Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Lonliness, part 2

I just had to stop yesterday, but there is so much more to say... but it's so hard to find the words... So here we go again:

I never in my life imagined missing Drew SO truly, madly, deeply (sorry, I had to). Never. This experience is so unlike any other, and one that can't possibly be understood until you go through it yourself (which I would HAPPILY wish upon my enemies).

That is why it has become my goal to try and express it as thoroughly as possible. I welcome feedback, too. I know that yesterday's blog was viewed 21 times, but only ONE person felt enough to comment on it (thanks Shelby!).

I know that everyone thinks they have been SO in love, or has experienced the heartbreak that I feel, but the truth is, everyone's experiences are radically different depending on exact circumstances. I can't even say that other wives of deployed marines know how this is for me, because how does anyone know if their love runs as deep as Drew's and mine? Is anyone else's marriage as magickal as ours? I only know one couple who (in my opinion) can compare, and they are not in the military.

I can't describe how insanely jealous I am when I see a couple together. I want to ask the woman if she realizes just how lucky she is that she has her man next to her. Safe. Within touching distance. There to talk to, laugh with, even fight with! What I wouldn't give to be able to have a good screaming argument with Drew, in person, right now. Yes, I even miss the shitty things.

I miss losing sleep because of his incessent snoring. I miss waking up shivering in the middle of the night because somehow he has acquired ALL of the covers. I miss sleeping crammed into the side of the bed because he has somehow managed to take up the ENTIRE king sized bed. And that's just what I miss about sleeping. He really is a horrible bedmate, but I don't give a fuck. He's my husband, and I want him back.

I miss watching him interact with our children, feeling that surge of love strike my heart as I see how this man that I love so much melts into a puddle of tenderness when he sees his life's blood. Seeing how becomming a father has softened him in some ways and hardened him in others... there's just no describing the feeling that ensues.

I miss laying awake in the dark, pillow talking with him instead of getting much-needed sleep. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him there next to me, sleeping soundly, and repositioning myself so that we are two spoons nestled in a drawer. I love how I fit so perfectly in his strong arms.

I hate how I've become so emotionally vulnerable. I hate how every damn song I hear has to remind me of him, somehow, inevitably. I hate how I love him so goddamn much. I hate how much I need him to function properly. I hate that this experience has broken me; turned me into a blithering idiot.

I hate how my hard exterior is crumbling. I hate that the strong-willed, independent woman I was has given way to a cowering, weak cry-baby. I hate how I can't even get through writing a fuckin blog without soaking the keyboard with my pussyfied tears.

I hate how this experience is driving me to expose my deepest, previously well-hidden emotions to anyone with a myspace account! But I don't even really care anymore. I want the whole world to know how this war is breaking the military family members.

And don't forget about the permanent effects this whole damn thing will have on the poor guys serving our country! Try for one second to imagine the magnitude of problems that each and every one of them is going to have to deal with every day for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. And of course, how their loved ones will be affected, residually.

War breaks people, and damages relationships. Drew and I will eagerly crash into eachother's arms when the time comes, and cling to eachother, each needing our combined strength, however depleted, to recover and somehow carry on with our strange new way of life.

And now, I need a nap. I'm just too emotionally exhausted to be conscious right now.

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