i
totally yelled yesterday. like, borderline screaming rage...well, not
screaming, not red-hot shaking, not really rage, just "i've fucking had
it!"-type [loud] rant. i didn't name-call or anything...so to
speak...okay maybe i did say something about ungrateful children...a
couple of times. i was ranting about about holiday stress. i was
trying to get the kids to help tidy the house after the holiday week
trashing, they were whining about decorating for winter/xmas bc i said
we could on dec. 1st. but the house was trashed and i said we can't
decorate a trashed house. totally logical, right?
well they
didn't seem to get the connection, and nobody was doing anything,
including my husband. i am stressed out trying to make gifts bc we are
broke and i am crafty and have lots of supplies. i clearly expressed my
anxiety about holing up in my studio to work while the house is a mess,
bc the mess will get worse if i'm not around to help reign it in (i.e.
supervise!). the house is extra trashed bc hubs and i have been
sleeping in (since there was no school last week) and the kids are
unsupervised for a couple of hours each morning which means mischief
galore...despite our attempt to curb it by leaving the room with the tv
unlocked and tuned into pbs. guess my kids are tired of tv! (good
thing i suppose). ANYWAY, the mess is not really that bad if you think
about 7 ppl pitching in. an hour would do it. but no one wants to
freakin help. okay, i'm rambling...
so, as usual, my tantrum
was triggered by no one respecting my need for peace and order (if we
want to get all NVC about it) and my clear and respectful (if repeated)
requests for help. it was getting toward the end of the day and i was
panicking that no one would do their jobs for the day, then it would be
time to go to grandma's for dinner and that would eat up the rest of the
evening until bedtime! so i lost it. i ranted about holiday stress,
ungrateful children, no one helping me, etc. i don't even remember. i
wasn't even talking to anyone in particular, just ranting while
violently unloading the dryer and transferring the wet clean stuff in
(lol). so everyone is begrudgingly doing some pickup/put away as i
continue to rant. (they did make a decent dent so it was okay later.)
so then i announced i wasn't going to the ILs' for dinner bc i needed a
break. so i got a couple of hours to myself to recharge. and i will
admit i took some anxiety medication to help me calm down and
recenter myself. it helped a lot. i was calm and loving/playful when
they got home.
so i don't even know how i could have done
things differently. this was a case of me feeling disrespected and
worthless...walked all over...because my repeated requests were
repeatedly ignored. EVERYBODY KNOWS that mama needs peace and order, and
that starts with a clean house. i mean, that's one of the reasons i
put them in school! i could not stand living in chaos anymore! i am
able to PLAY when i am not bogged down with mental clutter caused by
environmental clutter. why wouldn't they want that? you would think
they would notice that and want to help. i have certainly verbalized it
enough times; pointed out the connection between mama's moods and the
level of order in the home. everyone plays better, not just me! the
house stays company-ready (or close to it) during the school week, and
even on weekends i'm okay with the extra mess bc i know come monday i
will be able to get things right again. and they do help. our rhythm
just got all fucked up last week. i'm proud that i made it almost all
the way through the 9 days without losing it, but now i'm disappointed
that i failed at the very end! argh.
today, things are finally
quiet, but there are 5 loads of laundry to fold and the sink is
overflowing with dishes. i asked hubs to do them yesterday (twice) and
then again this morning (twice). he has now left for his jobs and still
they sit in the sink. so now, once again, i have to do them myself. 3
days worth of dishes. FFS.
my husband repeatedly says he'll do something and then doesn't follow
through. so in the interest of NOT being a martyr, i do it myself
because (bear with me here) i'm doing it for ME--no one else seems to give a shit if the house is a
shambles. and many times i have asked
him to do something and then started to do it myself within minutes, i
guess as sort of a point that it needs to get done NOW, not just
whenever he feels like it, if he even remembers.
the
NVC formula works wonders sometimes. saying "would you be willing..."
puts the option to do good for someone else into their hands, and people
like to help others bc it gives them satisfaction. i just feel like
i'm the only one putting forth an effort to be compassionate and
empathetic around here. my husband's version of getting ppl to help
involves turning into a drill instructor. he feeds off my moods so when
i get upset about stuff he steps in a deals with it...meanly. it does
not make things better.
the
thing with the kids is that we have made chores/jobs/tasks a mandatory
part of daily life, and they have come to accept that (if begrudgingly
sometimes). so
when they are just wanting to play (and add to the mess) all day, i get
frustrated. i really think the screw-up in our rhythm is what made
things so bad. i had to trade the screentime rules for extra sleep (the
need for which was brought on by more couple time at night...staying up
way too late), and normally they have to do their daily jobs before
getting screen time, which is strictly limited under normal
circumstances. having unlimited screentime caused them to self-regulate
and it lost it's novelty (a good thing). so then it turned to "we
can't go anywhere until the jobs are done". but then they got involved
in playing (another good thing) and the desire to go somewhere
disappeared. result: no more ammo for me. and who am i to disrupt one
thing i desire very much from my children--that they are happily playing
all day long, no screens, no field trips?
it
was just the one day. the week in general was pretty relaxed. i think
i was just starting to panic bc things got so out of the ordinary. i
like routine, i like order, and i like my alone time. those needs are
met while they are at school. i'll be okay for the next 3 weeks but
then winter break starts and it will be TWO weeks of everyone home, PLUS
the holidays. omfg. i guess i will have to be more prepared for that
than i was for this. live and learn.
the tentative plan: try
to keep the routine, i guess. the tricky part is the sleeping in
thing. we are not morning people, and getting up at 6am on school days
is the pits. sleeping in till 8am is a treat, but the kids still get up
at 6! i have a feeling we will be adjusting the bedtime over winter
break. let the kids stay up a little later (than 8pm) and maybe they'll
sleep in a little later than 6am. we like night time festivities
anyway, fires, movies, etc. so we will have to spend the last 3 nights
getting back into the 8p-6a groove before school starts again (to avoid
monster-children), but perhaps it's worth that price.
i
think i'm becoming agoraphobic. or i always have been but have just
had to deal with it for the sake of everyone else. i like being at
home. i don't get cabin fever. lately i mostly only leave for errands
or babysitting jobs. i haven't been going to church, and i don't miss
it. i like having friends over, but i generally don't want to go
anywhere. it's like this one vehicle thing (going on 5 months now) + 4
out of 5 kids in school (almost 4 months) is allowing the agoraphobic in
me to blossom, so to speak. i've always had social anxiety (with
strangers -- hate small talk) and claustrophobia, fear of heights...all
symptoms. i'm not *afraid* to leave my house, i just don't want to, and
will avoid it whenever possible. i am thankful that i have the one-car
thing as an excuse. or maybe i *am*
afraid. i don't know. i have always "joked" that if i wasn't married
with children, i would be a hermit in the mountains somewhere, like the
grandfather in Heidi. this is weird. maybe this is just some strange
manifestation of depression. or maybe i am still recovering from 5 years
of homeschooling with 4+ spirited children with me 24/7. or maybe i'm
feeling apathetic about my marriage/life bc i'm thinking too deeply about the past. maybe all of
it. maybe i have just given up on some things bc the current (very
multifaceted) situation has ripped so many things out of my hands, so in
order to survive i have had to just surrender and not care anymore.
