Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Lonliness, part 2

I just had to stop yesterday, but there is so much more to say... but it's so hard to find the words... So here we go again:

I never in my life imagined missing Drew SO truly, madly, deeply (sorry, I had to). Never. This experience is so unlike any other, and one that can't possibly be understood until you go through it yourself (which I would HAPPILY wish upon my enemies).

That is why it has become my goal to try and express it as thoroughly as possible. I welcome feedback, too. I know that yesterday's blog was viewed 21 times, but only ONE person felt enough to comment on it (thanks Shelby!).

I know that everyone thinks they have been SO in love, or has experienced the heartbreak that I feel, but the truth is, everyone's experiences are radically different depending on exact circumstances. I can't even say that other wives of deployed marines know how this is for me, because how does anyone know if their love runs as deep as Drew's and mine? Is anyone else's marriage as magickal as ours? I only know one couple who (in my opinion) can compare, and they are not in the military.

I can't describe how insanely jealous I am when I see a couple together. I want to ask the woman if she realizes just how lucky she is that she has her man next to her. Safe. Within touching distance. There to talk to, laugh with, even fight with! What I wouldn't give to be able to have a good screaming argument with Drew, in person, right now. Yes, I even miss the shitty things.

I miss losing sleep because of his incessent snoring. I miss waking up shivering in the middle of the night because somehow he has acquired ALL of the covers. I miss sleeping crammed into the side of the bed because he has somehow managed to take up the ENTIRE king sized bed. And that's just what I miss about sleeping. He really is a horrible bedmate, but I don't give a fuck. He's my husband, and I want him back.

I miss watching him interact with our children, feeling that surge of love strike my heart as I see how this man that I love so much melts into a puddle of tenderness when he sees his life's blood. Seeing how becomming a father has softened him in some ways and hardened him in others... there's just no describing the feeling that ensues.

I miss laying awake in the dark, pillow talking with him instead of getting much-needed sleep. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him there next to me, sleeping soundly, and repositioning myself so that we are two spoons nestled in a drawer. I love how I fit so perfectly in his strong arms.

I hate how I've become so emotionally vulnerable. I hate how every damn song I hear has to remind me of him, somehow, inevitably. I hate how I love him so goddamn much. I hate how much I need him to function properly. I hate that this experience has broken me; turned me into a blithering idiot.

I hate how my hard exterior is crumbling. I hate that the strong-willed, independent woman I was has given way to a cowering, weak cry-baby. I hate how I can't even get through writing a fuckin blog without soaking the keyboard with my pussyfied tears.

I hate how this experience is driving me to expose my deepest, previously well-hidden emotions to anyone with a myspace account! But I don't even really care anymore. I want the whole world to know how this war is breaking the military family members.

And don't forget about the permanent effects this whole damn thing will have on the poor guys serving our country! Try for one second to imagine the magnitude of problems that each and every one of them is going to have to deal with every day for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. And of course, how their loved ones will be affected, residually.

War breaks people, and damages relationships. Drew and I will eagerly crash into eachother's arms when the time comes, and cling to eachother, each needing our combined strength, however depleted, to recover and somehow carry on with our strange new way of life.

And now, I need a nap. I'm just too emotionally exhausted to be conscious right now.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Lonliness, part 1

I wish I could describe just what life is like for me these days.

Try to imagine a bowling ball sitting in your chest, suspended by your heartstrings, so heavy that sometimes you feel like you can't breathe.

Try to imagine loving someone so much that life without him is absolutely unbearable, pointless and painful.

Imagine having countless songs remind you of him, or the lack of him, stabbing so deeply you must pull together every last bit of self control you have to keep from breaking down into uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs.

Imagine living every minute of every day wondering if this person you love so deeply is safe, or even still alive.

There's no one to talk to in the dark of your bedroom at night.

The person on whom you lean the most, who knows you better than you know yourself, who knows exactly how and when to comfort you...he's not there.

He's not there to share the burdens of parenthood, chores, and obligations.

He's not there to watch the children growing and learning more every day. These memories are and always will be yours alone.

Imagine not being able to do the things you do best to comfort and take care of him.

You can't see him.

You can't hear him.

You can't smell his scent or touch his body.

You can't feel his warmth next to you in your big, cold, empty bed.

You don't have his feet and legs to entertwine yours with as you fall asleep at night.

You can't remind him to take his meds/vitamins.

You can't pour that extra mug of coffee in the morning.

You can't fall asleep with his arm nestled around your neck, his fingers delicately wandering through your hair, drooling on his right nipple while he sits up reading till wee hours.

Imagine your heart barely holding itself together, ready to disintigrate at any moment.

Now imagine that these feelings are not caused by being dumped, blown off, ignored, or misunderstood.

Not caused by divorce.

Not caused by widowing.

Not incarceration or a conventional lengthy business trip.

It is worse...much worse.

He's alive, he loves me, he misses me, he wants to be here with me. We are happily married. We have three children who he loves and misses deeply.

But we can't be together. Because of this stupid fucking "war."

He's been gone for nearly SEVEN MONTHS.

Thats close to TWO HUNDRED DAYS our home has not been his residence.

I haven't touched him in 86 days.

We are separated by 3000 miles of ocean and hostile desert.

He now sleeps with a gun in his arms, instead of me.

I will not be whole again until I replace that gun.

Until then, I am a deeply fragmented version of who I was.

I am now broken.


And numb.