Friday, July 11, 2014

trauma vs. romance

i am in the weirdest place right now. stuck between the emotions regarding my estranged husband's suicide attempt and the emotions of a wonderful budding romance that has survived it. anger and sadness combined with heart-melting elation? so confusing. and i am being ridiculed from all angles for being "happy" right now. for being concerned about how this drama could affect this new flirtationship that is so precious to me. for not getting rid of the chair drew shot himself in. shame on me for remaining on my onward/upward track? i have never been so happy in my life as i have been since the minute drew walked out the door, new man friend or not. suicide attempt or not. does that make me a terrible, heartless person?
i am angry at drew for being so selfish and pulling such a dick move as to try to kill himself in a place where his children would most likely have been the ones to find him. for traumatizing me. i will never, ever forget the surreal sight of the hole in his chest. the ragged, torn shirt, the blood on my hand. the horrified scream-wail i let out. the hateful look on his face as he looked at me and said "i loved you." watching his eyes close as he lost consciousness. the moment i accepted that he was going to die in my arms. the moans he let out as his lung filled with blood. the spent bullet on the floor. the circle of blood on the chair. the sight of him in a coma. the first words he uttered as he came out of sedation ("i want. the glock.").
i am angry at him for traumatizing kieran (who still refuses to talk about it and just says "sometimes you just need to be sad for a while"). for destroying our children's innocence. for being the reason my 3 year old said yesterday "my daddy's in the hospital. he's getting better. he shoots hisself." for not getting the help that dozens of people were encouraging him to get. for being the reason that those same dozens of people are now blaming me for all of this because i broke his heart and abandoned him -- no one cares to hear that i tried to help him for years, and that as he spiraled downward and was not receptive to my relentless attempts to help him, he dragged the whole family down with him and i finally HAD to end the marriage for everyone else's sake. that was not a decision that came lightly.
i have been torn apart by a bunch of people i don't even know, and that was fine until one person i really really love finally turned against me. that made me cry. a lot. and now i just fucking HATE drew for it. i refuse to do anything else for him anymore, the thought of being in the same building makes me sick. he refuses to apologize for traumatizing me (and kieran) and still maintains that him dying would be the best thing for all of us, because "they'll be fine and you'll be free." selfish son of a bitch. i won't even take the kids to see him -- his parents have to do that because i just might punch him in his fucking face.
my sister is crying that i am not being compassionate enough to my loved ones, that i am not sad enough and that is wrong. wtf? i was there. i had my hysteria in the actual moment. i dealt with this man's bullshit for over a decade. his narcissistic pity parties became wolf-cries long ago. i stayed with him long after the marriage died (7 fucking years ago; the night he strangled me) because i KNEW that his fucked up self would not deal well with me leaving. his suicide attempt was not unexpected. i tried to stop him. divine intervention woke me up that night, and i spent 30 minutes trying to talk his drunk ass of the ledge before i realized that it was futile and called 911. then i saved his life by holding pressure on the wound, which slowed the internal bleeding enough for him to make it to surgery (and he still ended up with 3 transfusions). yet so many people still believe that i don't love him or care about him at all. these people don't understand love, and they definitely don't understand mental illness.
people are so fucking concerned about my children. they are fine. they don't even really understand what happened. i took them to crisis counseling. people are ridiculing me for disappearing for 2 days right after it happened and "pawning" my kids off on others. they were with loving friends who fed them, entertained them, loved them. I WAS IN NO CONDITION TO CARE FOR ANYONE ELSE. why can't people understand this? yes, it was my new man friend who took care of me. why is that so inappropriate? it's not like it was a romantic vacation. it was an amazing act of compassion on his part. he made me eat, cuddled me, even stayed in town for one more night when he was supposed to go out of town for a work emergency. i fielded over 100 phone calls in 48 hours, not to mention the dozens of texts and PMs. sitting vigil at drew's bedside while he was critical and then as they attempted to bring him out of sedation. dealing with next-of-kin duties. it was fucking exhausting. had i been in charge of my children, they would not have gotten any attention from me anyway. i made sure they were safe and taken care of by loving friends that i trust and they like when i was unable to function enough to care for them. is that not me being a good mom?
i've lost 12 lbs in a month, which puts me 2 lbs *below* my goal weight. i haven't weighed this little in 11 years (4 babies ago!). i'm really not complaining -- in fact, it makes me think i could actually get back down to my 19 year old pre-baby weight (only 6 more lbs), and i have no desire to stop this pattern because i am liking the results. my new man thinks i'm sexy as hell and for some reason that makes me want to lose more weight (??).
i don't have a history of eating disorders or anything. i just have no appetite. at first it was from the excitement of dating this amazing new guy, then stress from dealing with a severely mentally ill ex and processing the trauma i experienced the night he shot himself. i eat only when i'm shaky from low blood sugar. yesterday all i ate was a handful of crackers with about 1/2 C of chicken salad, and then later, half an avocado. i'm quite certain that i have become vitamin deficient, but cannot bear the thought of taking a multivitamin on a perpetually empty stomach, because that will make me feel sick. i guess i'm just waiting for this to pass...
whew. just had to get that shit off my chest.