer (so, May?). It is over 100'F out, taking heat index into account. They cannot see me, as the sliding doors are closed and the rec room is dark(-ish); and I cannot hear them, other than loud screams, hoots, and hollers...most of which are happy. If they are choosing to use potty words, I don't care, because I can't hear it. I know children like to play with naughty words --we all did it, right? But I at least knew better than to use them in front of adults. I am trying to have my children follow that same protocol.
This is about as close to supervising this activity as I am comfortable with. I am available to them if there is an injury, or a conflict/assault that needs attention. I have already pulled Robby out for a 5 min time-out after witnessing him yank back on his sister's hair and then shove her down, face-first, into the water. Daddy forgot to give Robby his morning meds -- the one that helps with his ADHD symptoms (impulsivity and hyperactivity) -- but it's actually hypomania. I gave it to him when we got home, but it hasn't kicked in yet. There's something to be said about a chemical imbalance, and whether to blame the person or the lack of meds for any given indiscretion. I went easy on him, even though I wanted to break his friggin arms, because I know that kind of action would probably not have occurred if he'd had his meds this morning.
I experience the same things myself when I forget my Klonopin. It is a wonderful addition to my med cocktail, but I sure wish it came in extended release form. I usually remember my morning dose, which is taken with whatever caffeinated beverage I choose for the day. Usually. The afternoon dose is harder to remember. It needs to come 4 hours after the morning dose, so the time is a little different every day. I am most often reminded to take it when I start to feel very angered and agitated by my children. The kind where I start to shake and grit my teeth and want to cause physical harm to anyone who irritates me. No fun. I am infinitely more patient with my Klonopin on board.
And then another tricky thing is that i never know when my 2nd dose is doing to wear off until i take it. Today, for example, it will wear off around 6pm. That's 2 hours before kiddie bedtime. I fear I will have to take a 3rd dose in order to make it through with us all in one piece. I take a very small dose each time (0.5mg), but it's still a category D for pregnancy. It's like the anxiety over taking it while pregnant just fuels my need to take it even more!! Can't win.
I envy the mamas I know that truly seem to enjoy their motherhood -- their lives, really. I have not been enjoying life recently. I would love a vacation all alone, but would fear what kind of mess I would face upon return. I'm stuck like that. A prisoner in my own life, in my own home, and by my own choice, no less! I am trying desperately to take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one MINUTE at a time. I recognize my need (and my kids' need) for more social interaction and mroe variety in general in our daily lives, and it's been difficult, being summer time. People are out of town, and we are having heatwaves that keep me fearfully holed up in the house. Even one hour outside is enough to put me down for the rest of the day, and how is that helpful with 4 little ones to care for? What good am I if I am a comatose vegetable laid out on the couch or in my bed, not supervising OR doing anything productive. My children have literally eaten bread and water for dinner. Or apples and saltines (and water), as was the case the other day. And it's not because the cupboard is bare -- it's because I am unable to do my job. Last time a pregnancy was along this same time-line, season-wise, was 9 years ago, and I didn't have anything but a full-time desk job to attend to. No children to take care of. This time I have 4 little ones, and a mental illness that has evolved significantly over the 9 years since. Pretty sure my heat intolerance has evolved, too. I do have more body fat now, and global warming has come a long way in 9 years, I'm sure.
So, it's been hard, especially these past 2-3 weeks. Things had fallen stagnant, on more than one level, but 3 main ones that stick out: I haven't been to therapy in over a month, my cleaning helper moved away and I have not replaced her, and we haven't been going on as many social outings as before. Forget having people over -- after losing my cleaning helper, the house went to shit and my spoiled brat children are responsible for most of that. I have baskets and baskets of unfolded clean(?) laundry. Hubby and I have been working very hard on the rec room and living room, and it's finally to a point where I feel okay to have "casual" company over again. This week has been busy, and that's a good thing. I need to remember that. I was down so low the past few weeks, it was hard to imagine a light being at the end of that tunnel...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
uncooperative children vs. hormonal preggo mama
copied from a FB comment:
MAMAS (and papas) AND TEACHERS: please give me some examples of EMPATHY that 5 year olds can understand (or 4 year olds, as Kieran's cognitive/social development dictates). our first venture as a one-room schoolhouse will be virtues training, and lesson 1 is empathy. my book seems geared more toward older children, so HELP ME PLEASE. TIA
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i'm not trying to "teach" it, per se, i know it can't be taught, and i know they all have it (or are on their way to it). what i want to do is draw attention to it and encourage them to think about it consciously. i suppose you could say that this "virtue training" is more of a glorified vocabulary lesson
the thing that spurred me wanting to start this ASAP (i've had the book for months and have been putting it off due to the older-child aim of it) is when my hormonal preggo self went off and sobbed/screamed to them the other day about how sometimes their actions/words/decisions hurt other people, and that they should think about how it effects others -- like the messes they make and then don't want to help clean up, and using their bodies instead of their words when they are angry. i have been an emotional mess lately, and being alone with all of them for 50 hrs a week is starting to break me down... and that wasn't the first time i have cried in front of them because their behavior pushed me over an emotional cliff.
incidentally, when i told robby's therapist about this, she cut me off in the middle of an earnest explanation and said, very firmly, "now THAT'S gotta stop." my jaw dropped -- it made me feel like a naughty child myself. i don't like her very much. glad she's resigning
. i don't think there's anything wrong with telling my children that their actions are hurting me - or others - and apparently the easiest time for me to explain these things is when they've driven me to tears.
there has been disobedience left and right, downright ignorance of my requests and rules -- and i reserve the word "rule" for essential, safety-related things whose reasons i explain thoroughly to them... like if you're playing with neighbors, you must stay where you can see the house and you can hear me holler for you at dinnertime, etc....you MUST wear shoes and helmet to ride your bike...sticks and toy weapons stay outside, keep the kitchen door closed so connor won't go dump my purse again or make a mess of the pantry or open (a childproof top!) and eat an entire bottle of omega-3 gummy fish 
...or worse 
[by the way, i have one kitchen entry blocked with a self-closing/self-latching walk thru gate (thanks sarah r!), and i have since ordered another one for where the door is]... blah, blah.
so, there really aren't that many "rules", but several expectations that, even after being lowered, are not being met -- e.g. when you wake up at the crack of dawn, be courteous and play quietly, get some breakfast, watch PBS quietly, etc.
...oh! and the constant "it's not fair!" and i keep correcting them with "no, what's not fair is that *i* end up cleaning up messes i didn't make because no one will help!" or "no, what's not fair is that i bought a special treat for dessert and i didn't get a single bit because you all snuck it and ate it ALL for breakfast before i woke up!" ridiculous. there i go again with the vocabulary lesson; trying to teach the correct usage of "it's not fair"...
this would be yet another opportunity for my mother to inform me that i have too many children.
like that helps. thanks for the support, mom, love ya! 
the weird thing is that robby's behavior has been much better lately than it has been for...ever? at least the past few years. he's starting to act a little more mature, responsible, and obedient. only about half the time, of course.
kieran is another problem, though. his autistic brain cannot wrap around the majority of the things that i'm trying to get through to them all. his stereotypical "parroting" is starting to seriously annoy me. he repeats things that don't apply, and insists upon them, even as i try to explain things on his level, to the point where i (in order to avoid stimulating a meltdown) just throw up my hands, say "whatever, nevermind" and walk away to someone else who actually understands me.
i feel like i have NO PATIENCE or energy for the gentle, patient get-them-to-help methods -- i can't even think of any that would work at this point. it turns into begging or threatening (to throw their things away) or yelling (which usually turns to tears on my part, as of late) ... i'm at the end of my rope here...
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"I know this isn't "virtue training" , but the rule in our house (not ALWAYS applied, but when needed) is, if I put it away, I'm putting it up. That means, what ever is in my hand, goes on the mantle, not back in the bin. It motivates R to get to work and I always offer to help. Most of the time." -HS
we do that occasionally, too. the problem is that the mess slowly accumulates. not the everyday stuff; we (i) pick up pretty much every day, but the little things. things that get kicked under furniture or stuck in corners, apple cores that are dropped and not noticed until there are fruit flies swarming around ... all of a sudden one day i look around and my jaw drops in horror at how bad the mess has gotten. by that point, threatening to throw away anything that they don't pick up is a ridiculous, overwhelming threat to follow through on, and i'll never do it (okay, i HAVE done it, but i just can't these days). when daddy takes over clean-up supervision, it's drill instructor time...it's effective, but not pleasant AT ALL.
in general, i don't mind a little mess in their rooms -- it is their space, and i don't tend to hang out in there too often. i don't require them to clean up their rooms every day. i don't have the discipline or energy to enforce that. but when it gets to the point where there are clothes everywhere and you can hardly walk through due to fort remnants, etc., i want them to clean up. and they think i'm kidding. i've spent too long doing it for them (on occasion) that they just won't do it themselves. robby is getting better at it, but then again, none of them have very much left that "lives" in their rooms (in fact, robby isn't allowed to keep anything in his room at this point (except his journals, pokemon cards, lego creations, etc). he can play in there, but toys do not live in there. he can take in 5 books, but has to exchange them for new ones at the bookshelf in the hallway.
we did a great purge about 6 months ago, and if i think about it, it has helped, but there is still so much CRAP. i have 4 kids in a 2 kids sized house, so of course there will be a lot of toys. i have had people with one child tell me (after i have purged) that there's too much stuff, and i'm incredulous. how am i supposed to have one kid's worth of toys with four kids with different abilities and interests?? i'm all about simplicity, but it's an uphill battle, especially with overly doting grandparents who apparently don't understand the meaning of "only one gift per child, please"
i dream of a home where things are organized and stay that way. i am a meticulous organizer by nature. the chaos of 4 children (and a hubby) who care nothing for organization is excruciating for me. day in and day out. i wish they would put some big messy thing back before taking out another one. or at least put SOMETHING back, period. i would literally have to hover over them 24/7 to make sure these things got done. and i'm busy, and they're busy with their play, and our house is not laid out very well for supervising from any other room... so that's just impossible. there are "locked-up" activities that require permission to use, and they just ignore that request and break right on in. we have put away (like, in the garage) nearly-new games because the pieces got scattered and lost and there's no point in trying to locate them all in order to ever play the game correctly. it's now junk. and let me just say, it's a good thing playing cards are so cheap. cuz if they play with a new deck, it's as good as garbage.
it's always a hassle to get them to pick up their own crap, and the reason why i have given in and done it for them so many times is that i'm just tired of fighting about it. it's exhausting and i feel like it grates on our relationship. however, letting them walk all over me certainly causes a bit of resentment toward them on my part... i just can't win. on one hand, i feel if we lived an extremely minimalist lifestyle, this would not be a problem, heheh. but i like them to have toys. i like to have games to play. it's seriously a daily internal struggle for me...
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"Honestly I think you need a little break. Sell something and get a sitter for 1-2 hrs and do something for you. Mothers must take care of themselves to take care of the kids, if you are getting that frazzled (and you are pregnant) you may only need a rest or a break. Kids aren't going to be quiet in the morning so that is probably an unreasonable expectation given their ages and number of kids (1 kid might be quiet, but 3 or 4, forgettaboutit).
What do some of the moms of more than 2 have to say? Will that mother of yours come over and play with them for a bit, so you can just lay down or put your feet up?" -JP
i wish i could afford a sitter. drew is home in the mornings, so that's not a big deal. it's from noon until bedtime that i'm alone with them every day.
as for the mornings, i know they CAN do it. they have. and it's wonderful. it just seems like they forget almost every day... that running up and down the hallway and yelling might actually wake someone up OMG. and that if they let connor out of our room, they have to make double sure the kitchen stays closed, or there's gonna be a BIG mess. the only other option is for me to drag my booty out of bed as soon as they wake up, and i just can't do that every day. not that early, and not fast enough. esp since i know i don't go to bed early enough to get up that early, because i spend all the "me" time i have after they go to bed catching up on things i didn't get done while they were awake (or simply decompressing after the day -- a much needed ritual).
my mother is NO help at all. she and i have been butting heads for nearly 10 years. she pretty much thinks i need to just lie in the bed that i made by choosing to have lotsa babies. she doesn't even want to try and IMAGINE what my life is like. every explanation i have for anything i do (or don't do) is "just an excuse". we had a huge argument from january-april (yeah), and i have spoken to her twice and seen her once since then. i have chosen to walk away from that toxic relationship, because frankly, she makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit excuse for a mother/wife/daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece/friend/human being.
my dad retired last month and they are in the process of moving to georgia. my mom has already started her new job at brunswick memorial hospital, so she is living up there more often than down here. when they are here, they are working on getting their house ready to sell, or tending to other appts in town. they might as well not be here at all, ever, for all the help they are. never really were much help, but somehow it feels better knowing that their first excuse these days is "i don't live there anymore". oh, do i have some mommy issues...
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"One thing thing I have started doing is trying to combine toys for the kids, like even though I have a lot of girls, we still only really need a couple dolls. We only need one or two containers of blocks, we only need a few books per kid (everything else comes from the library), etc. If each one of the kids has as many toys as an only, than we become seriously overrun with toys, books, etc.
Things like puzzles, art supplies, and board games get put up high and out of reach so that even my oldest has to ask. Then I make sure that they put it up before getting anything else out." -JH
we pretty much already do that. Robby and Kieran have pretty much the same interests. legos, blocks, toy weapons, pokemon/yu-gi-oh cards, etc. i suppose we have more than one child would need of some of those things, but not much, and it's not all in rotation at the same time (e.g. legos and blocks). Devin is into pretend play (dolls, dress-up, kitchen), so we have that stuff too. not an excessive amount either. Connor is pretty much into cars. and cars. and cars. he has quite a collection, but they are mostly small and could easily fit into a file box. as i type this, i think of the actual volume of these things, and it really doesn't seem that bad. okay, that's not including all the confiscated/purged stuff that clutters the garage and is either waiting to be gotten rid of or brought back into rotation eventually (e.g. 80% of the dress up stuff that was taken away after being dragged out and not picked up EVERY DAY for far too long). i really think, as far as toys in the house, the real problem is keeping it organized and picked up.
puzzles and art/craft supplies are already "locked up". i put that in quotes because the lock is a child-proofing thing. only robby can open it, although lately he says kieran has learned how. the problem is when robby thinks he can sneak in and grab something without asking, and then he forgets to lock it back. both of those actions piss me off. he has left kid scissors out and devin has cut her hair or connor has cut holes in our brand new, very expensive slipcovers i swear, i need to get a chain and combination lock! that seems so extreme, but is apparently necessary. we actually did that to the twins' closet, because they kept dragging clean clothes out and they'd get mixed with dirty ones and i'd end up washing things over and over... it didn't last long, and that's not such a problem anymore...hmmm, i think i will have to re-purpose that lock now... i just hate the thought of treating them like inmates like that -- a "real" lock just looks so...i don't know. but i guess it's the only way until things shape up a bit. on the other hand, teachers tend to keep cabinets locked in their classrooms, right???
i am a huge fan of the duggars. not that i would EVER have that many children, but i have taken a lot from them. i just wish i had begun instilling some of these expectations more firmly/consistently in my children when they were younger. maybe the fact that we don't have regular cable anymore (and thus i don't watch the duggars' show anymore) has something to do with me losing my way, haha! i used to TiVo the show, and so i was constantly inspired by them...
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"My parents didn't have any regular expectations of us; it was all random and arbitrary, and so nothing really stuck, and we didn't develop HABITS like some of my friends did whose parents had very clear and systematic rules about maintaining order in the house. I wouldn't ever want to be obsessive or overly anxious about it, but I *would* like to give my children the gift of basic life management skills - like cleaning up one thing before you start another, taking care of your belongings, taking pride in your environment, noticing when something needs to be cleaned and doing it without being asked......The one thing I will say is that I think consistency is really critical in this endeavor (and I know this because my parents were lacking in it!) We can't enforce things only periodically, when we get overwhelmed. We need daily rituals, and once they become automatic, it's not a struggle anymore." -SM
i have struggled to establish rituals for my entire motherhood!
some things have stuck over the years, but most haven't. or we/i'll do something for a while, and then it slowly slips out of the routine. i guess that's just my nature -- i'm inconsistent, heh.
i think my main obstacle is exhaustion. my back problems pose so many more problems than one would think...it makes the physical side of homemaking and parenting impossible at times, so i have had to be very careful in picking my battles so i don't wind up pulling my back out and on pain killers and in physical therapy for weeks/months. it has been a long time since that happened, but i had to learn the hard way 3 times (majorly, and multiple minor incidents) before finally surrendering to listening to my body and recognizing what i really can and cannot do. that causes the deep-cleaning spurts to come in waves...the mess gets horrible, i go nuts taking care of it, strain my back, have to take it easy for several days, rinse, repeat... and there is a firm connection between physical pain and emotional pain. i feel inadequate and lazy when i can't keep do things the way i want or as often as i want (and this includes assisting the children in establishing said "life management skills"), and this causes lowered self-esteem, shame, and depression. this vicious cycle is one of the things my mother dismisses as "just an excuse" (seriously, i have become a psychological cliche lately with all my mommy issues ).
it does seem like it would be much simpler to just divide everything evenly and tackle a little every day. on most days, i do a good bit; it's just never enough. and there are days that i do next to nothing to get ahead, whether we are away from the house, or someone doesn't feel well, or i'm just plain tired. when the children were younger and i was in and out of college, they went to campus childcare from about 18 months on. i had plenty of time to get the housework done and it was amazing how put-together i was. now, i have more children, and have chosen to homeschool. i will not go back on that choice again -- i tried public school with robby twice, and it was disastrous. even the preschool, while not interfering academically, caused problems with the bonds i had with my children. i chose to have lots of babies, yes, and i need to act like a mama. my mother also used to wonder aloud why it was that i would "pawn them off" when i wasn't doing so to go to work or school. uuuugh. wow, guilt trip, mom? okay, i'm laughing at myself for bringing up my mom so much, but a lot of crap has been laid out on the table with her over the past 6 months, old wounds reopened, blinders ripped away, etc. very heartbreaking; i'm still processing...
ANYHOO, since the big changes have happened over the past few months for us (Drew starting police academy and pre-k ending for the twins -- so, me suddenly alone with all the kids full time...and i'm pregnant to boot ----also my choice! you're right, mom, i made my bed!). the cycle has been: mess---> mama freak-out---> kids reflecting my mood---> uncooperative rebellion---> more mama freak out---> no progress on anyone's part---> more mess (rinse and repeat again). *SIGH* for a while there, i had someone coming to help clean and fold laundry once a week. i justified the expense as medical 
, because really, it is preventive medicine for me, on a few levels. but that's been over for several weeks now. and my therapist resigned to spend more time with her children (go figure), so i haven't had that to rely on as a sounding board/venting opportunity in well over a month now -- i'm waiting to be placed with a new one as soon as they find the right fit for me. hmmm... i think i am starting to figure this out, haha!
the only problem is that having someone else come clean does not help the children acquire habits and responsibilities in this department. my long-time friend was supposed to replace our helper (and for cheaper!), but she's now in a play in orlando, which she is balancing with a full-time job here in gainesville, so she is not available until the play is over, really (and i don't know when that will be). being the childless, doting "aunt" that she is, she would be great in helping motivate the children in a fun, patient way, but i'm just WAAAAAITING for that to start now.
MAMAS (and papas) AND TEACHERS: please give me some examples of EMPATHY that 5 year olds can understand (or 4 year olds, as Kieran's cognitive/social development dictates). our first venture as a one-room schoolhouse will be virtues training, and lesson 1 is empathy. my book seems geared more toward older children, so HELP ME PLEASE. TIA
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i'm not trying to "teach" it, per se, i know it can't be taught, and i know they all have it (or are on their way to it). what i want to do is draw attention to it and encourage them to think about it consciously. i suppose you could say that this "virtue training" is more of a glorified vocabulary lesson
the thing that spurred me wanting to start this ASAP (i've had the book for months and have been putting it off due to the older-child aim of it) is when my hormonal preggo self went off and sobbed/screamed to them the other day about how sometimes their actions/words/decisions hurt other people, and that they should think about how it effects others -- like the messes they make and then don't want to help clean up, and using their bodies instead of their words when they are angry. i have been an emotional mess lately, and being alone with all of them for 50 hrs a week is starting to break me down... and that wasn't the first time i have cried in front of them because their behavior pushed me over an emotional cliff.
incidentally, when i told robby's therapist about this, she cut me off in the middle of an earnest explanation and said, very firmly, "now THAT'S gotta stop." my jaw dropped -- it made me feel like a naughty child myself. i don't like her very much. glad she's resigning
. i don't think there's anything wrong with telling my children that their actions are hurting me - or others - and apparently the easiest time for me to explain these things is when they've driven me to tears.there has been disobedience left and right, downright ignorance of my requests and rules -- and i reserve the word "rule" for essential, safety-related things whose reasons i explain thoroughly to them... like if you're playing with neighbors, you must stay where you can see the house and you can hear me holler for you at dinnertime, etc....you MUST wear shoes and helmet to ride your bike...sticks and toy weapons stay outside, keep the kitchen door closed so connor won't go dump my purse again or make a mess of the pantry or open (a childproof top!) and eat an entire bottle of omega-3 gummy fish
...or worse [by the way, i have one kitchen entry blocked with a self-closing/self-latching walk thru gate (thanks sarah r!), and i have since ordered another one for where the door is]... blah, blah. so, there really aren't that many "rules", but several expectations that, even after being lowered, are not being met -- e.g. when you wake up at the crack of dawn, be courteous and play quietly, get some breakfast, watch PBS quietly, etc.
...oh! and the constant "it's not fair!" and i keep correcting them with "no, what's not fair is that *i* end up cleaning up messes i didn't make because no one will help!" or "no, what's not fair is that i bought a special treat for dessert and i didn't get a single bit because you all snuck it and ate it ALL for breakfast before i woke up!" ridiculous. there i go again with the vocabulary lesson; trying to teach the correct usage of "it's not fair"...
this would be yet another opportunity for my mother to inform me that i have too many children.
like that helps. thanks for the support, mom, love ya! the weird thing is that robby's behavior has been much better lately than it has been for...ever? at least the past few years. he's starting to act a little more mature, responsible, and obedient. only about half the time, of course.
kieran is another problem, though. his autistic brain cannot wrap around the majority of the things that i'm trying to get through to them all. his stereotypical "parroting" is starting to seriously annoy me. he repeats things that don't apply, and insists upon them, even as i try to explain things on his level, to the point where i (in order to avoid stimulating a meltdown) just throw up my hands, say "whatever, nevermind" and walk away to someone else who actually understands me.
i feel like i have NO PATIENCE or energy for the gentle, patient get-them-to-help methods -- i can't even think of any that would work at this point. it turns into begging or threatening (to throw their things away) or yelling (which usually turns to tears on my part, as of late) ... i'm at the end of my rope here...
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"I know this isn't "virtue training" , but the rule in our house (not ALWAYS applied, but when needed) is, if I put it away, I'm putting it up. That means, what ever is in my hand, goes on the mantle, not back in the bin. It motivates R to get to work and I always offer to help. Most of the time." -HS
we do that occasionally, too. the problem is that the mess slowly accumulates. not the everyday stuff; we (i) pick up pretty much every day, but the little things. things that get kicked under furniture or stuck in corners, apple cores that are dropped and not noticed until there are fruit flies swarming around
... all of a sudden one day i look around and my jaw drops in horror at how bad the mess has gotten. by that point, threatening to throw away anything that they don't pick up is a ridiculous, overwhelming threat to follow through on, and i'll never do it (okay, i HAVE done it, but i just can't these days). when daddy takes over clean-up supervision, it's drill instructor time...it's effective, but not pleasant AT ALL. in general, i don't mind a little mess in their rooms -- it is their space, and i don't tend to hang out in there too often. i don't require them to clean up their rooms every day. i don't have the discipline or energy to enforce that. but when it gets to the point where there are clothes everywhere and you can hardly walk through due to fort remnants, etc., i want them to clean up. and they think i'm kidding. i've spent too long doing it for them (on occasion) that they just won't do it themselves. robby is getting better at it, but then again, none of them have very much left that "lives" in their rooms (in fact, robby isn't allowed to keep anything in his room at this point (except his journals, pokemon cards, lego creations, etc). he can play in there, but toys do not live in there. he can take in 5 books, but has to exchange them for new ones at the bookshelf in the hallway.
we did a great purge about 6 months ago, and if i think about it, it has helped, but there is still so much CRAP. i have 4 kids in a 2 kids sized house, so of course there will be a lot of toys. i have had people with one child tell me (after i have purged) that there's too much stuff, and i'm incredulous. how am i supposed to have one kid's worth of toys with four kids with different abilities and interests?? i'm all about simplicity, but it's an uphill battle, especially with overly doting grandparents who apparently don't understand the meaning of "only one gift per child, please"
i dream of a home where things are organized and stay that way. i am a meticulous organizer by nature. the chaos of 4 children (and a hubby) who care nothing for organization is excruciating for me. day in and day out. i wish they would put some big messy thing back before taking out another one. or at least put SOMETHING back, period. i would literally have to hover over them 24/7 to make sure these things got done. and i'm busy, and they're busy with their play, and our house is not laid out very well for supervising from any other room... so that's just impossible. there are "locked-up" activities that require permission to use, and they just ignore that request and break right on in. we have put away (like, in the garage) nearly-new games because the pieces got scattered and lost and there's no point in trying to locate them all in order to ever play the game correctly. it's now junk. and let me just say, it's a good thing playing cards are so cheap. cuz if they play with a new deck, it's as good as garbage.
it's always a hassle to get them to pick up their own crap, and the reason why i have given in and done it for them so many times is that i'm just tired of fighting about it. it's exhausting and i feel like it grates on our relationship. however, letting them walk all over me certainly causes a bit of resentment toward them on my part... i just can't win. on one hand, i feel if we lived an extremely minimalist lifestyle, this would not be a problem, heheh. but i like them to have toys. i like to have games to play. it's seriously a daily internal struggle for me...
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"Honestly I think you need a little break. Sell something and get a sitter for 1-2 hrs and do something for you. Mothers must take care of themselves to take care of the kids, if you are getting that frazzled (and you are pregnant) you may only need a rest or a break. Kids aren't going to be quiet in the morning so that is probably an unreasonable expectation given their ages and number of kids (1 kid might be quiet, but 3 or 4, forgettaboutit).
What do some of the moms of more than 2 have to say? Will that mother of yours come over and play with them for a bit, so you can just lay down or put your feet up?" -JP
i wish i could afford a sitter. drew is home in the mornings, so that's not a big deal. it's from noon until bedtime that i'm alone with them every day.
as for the mornings, i know they CAN do it. they have. and it's wonderful. it just seems like they forget almost every day... that running up and down the hallway and yelling might actually wake someone up
OMG. and that if they let connor out of our room, they have to make double sure the kitchen stays closed, or there's gonna be a BIG mess. the only other option is for me to drag my booty out of bed as soon as they wake up, and i just can't do that every day. not that early, and not fast enough. esp since i know i don't go to bed early enough to get up that early, because i spend all the "me" time i have after they go to bed catching up on things i didn't get done while they were awake (or simply decompressing after the day -- a much needed ritual).my mother is NO help at all. she and i have been butting heads for nearly 10 years. she pretty much thinks i need to just lie in the bed that i made by choosing to have lotsa babies. she doesn't even want to try and IMAGINE what my life is like. every explanation i have for anything i do (or don't do) is "just an excuse". we had a huge argument from january-april (yeah), and i have spoken to her twice and seen her once since then. i have chosen to walk away from that toxic relationship, because frankly, she makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit excuse for a mother/wife/daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece/friend/human being.
my dad retired last month and they are in the process of moving to georgia. my mom has already started her new job at brunswick memorial hospital, so she is living up there more often than down here. when they are here, they are working on getting their house ready to sell, or tending to other appts in town. they might as well not be here at all, ever, for all the help they are. never really were much help, but somehow it feels better knowing that their first excuse these days is "i don't live there anymore". oh, do i have some mommy issues...
~*~*~*~*~*~
"One thing thing I have started doing is trying to combine toys for the kids, like even though I have a lot of girls, we still only really need a couple dolls. We only need one or two containers of blocks, we only need a few books per kid (everything else comes from the library), etc. If each one of the kids has as many toys as an only, than we become seriously overrun with toys, books, etc.
Things like puzzles, art supplies, and board games get put up high and out of reach so that even my oldest has to ask. Then I make sure that they put it up before getting anything else out." -JH
we pretty much already do that. Robby and Kieran have pretty much the same interests. legos, blocks, toy weapons, pokemon/yu-gi-oh cards, etc. i suppose we have more than one child would need of some of those things, but not much, and it's not all in rotation at the same time (e.g. legos and blocks). Devin is into pretend play (dolls, dress-up, kitchen), so we have that stuff too. not an excessive amount either. Connor is pretty much into cars. and cars. and cars. he has quite a collection, but they are mostly small and could easily fit into a file box. as i type this, i think of the actual volume of these things, and it really doesn't seem that bad. okay, that's not including all the confiscated/purged stuff that clutters the garage and is either waiting to be gotten rid of or brought back into rotation eventually (e.g. 80% of the dress up stuff that was taken away after being dragged out and not picked up EVERY DAY for far too long). i really think, as far as toys in the house, the real problem is keeping it organized and picked up.
puzzles and art/craft supplies are already "locked up". i put that in quotes because the lock is a child-proofing thing. only robby can open it, although lately he says kieran has learned how. the problem is when robby thinks he can sneak in and grab something without asking, and then he forgets to lock it back. both of those actions piss me off. he has left kid scissors out and devin has cut her hair or connor has cut holes in our brand new, very expensive slipcovers
i swear, i need to get a chain and combination lock! that seems so extreme, but is apparently necessary. we actually did that to the twins' closet, because they kept dragging clean clothes out and they'd get mixed with dirty ones and i'd end up washing things over and over... it didn't last long, and that's not such a problem anymore...hmmm, i think i will have to re-purpose that lock now... i just hate the thought of treating them like inmates like that -- a "real" lock just looks so...i don't know. but i guess it's the only way until things shape up a bit. on the other hand, teachers tend to keep cabinets locked in their classrooms, right???i am a huge fan of the duggars. not that i would EVER have that many children, but i have taken a lot from them. i just wish i had begun instilling some of these expectations more firmly/consistently in my children when they were younger. maybe the fact that we don't have regular cable anymore (and thus i don't watch the duggars' show anymore) has something to do with me losing my way, haha! i used to TiVo the show, and so i was constantly inspired by them...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"My parents didn't have any regular expectations of us; it was all random and arbitrary, and so nothing really stuck, and we didn't develop HABITS like some of my friends did whose parents had very clear and systematic rules about maintaining order in the house. I wouldn't ever want to be obsessive or overly anxious about it, but I *would* like to give my children the gift of basic life management skills - like cleaning up one thing before you start another, taking care of your belongings, taking pride in your environment, noticing when something needs to be cleaned and doing it without being asked......The one thing I will say is that I think consistency is really critical in this endeavor (and I know this because my parents were lacking in it!) We can't enforce things only periodically, when we get overwhelmed. We need daily rituals, and once they become automatic, it's not a struggle anymore." -SM
i have struggled to establish rituals for my entire motherhood!
some things have stuck over the years, but most haven't. or we/i'll do something for a while, and then it slowly slips out of the routine. i guess that's just my nature -- i'm inconsistent, heh. i think my main obstacle is exhaustion. my back problems pose so many more problems than one would think...it makes the physical side of homemaking and parenting impossible at times, so i have had to be very careful in picking my battles so i don't wind up pulling my back out and on pain killers and in physical therapy for weeks/months. it has been a long time since that happened, but i had to learn the hard way 3 times (majorly, and multiple minor incidents) before finally surrendering to listening to my body and recognizing what i really can and cannot do. that causes the deep-cleaning spurts to come in waves...the mess gets horrible, i go nuts taking care of it, strain my back, have to take it easy for several days, rinse, repeat... and there is a firm connection between physical pain and emotional pain. i feel inadequate and lazy when i can't keep do things the way i want or as often as i want (and this includes assisting the children in establishing said "life management skills"), and this causes lowered self-esteem, shame, and depression. this vicious cycle is one of the things my mother dismisses as "just an excuse" (seriously, i have become a psychological cliche lately with all my mommy issues
).it does seem like it would be much simpler to just divide everything evenly and tackle a little every day. on most days, i do a good bit; it's just never enough. and there are days that i do next to nothing to get ahead, whether we are away from the house, or someone doesn't feel well, or i'm just plain tired. when the children were younger and i was in and out of college, they went to campus childcare from about 18 months on. i had plenty of time to get the housework done and it was amazing how put-together i was. now, i have more children, and have chosen to homeschool. i will not go back on that choice again -- i tried public school with robby twice, and it was disastrous. even the preschool, while not interfering academically, caused problems with the bonds i had with my children. i chose to have lots of babies, yes, and i need to act like a mama. my mother also used to wonder aloud why it was that i would "pawn them off" when i wasn't doing so to go to work or school. uuuugh. wow, guilt trip, mom? okay, i'm laughing at myself for bringing up my mom so much, but a lot of crap has been laid out on the table with her over the past 6 months, old wounds reopened, blinders ripped away, etc. very heartbreaking; i'm still processing...
ANYHOO, since the big changes have happened over the past few months for us (Drew starting police academy and pre-k ending for the twins -- so, me suddenly alone with all the kids full time...and i'm pregnant to boot
----also my choice! you're right, mom, i made my bed!). the cycle has been: mess---> mama freak-out---> kids reflecting my mood---> uncooperative rebellion---> more mama freak out---> no progress on anyone's part---> more mess (rinse and repeat again). *SIGH* for a while there, i had someone coming to help clean and fold laundry once a week. i justified the expense as medical , because really, it is preventive medicine for me, on a few levels. but that's been over for several weeks now. and my therapist resigned to spend more time with her children (go figure), so i haven't had that to rely on as a sounding board/venting opportunity in well over a month now -- i'm waiting to be placed with a new one as soon as they find the right fit for me. hmmm... i think i am starting to figure this out, haha! the only problem is that having someone else come clean does not help the children acquire habits and responsibilities in this department. my long-time friend was supposed to replace our helper (and for cheaper!), but she's now in a play in orlando, which she is balancing with a full-time job here in gainesville, so she is not available until the play is over, really (and i don't know when that will be). being the childless, doting "aunt" that she is, she would be great in helping motivate the children in a fun, patient way, but i'm just WAAAAAITING for that to start now.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Planning something daring... ;)
I am pg with #5 (due in November) and planning a UC this time around in order to finally get the birth I want. Too many past birth traumas, fears, unnecessary interventions, and serious modesty/privacy issues. My children are 8, 5, 5, and 2. We are a co-sleeping, baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, non-circin', no-longer-vaxin', urban-homesteading (chickens and garden) family...although our parenting style has evolved over the past 8 years from 75% mainstream (I started off "going by the book" while fighting my natural AP instincts), became progressively "lazier" (i.e. more AP ;)) when my twins came along, to about 90% AP by the time baby #4 was born (the gentle discipline part is an extreme challenge for us due to "pre-programming" from my abusive childhood, and my husband's war-induced PTSD, which manifests as anger/short temper... :().
My first was born at a birth center. Very traumatic (I was 9cm when I GOT there), and baby was transferred to NICU for 2 days due to transient tachypnea (fluid in lungs causing too frequent respirations). My twins were going to be born at the town's OTHER birth center, but when we discovered it was twins, I had to go with hospital MWs and deliver them in an operating room full of strangers. My fourth was born in the same hospital as well, because I had such a wonderful relationship with my previous midwife, I wanted her again, and I also wanted to "treat" myself to a pudendal block to avoid the "ring of fire" (my breaking point). My midwife had just finished a 50 hr shift when I went into labor, so I didn't even get her anyway. :( I contracted a severe waterborne bacterial infection during that brief (28 hr) stay, and had an excruciating nursing experience with that baby (11+ months of painkillers, antibiotics, and antifungals before temporarily weaning to let raw nipples heal, followed by a 4 wk nursing strike during which I lost the majority of my milk supply). Can you imagine why I don't want to go back to that place? And that's the "good" maternity hospital in town. The alternative is a teaching hospital, which is a REALLY HORRIBLE place to attempt a private, natural childbirth. They'll do anything there to facilitate a "learning experience" for the students. NO THANK YOU.
Anyway...I was originally going with HB MWs, but the OB who backs them is reluctant to "sign off" on me for what I consider to be ridiculous "risk factors" (about which I have done thorough research and am comfortable with). These risks include: history of twins (this one is a singleton), history of GD (only with the twins, and I have already passed my 1hr GTT this time around), I take an rx that is class D for pregnancy (very very small chance of defects that have been essentially ruled out during 20wk u/s), my most recent pap was abnormal (probably yeast or HPV [which I've had for 9+ years with no complications] flare-up, but I have a colposcopy scheduled in 2 wks and do not, at this point, believe this will cause a problem for UC). All of these "risk factors" give me an enormous score on the HB risk assessment scale, but at the same time, I would be considered "low risk" in a hospital setting. Phooey.
As soon as I found out that I may not be getting my homebirth with MWs, I began researching UC. I know of one local mama who had a successful UC last year (she may even be a member on here), and the more I learn about it, the more it feels right for me, for every possible reason. Privacy, I believe, is the simple answer to most of my childbirth fears.
I believe I am a good candidate because: I have had 4 vaginal births (even my twins!), I have never had any postpartum complications (although I am aware that my risk of PPH increases with each child, and I am also not excited about NOT having percocet for afterbirth cramps, which are nearly incapacitating for me), any labor or newborn "complications" I have had have been unpredictable and not anything serious enough that being in a hospital made much difference (all can be dealt with well enough at home without specialized equipment). I have purchased a cheap doppler for heart rate monitoring during labor, because 2 of my babies had decels due to cord compression, but I have since learned (through research) that the decels were not, in fact, life-threatening. Just another example of the over-invasiveness of the medical model.
I believe that this birth will be fast, easy, and uncomplicated. I have done research and am prepared for the worst, but in my heart do not feel like any "worst" will happen. I feel very confident and empowered and excited to be planning this. I feel I must also mention that my mother is a 30 yr L&D nurse, natural childbirth educator, and certified doula, so I was raised knowing all about birth (I would seriously sit there and read her books as a child). The process is ingrained in my brain. My hubby is awesome and supportive and relaxed about this whole thing as well, and is a former Marine, so he knows first aid and CPR and all that (so do I, but two heads are better than one, esp if it's ME that needs it!). We have a fire dept 2 min from our house, and the hospital is 10 min away.
I have purchased the essential contents of a birth kit, as well as a birth pool (I really need the aquadural experience ;)). I have also done research on herbs to be used during labor and after the birth in order to ensure a smooth experience, and will be purchasing them closer to the time.
That's all for now. :)
My first was born at a birth center. Very traumatic (I was 9cm when I GOT there), and baby was transferred to NICU for 2 days due to transient tachypnea (fluid in lungs causing too frequent respirations). My twins were going to be born at the town's OTHER birth center, but when we discovered it was twins, I had to go with hospital MWs and deliver them in an operating room full of strangers. My fourth was born in the same hospital as well, because I had such a wonderful relationship with my previous midwife, I wanted her again, and I also wanted to "treat" myself to a pudendal block to avoid the "ring of fire" (my breaking point). My midwife had just finished a 50 hr shift when I went into labor, so I didn't even get her anyway. :( I contracted a severe waterborne bacterial infection during that brief (28 hr) stay, and had an excruciating nursing experience with that baby (11+ months of painkillers, antibiotics, and antifungals before temporarily weaning to let raw nipples heal, followed by a 4 wk nursing strike during which I lost the majority of my milk supply). Can you imagine why I don't want to go back to that place? And that's the "good" maternity hospital in town. The alternative is a teaching hospital, which is a REALLY HORRIBLE place to attempt a private, natural childbirth. They'll do anything there to facilitate a "learning experience" for the students. NO THANK YOU.
Anyway...I was originally going with HB MWs, but the OB who backs them is reluctant to "sign off" on me for what I consider to be ridiculous "risk factors" (about which I have done thorough research and am comfortable with). These risks include: history of twins (this one is a singleton), history of GD (only with the twins, and I have already passed my 1hr GTT this time around), I take an rx that is class D for pregnancy (very very small chance of defects that have been essentially ruled out during 20wk u/s), my most recent pap was abnormal (probably yeast or HPV [which I've had for 9+ years with no complications] flare-up, but I have a colposcopy scheduled in 2 wks and do not, at this point, believe this will cause a problem for UC). All of these "risk factors" give me an enormous score on the HB risk assessment scale, but at the same time, I would be considered "low risk" in a hospital setting. Phooey.
As soon as I found out that I may not be getting my homebirth with MWs, I began researching UC. I know of one local mama who had a successful UC last year (she may even be a member on here), and the more I learn about it, the more it feels right for me, for every possible reason. Privacy, I believe, is the simple answer to most of my childbirth fears.
I believe I am a good candidate because: I have had 4 vaginal births (even my twins!), I have never had any postpartum complications (although I am aware that my risk of PPH increases with each child, and I am also not excited about NOT having percocet for afterbirth cramps, which are nearly incapacitating for me), any labor or newborn "complications" I have had have been unpredictable and not anything serious enough that being in a hospital made much difference (all can be dealt with well enough at home without specialized equipment). I have purchased a cheap doppler for heart rate monitoring during labor, because 2 of my babies had decels due to cord compression, but I have since learned (through research) that the decels were not, in fact, life-threatening. Just another example of the over-invasiveness of the medical model.
I believe that this birth will be fast, easy, and uncomplicated. I have done research and am prepared for the worst, but in my heart do not feel like any "worst" will happen. I feel very confident and empowered and excited to be planning this. I feel I must also mention that my mother is a 30 yr L&D nurse, natural childbirth educator, and certified doula, so I was raised knowing all about birth (I would seriously sit there and read her books as a child). The process is ingrained in my brain. My hubby is awesome and supportive and relaxed about this whole thing as well, and is a former Marine, so he knows first aid and CPR and all that (so do I, but two heads are better than one, esp if it's ME that needs it!). We have a fire dept 2 min from our house, and the hospital is 10 min away.
I have purchased the essential contents of a birth kit, as well as a birth pool (I really need the aquadural experience ;)). I have also done research on herbs to be used during labor and after the birth in order to ensure a smooth experience, and will be purchasing them closer to the time.
That's all for now. :)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
My response to a friend having PL'ing issues with her 2yo
honestly (and i've been trying to avoid participating in this discussion because you know how i feel), we tried sticker charts and even candy (only with the twins), and even downright frustrated mama yelling after the zillionth "on-purpose" (not accident, which i was convinced was the case as a rebellious response to the pressure) and NOTHING worked until they were READY. until they intrinsically WANTED to use the potty. and i truly feel like all the pressure dragged the process out MONTHS longer than was necessary. the damn preschool was pressuring ME to pressure THEM, and it made the whole thing a nightmare.
robby was capable of bladder control from around 2-2.5yrs, and we started the "training", along with the preschool at age 2. it took a YEAR AND A HALF of this nightmarish hellhole of a struggle. well, a year. i totally gave up toward the end of my pregnancy with the twins, and therefore had 3 in diapers for 6 months. then, when he was 3 yrs 7 mos old, i was changing his diaper and he said: "no. i want to go to the potty." and that was that. undies from then on, and never wet his bed more than a handful of times, spaced out over months. i just KNOW that it would have been SOOO much simpler and happier if i had just WAITED for him to WANT to use the potty.
the twins took even longer. same preschool, same starting age (2). when they weren't trained yet at 3.5 years (mama was being lazy/desperate about it at home due to pregnancy and newborn), i pulled them out of the school. i was then well into my second experience with 3 in diapers. we had tried fancy sticker charts that i made on the computer with their pictures, a picture of a potty, and 100 squares for star stickers to fit in. double sided. laminated. the works. then we added in a pez candy for each "success". there was no punishment for "failures", but, as i mentioned above, i often got angry after so many "on-purposes" (esp on devin's part). all in all, kieran finally "trained" at age 3yrs 10mos, and devin at 4yrs ~2mos. talk about dragging it out!!! so that time i had 3 in diapers for almost a YEAR! and they still wet their beds a few times a month. uuuuuuuugh.
so, you see why i am not bothering with ANYTHING this time around. connor has bladder control, and he runs around naked a lot and pees all over the floor. i don't even care. upholstered furniture is quite another story though, and that's only happened 1-2x so far, and totally accidental. he almost always goes on hard floors or outside (yes, i find steaming piles of poo on occasion, and we don't have any dogs! ). if he were to start peeing on upholstery, i would simply make more of an effort to keep that diaper on (drawstring soakers/shorts, overalls, etc...).
i occasionally mention to him (when he's naked or wearing nothing but a bathing suit in the house) "if you need to go pee-pee, go sit on the potty, okay?" but that's it. no pressure, no follow-up. i just want to get it into his head that we pee on the potty. i also verbalize about what's going on when he follows me into the bathroom, and he loves to watch his brothers and daddy pee standing up (and then take the same stance, framing his junk with his hands and thrusting his pelvis forward, but nothing ever comes out). i have sat him on the potty when we are getting ready for baths, but i snatch him up immediately if he shows the first sign of fear. other than those things, which i consider to be simply acclimatization, we do nothing. we go on changing his diapers and do none of the "you are too big to wear diapers, you should be using the potty like a big boy, this is disgusting" crap, like we had done out of frustration with the other children. i find that to be shaming and therefore detrimental. i mean, i feel i have the right to react to a particularly stinky poopy diaper, but that's more of a dramatic show for fun, not for shaming or anything. he joins in, saying "ewwww! stinky poooo!"
i guess my point is, it sounds like dylan is feeling pressure, and is rebelling. if it were me, i would back off for a while, and just do your darndest to keep his diaper on. you can tell him (if he complains about wearing a diaper) "i'm sorry sweetie, but you have to wear this diaper until you are ready to use the potty, because i don't like cleaning up pee-pee and poopy all day long. it makes the house smell yucky, and it makes mama sad." say it empathetically, and repeatedly. you are appealing to his conscience, yes, but IMHO, that's a good thing! if he wants out of that diaper badly enough, he'll decide to use the potty. but really, it's a process in which parents have to be patient. there's no use trying to force it, and there are sooo many widely varying degrees of "force" in this department.
all of my olders just all of a sudden DID IT. on their own. when they decided they were ready. and every time, i thought "WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF ALL THAT STRUGGLE WHEN THEY WERE JUST GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THEY WERE READY ANYWAY??!?!" wasted time, energy, and peace, for all of us.
my prediction (and i'd be willing to bet money on this) is that connor will PL looong before the other did. as before, i am once again pregnant during "prime" PL'ing age, and he will be only 2.75yrs when the new baby comes (4 months younger than the others were -- 3yrs ~1mo, both times), so i will continue to be "lazy" about it as i deal with 3rd trimester exhaustion and postpartum/babymooning. but i figure that even so, without the pressure, he will do it on his own, and long before 3yrs 7mos, our "record" minimum age so far. i am prepared to have 2 in diapers, which will be no different from having had twins , but i don't expect it to be for nearly as long.
OMG, sorry for writing a novel about this, esp when i'm pretty sure i've already told you most of this, if not typed it up somewhere else on the forum. i just hate to see you fall into the same trap of frustration that i did, because in the end, for me, it just.wasn't.worth.it. 
HTH(?)
robby was capable of bladder control from around 2-2.5yrs, and we started the "training", along with the preschool at age 2. it took a YEAR AND A HALF of this nightmarish hellhole of a struggle. well, a year. i totally gave up toward the end of my pregnancy with the twins, and therefore had 3 in diapers for 6 months. then, when he was 3 yrs 7 mos old, i was changing his diaper and he said: "no. i want to go to the potty."
and that was that. undies from then on, and never wet his bed more than a handful of times, spaced out over months. i just KNOW that it would have been SOOO much simpler and happier if i had just WAITED for him to WANT to use the potty.the twins took even longer. same preschool, same starting age (2). when they weren't trained yet at 3.5 years (mama was being lazy/desperate about it at home due to pregnancy and newborn), i pulled them out of the school. i was then well into my second experience with 3 in diapers. we had tried fancy sticker charts that i made on the computer with their pictures, a picture of a potty, and 100 squares for star stickers to fit in. double sided. laminated. the works. then we added in a pez candy for each "success". there was no punishment for "failures", but, as i mentioned above, i often got angry after so many "on-purposes" (esp on devin's part). all in all, kieran finally "trained" at age 3yrs 10mos, and devin at 4yrs ~2mos. talk about dragging it out!!! so that time i had 3 in diapers for almost a YEAR! and they still wet their beds a few times a month. uuuuuuuugh.
so, you see why i am not bothering with ANYTHING this time around. connor has bladder control, and he runs around naked a lot and pees all over the floor. i don't even care. upholstered furniture is quite another story though, and that's only happened 1-2x so far, and totally accidental. he almost always goes on hard floors or outside (yes, i find steaming piles of poo on occasion, and we don't have any dogs!
). if he were to start peeing on upholstery, i would simply make more of an effort to keep that diaper on (drawstring soakers/shorts, overalls, etc...). i occasionally mention to him (when he's naked or wearing nothing but a bathing suit in the house) "if you need to go pee-pee, go sit on the potty, okay?" but that's it. no pressure, no follow-up. i just want to get it into his head that we pee on the potty. i also verbalize about what's going on when he follows me into the bathroom, and he loves to watch his brothers and daddy pee standing up (and then take the same stance, framing his junk with his hands and thrusting his pelvis forward, but nothing ever comes out).
i have sat him on the potty when we are getting ready for baths, but i snatch him up immediately if he shows the first sign of fear. other than those things, which i consider to be simply acclimatization, we do nothing. we go on changing his diapers and do none of the "you are too big to wear diapers, you should be using the potty like a big boy, this is disgusting" crap, like we had done out of frustration with the other children. i find that to be shaming and therefore detrimental. i mean, i feel i have the right to react to a particularly stinky poopy diaper, but that's more of a dramatic show for fun, not for shaming or anything. he joins in, saying "ewwww! stinky poooo!" i guess my point is, it sounds like dylan is feeling pressure, and is rebelling. if it were me, i would back off for a while, and just do your darndest to keep his diaper on. you can tell him (if he complains about wearing a diaper) "i'm sorry sweetie, but you have to wear this diaper until you are ready to use the potty, because i don't like cleaning up pee-pee and poopy all day long. it makes the house smell yucky, and it makes mama sad." say it empathetically, and repeatedly. you are appealing to his conscience, yes, but IMHO, that's a good thing! if he wants out of that diaper badly enough, he'll decide to use the potty. but really, it's a process in which parents have to be patient. there's no use trying to force it, and there are sooo many widely varying degrees of "force" in this department.
all of my olders just all of a sudden DID IT. on their own. when they decided they were ready. and every time, i thought "WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF ALL THAT STRUGGLE WHEN THEY WERE JUST GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THEY WERE READY ANYWAY??!?!" wasted time, energy, and peace, for all of us.
my prediction (and i'd be willing to bet money on this) is that connor will PL looong before the other did. as before, i am once again pregnant during "prime" PL'ing age, and he will be only 2.75yrs when the new baby comes (4 months younger than the others were -- 3yrs ~1mo, both times), so i will continue to be "lazy" about it as i deal with 3rd trimester exhaustion and postpartum/babymooning. but i figure that even so, without the pressure, he will do it on his own, and long before 3yrs 7mos, our "record" minimum age so far. i am prepared to have 2 in diapers, which will be no different from having had twins , but i don't expect it to be for nearly as long.OMG, sorry for writing a novel about this, esp when i'm pretty sure i've already told you most of this, if not typed it up somewhere else on the forum.
i just hate to see you fall into the same trap of frustration that i did, because in the end, for me, it just.wasn't.worth.it. HTH(?)
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Painful email to my mother
1. i am very disappointed with my sister for opening her mouth about my personal business without talking to me first. she's just as bad as that bitch tamara in that aspect. like i said before, i did not intend on anyone anywhere NEAR the family finding out before i told them, and it pisses me off royally that i have NEVER been able to tell you directly. robby, it was you opening my mail, pretty sure adrienne let you know the next 2 times, and then now again. not that you've ever been genuinely happy about it. how do you figure that makes me feel? put yourself in my shoes for one minute and practice a little thing called empathy.
2. apparently i will be deleting quite a few "friends" off my facebook list, considering that i wouldn't want anyone to pass on any more slander to you (incidentally, the definition of slander is the spreading of UNTRUE information. how are my feelings slander? perhaps you should rethink your choice of words before making inaccurate accusations). unfortunately this means "cutting ties" with family members as well as friends who talk to those family members. you know, like all of my friends that adrienne is so close with now because she is capable of going out drinking and partying with them and i'm not. i will not stop sharing my thoughts and feelings with my friends, on facebook or otherwise.
3. i shared my excitement about my money because everyone knew drew's been unemployed and now he's in school (i.e. that we've been dirt poor for nearly a year now). it would look very strange if this poor family all of a sudden started buy lots of expensive upgrades. i'd rather them know i have cash than think i'm being stupid with credit cards. forgive my highly inappropriate action.
4. passive-aggressiveness is something i learned as a survival technique while i was growing up. i find it to be incredibly effective and i will use it when i deem it necessary.
5. i find it incredibly sad that i cannot get the support i need from "those who care DEEPLY about me, who have a vested interest in me and my family's well-being." i remember being called a bitch by you, a loser, quitter, and whore by dad, and also being told that the only reason that he cared at all about me was to make sure his genes were passed on into the next generation. well, looky there, he got his wish, five times over. i have felt like a disappointment to you since i hit adolescence; felt conditional love that existed only when i did something that made you proud, like make A's in school or earn my trophies at a piano recital or do well at a swim meet. i remember dad telling me what a graceful dancer i was. when i quit ballet, i quit being graceful to him, in my mind. when i quit swimming and piano, i became a failure in his eyes. and as an adult, in my own perception (which is what MATTERS to me), i have NEVER made you proud. and i am reminded of that all the time. so how exactly am i supposed to feel this "love" you speak of??? how does one abuse love that essentially doesn't exist to them? i wish you would do the research i have done and then you might understand why i am the way that i am. i am a member of a group who's motto is "be the parent you wish you'd had". chew on that.
6. my friends DO care more than you do. whether or not they come and go, the ones i have at any given time CARE. that's pretty much the definition of the word "FRIEND".
7. i do cherish my role as mother. it is my life. as far as i'm concerned, you will not be hearing much about my life and my children anymore (in case you haven't noticed the fact that i have already been keeping the conversations at acquaintance level for a few years now). i simply open myself up to criticism, shame, and rejection. you must know that a mother has incredible power over her children, regardless of age. i depended on you to keep me safe and happy from birth. i am addicted to you because that is nature. but this addiction is toxic, and i am growing up and realizing that it has done more harm than good. i so desperately want to have a loving, caring relationship with my mother, but some of the things you say and do are absolutely APPALLING to me when i try to picture myself doing the same thing to my own children. APPALLING. you are CALLOUS, and that is hurtful.
8. how dare you suggest that i soul search about modeling mature behavior for my children? i won't have my children growing up thinking it's okay to stand there and take abuse of ANY kind from ANYone, blood or not. they will know that it is okay to be upset when someone repeatedly breaks your heart, and that it is okay to remove themselves from toxic situations, that it is okay to be selfish when their well-being is at stake. it is a shame, however, that they will grow up learning these lessons by watching their mother suffer.
2. apparently i will be deleting quite a few "friends" off my facebook list, considering that i wouldn't want anyone to pass on any more slander to you (incidentally, the definition of slander is the spreading of UNTRUE information. how are my feelings slander? perhaps you should rethink your choice of words before making inaccurate accusations). unfortunately this means "cutting ties" with family members as well as friends who talk to those family members. you know, like all of my friends that adrienne is so close with now because she is capable of going out drinking and partying with them and i'm not. i will not stop sharing my thoughts and feelings with my friends, on facebook or otherwise.
3. i shared my excitement about my money because everyone knew drew's been unemployed and now he's in school (i.e. that we've been dirt poor for nearly a year now). it would look very strange if this poor family all of a sudden started buy lots of expensive upgrades. i'd rather them know i have cash than think i'm being stupid with credit cards. forgive my highly inappropriate action.
4. passive-aggressiveness is something i learned as a survival technique while i was growing up. i find it to be incredibly effective and i will use it when i deem it necessary.
5. i find it incredibly sad that i cannot get the support i need from "those who care DEEPLY about me, who have a vested interest in me and my family's well-being." i remember being called a bitch by you, a loser, quitter, and whore by dad, and also being told that the only reason that he cared at all about me was to make sure his genes were passed on into the next generation. well, looky there, he got his wish, five times over. i have felt like a disappointment to you since i hit adolescence; felt conditional love that existed only when i did something that made you proud, like make A's in school or earn my trophies at a piano recital or do well at a swim meet. i remember dad telling me what a graceful dancer i was. when i quit ballet, i quit being graceful to him, in my mind. when i quit swimming and piano, i became a failure in his eyes. and as an adult, in my own perception (which is what MATTERS to me), i have NEVER made you proud. and i am reminded of that all the time. so how exactly am i supposed to feel this "love" you speak of??? how does one abuse love that essentially doesn't exist to them? i wish you would do the research i have done and then you might understand why i am the way that i am. i am a member of a group who's motto is "be the parent you wish you'd had". chew on that.
6. my friends DO care more than you do. whether or not they come and go, the ones i have at any given time CARE. that's pretty much the definition of the word "FRIEND".
7. i do cherish my role as mother. it is my life. as far as i'm concerned, you will not be hearing much about my life and my children anymore (in case you haven't noticed the fact that i have already been keeping the conversations at acquaintance level for a few years now). i simply open myself up to criticism, shame, and rejection. you must know that a mother has incredible power over her children, regardless of age. i depended on you to keep me safe and happy from birth. i am addicted to you because that is nature. but this addiction is toxic, and i am growing up and realizing that it has done more harm than good. i so desperately want to have a loving, caring relationship with my mother, but some of the things you say and do are absolutely APPALLING to me when i try to picture myself doing the same thing to my own children. APPALLING. you are CALLOUS, and that is hurtful.
8. how dare you suggest that i soul search about modeling mature behavior for my children? i won't have my children growing up thinking it's okay to stand there and take abuse of ANY kind from ANYone, blood or not. they will know that it is okay to be upset when someone repeatedly breaks your heart, and that it is okay to remove themselves from toxic situations, that it is okay to be selfish when their well-being is at stake. it is a shame, however, that they will grow up learning these lessons by watching their mother suffer.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
and i am chastised again...(i can't do anything right!)
my post in response to mamas resisting park playdates because of shredded tires lining the playground:
"i guess i'm probably odd man out, but...
i personally don't have much of a problem with the shredded tires. i've heard all the research about the toxins, but we don't go to such parks often enough for me to be concerned. i've never had headaches, clothing stains, or stink issues from it either. my biggest complaint about it is the pieces that get into my shoes (and my kids usually end up barefoot at these parks. it really is a shame, because i personally find both san felasco and squirrel ridge to be great parks, with lots of room to run around and trails to walk, etc. i have no problem taking my kids to those two parks on occasion.
and btw (slightly OT tangent here), i was wondering, if the shredded tires are so toxic, why are they still there? anyone who's been in g-ville as long as i have may remember KidSpace, a REALLY awesome playground that was THE place to play in this town once upon a time. when they discovered toxins in the wood (or the ground, or something -- i was young), they promptly closed it and tore it down. i am wondering why this has not happened to the shredded tire playgrounds??? (or at least why they haven't proposed replacing the shreds with mulch, etc.)
sandy playgrounds have just as much risk of exposure to toxins, imho. cats poop in the sand at night and leave a toxoplasmosis buffet available to any random toddler. remember the issue at the alachua splash park where a cat tracked contaminated sand into the water area, and it cycled through the sprinkler thingies and got abunch of kids really really sick?? i bet there are some of you that said immediately that you will NEVER take your kids there again. not me. i have to trust that the city took care of that, and my children and i are looking forward to frequenting it again this summer.
and creek-stomping. my kids love it. again, i've seen the research and determined that the risk is low enough in the areas that we stomp in that i am STILL willing to allow them to do it. it's not like we do it every day, and ya know, even if we did, i still wouldn't be too worried. we have a drainage ditch behind our house on 2 sides. that is a place that i do not allow my children to play. but pollution/toxins aren't even the main reason for that. it's the extra garbage that gets thrown in there, the fact that it's a deep ravine (and thus a trip/fall risk), and it's impossible for me to supervise it from my own property without climbing a tree (and then how am i helpful if someone needs me?). but there have been times that i've gone down there with them to catch minnows for the fish tank.
i just can't justify depriving my children of a well-rounded outdoor experience just because of these things, because you never know what's going to be deemed toxic next. pretty soon there will be NO more "non-toxic" play places in the world. next thing you know, rum island or ichetucknee will be found to be full of polutants and people will freak out if they find out you go there.
maybe it's the tomboy in me, maybe the gainesville native in me, maybe it's because i became a mom at a young age and therefore never really "grew up". maybe i'm just plain ignorant... whatever you want to call it. we just can't live in bubbles. it is absolutely impossible to avoid exposure to toxins. we can make our homes and cars and diets as toxin-free as possible, but the rest of the world will never be "safe".
[rant over]
also, i DO have a problem with Hampstead. i feel uncomfortable there, because it is private property and i'm about as far from a Haile housewife as i can get without missing most of my teeth and playing a banjo. plus, there are no bathrooms, and the thought of anyone (including adults) having a bathroom emergency and then either having to drive from the middle of nowhere to a gas station or knock on some stranger's door...kwim? i've only been there once with the twins club, and it was horribly awkward. not to mention that it's located deep inside a huuuge neighborhood that's easy to get lost in. and about 25 minutes from me, in GOOD traffic. but maybe that's just me.
so, it's obious that some of us disagree about the locations. as there will always be some objections to anything, i vote to just keep it as it is and those of us who are willing to skip a social because of where it is held may do so. honestly, i won't skip a Hampstead social, since it will only be once this year. but i won't attend regular playdates there."
response to my above post:
"Just because something hasn't gotten shut down, that does not mean it's safe. And it's one thing to be willing to accept certain risks for yourself and your children, but to go on that people who choose to be more conscious of these things than you are depriving their children of a well-rounded outdoor experience or living in a bubble is not fair, and frankly just plain rude."
and my retort:
"i certainly didn't mean to imply that others are depriving their children of anything. it is, of course, each family's prerogative to decide where they prefer or don't prefer to go, and for whatever reason. i am simply expressing MY views; that i'm not as worried about these things as many of you are, and if that makes me seem irresponsible (or rude for saying so), i apologize. my kids (and i) get bored with the same old parks -- there was a point not too long ago when the mention of going to possum creek was met with a chorus of "NOOO! not again!!"... and thus, we haven't been there in a while.
so i like to mix things up. and it has become obvious that things need mixing up in GAP, so forgive me if i am increasingly frustrated with the fact that attempting to plan GAP events has been met with resistance in some form or another, and this is yet another example of that (the toxin issue, that is). so i got going on a tangent about it. sorry, i truly meant no offense. i suppose i should save such expressions of frustration for my personal blog.
and i was definitely not trying to be a sassafrass; my question is completely in ernest -- WHY haven't they removed the shredded tires if they are so harmful? is there something that can be done about that?"
"i guess i'm probably odd man out, but...
i personally don't have much of a problem with the shredded tires. i've heard all the research about the toxins, but we don't go to such parks often enough for me to be concerned. i've never had headaches, clothing stains, or stink issues from it either. my biggest complaint about it is the pieces that get into my shoes (and my kids usually end up barefoot at these parks. it really is a shame, because i personally find both san felasco and squirrel ridge to be great parks, with lots of room to run around and trails to walk, etc. i have no problem taking my kids to those two parks on occasion.
and btw (slightly OT tangent here), i was wondering, if the shredded tires are so toxic, why are they still there? anyone who's been in g-ville as long as i have may remember KidSpace, a REALLY awesome playground that was THE place to play in this town once upon a time. when they discovered toxins in the wood (or the ground, or something -- i was young), they promptly closed it and tore it down. i am wondering why this has not happened to the shredded tire playgrounds??? (or at least why they haven't proposed replacing the shreds with mulch, etc.)
sandy playgrounds have just as much risk of exposure to toxins, imho. cats poop in the sand at night and leave a toxoplasmosis buffet available to any random toddler. remember the issue at the alachua splash park where a cat tracked contaminated sand into the water area, and it cycled through the sprinkler thingies and got abunch of kids really really sick?? i bet there are some of you that said immediately that you will NEVER take your kids there again. not me. i have to trust that the city took care of that, and my children and i are looking forward to frequenting it again this summer.
and creek-stomping. my kids love it. again, i've seen the research and determined that the risk is low enough in the areas that we stomp in that i am STILL willing to allow them to do it. it's not like we do it every day, and ya know, even if we did, i still wouldn't be too worried. we have a drainage ditch behind our house on 2 sides. that is a place that i do not allow my children to play. but pollution/toxins aren't even the main reason for that. it's the extra garbage that gets thrown in there, the fact that it's a deep ravine (and thus a trip/fall risk), and it's impossible for me to supervise it from my own property without climbing a tree (and then how am i helpful if someone needs me?). but there have been times that i've gone down there with them to catch minnows for the fish tank.
i just can't justify depriving my children of a well-rounded outdoor experience just because of these things, because you never know what's going to be deemed toxic next. pretty soon there will be NO more "non-toxic" play places in the world. next thing you know, rum island or ichetucknee will be found to be full of polutants and people will freak out if they find out you go there.
maybe it's the tomboy in me, maybe the gainesville native in me, maybe it's because i became a mom at a young age and therefore never really "grew up". maybe i'm just plain ignorant... whatever you want to call it. we just can't live in bubbles. it is absolutely impossible to avoid exposure to toxins. we can make our homes and cars and diets as toxin-free as possible, but the rest of the world will never be "safe".
[rant over]
also, i DO have a problem with Hampstead. i feel uncomfortable there, because it is private property and i'm about as far from a Haile housewife as i can get without missing most of my teeth and playing a banjo. plus, there are no bathrooms, and the thought of anyone (including adults) having a bathroom emergency and then either having to drive from the middle of nowhere to a gas station or knock on some stranger's door...kwim? i've only been there once with the twins club, and it was horribly awkward. not to mention that it's located deep inside a huuuge neighborhood that's easy to get lost in. and about 25 minutes from me, in GOOD traffic. but maybe that's just me.
so, it's obious that some of us disagree about the locations. as there will always be some objections to anything, i vote to just keep it as it is and those of us who are willing to skip a social because of where it is held may do so. honestly, i won't skip a Hampstead social, since it will only be once this year. but i won't attend regular playdates there."
response to my above post:
"Just because something hasn't gotten shut down, that does not mean it's safe. And it's one thing to be willing to accept certain risks for yourself and your children, but to go on that people who choose to be more conscious of these things than you are depriving their children of a well-rounded outdoor experience or living in a bubble is not fair, and frankly just plain rude."
and my retort:
"i certainly didn't mean to imply that others are depriving their children of anything. it is, of course, each family's prerogative to decide where they prefer or don't prefer to go, and for whatever reason. i am simply expressing MY views; that i'm not as worried about these things as many of you are, and if that makes me seem irresponsible (or rude for saying so), i apologize. my kids (and i) get bored with the same old parks -- there was a point not too long ago when the mention of going to possum creek was met with a chorus of "NOOO! not again!!"... and thus, we haven't been there in a while.
so i like to mix things up. and it has become obvious that things need mixing up in GAP, so forgive me if i am increasingly frustrated with the fact that attempting to plan GAP events has been met with resistance in some form or another, and this is yet another example of that (the toxin issue, that is). so i got going on a tangent about it. sorry, i truly meant no offense. i suppose i should save such expressions of frustration for my personal blog.
and i was definitely not trying to be a sassafrass; my question is completely in ernest -- WHY haven't they removed the shredded tires if they are so harmful? is there something that can be done about that?"
what's new with me
NAK...
well, it's official. we're ttc #5. if we have the same luck we've had in the past, i'll be pg within a few weeks. :D
excited and terrified at the same time, which i know is normal.
wanting a waterbirth at home this time since i distinctly remember the comfort that warm water submersion provided in past labors, although i was never able to deliver in the water. :( i wish my awesome midwife could do homebirths.
gonna try hypnobabies CDs to ease anxieties about birth. gotta re-read ina may's guide to childbirth -- so empowering.
getting through a cold at the moment. saline, benadryl, ibuprofen, and codeine. yay.
trying to help revive GAP, which has been suffering greatly as of late since the founding mama's husband is stage 4 melanoma and has very little time left. hoping to get a planning committee up and running soon.
recently joined a newly-formed local babywearing group. got to demonstrate slinging twinfants at the first meeting. :D
been knitting a lot lately. mostly soakers and toys. bartering toys for devin's tuition at morning meadow waldorf preschool. wish i could send both twins there next year, but waaay too expensive. hoping to list some things in my etsy store soon.
have been listing books for sale on amazon and diapers for sale on diaperswappers. need money!
applied for foodstamps. hubby got laid off last may and we've been living on a very inadequate unemployment wage -- $1152/month. not enough for 6 people. spent up all the assets just living, so now we're just about flat broke. :(
hubby is back in college. criminal justice major until police academy starts in May. having to appeal financial aid due to low GPA from 10 years ago. waiting on GI Bill $ too. still collecting unemployment until then.
need to have a garage sale.
yes, you could say that this is "not the right time" to be ttc. well, bugger off. having children is a spiritual need for me. my calling, so to speak. i can't wait for november when i'll be wearing and nursing my newest little'un. <3
well, it's official. we're ttc #5. if we have the same luck we've had in the past, i'll be pg within a few weeks. :D
excited and terrified at the same time, which i know is normal.
wanting a waterbirth at home this time since i distinctly remember the comfort that warm water submersion provided in past labors, although i was never able to deliver in the water. :( i wish my awesome midwife could do homebirths.
gonna try hypnobabies CDs to ease anxieties about birth. gotta re-read ina may's guide to childbirth -- so empowering.
getting through a cold at the moment. saline, benadryl, ibuprofen, and codeine. yay.
trying to help revive GAP, which has been suffering greatly as of late since the founding mama's husband is stage 4 melanoma and has very little time left. hoping to get a planning committee up and running soon.
recently joined a newly-formed local babywearing group. got to demonstrate slinging twinfants at the first meeting. :D
been knitting a lot lately. mostly soakers and toys. bartering toys for devin's tuition at morning meadow waldorf preschool. wish i could send both twins there next year, but waaay too expensive. hoping to list some things in my etsy store soon.
have been listing books for sale on amazon and diapers for sale on diaperswappers. need money!
applied for foodstamps. hubby got laid off last may and we've been living on a very inadequate unemployment wage -- $1152/month. not enough for 6 people. spent up all the assets just living, so now we're just about flat broke. :(
hubby is back in college. criminal justice major until police academy starts in May. having to appeal financial aid due to low GPA from 10 years ago. waiting on GI Bill $ too. still collecting unemployment until then.
need to have a garage sale.
yes, you could say that this is "not the right time" to be ttc. well, bugger off. having children is a spiritual need for me. my calling, so to speak. i can't wait for november when i'll be wearing and nursing my newest little'un. <3
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