Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Lonliness, part 1

I wish I could describe just what life is like for me these days.

Try to imagine a bowling ball sitting in your chest, suspended by your heartstrings, so heavy that sometimes you feel like you can't breathe.

Try to imagine loving someone so much that life without him is absolutely unbearable, pointless and painful.

Imagine having countless songs remind you of him, or the lack of him, stabbing so deeply you must pull together every last bit of self control you have to keep from breaking down into uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs.

Imagine living every minute of every day wondering if this person you love so deeply is safe, or even still alive.

There's no one to talk to in the dark of your bedroom at night.

The person on whom you lean the most, who knows you better than you know yourself, who knows exactly how and when to comfort you...he's not there.

He's not there to share the burdens of parenthood, chores, and obligations.

He's not there to watch the children growing and learning more every day. These memories are and always will be yours alone.

Imagine not being able to do the things you do best to comfort and take care of him.

You can't see him.

You can't hear him.

You can't smell his scent or touch his body.

You can't feel his warmth next to you in your big, cold, empty bed.

You don't have his feet and legs to entertwine yours with as you fall asleep at night.

You can't remind him to take his meds/vitamins.

You can't pour that extra mug of coffee in the morning.

You can't fall asleep with his arm nestled around your neck, his fingers delicately wandering through your hair, drooling on his right nipple while he sits up reading till wee hours.

Imagine your heart barely holding itself together, ready to disintigrate at any moment.

Now imagine that these feelings are not caused by being dumped, blown off, ignored, or misunderstood.

Not caused by divorce.

Not caused by widowing.

Not incarceration or a conventional lengthy business trip.

It is worse...much worse.

He's alive, he loves me, he misses me, he wants to be here with me. We are happily married. We have three children who he loves and misses deeply.

But we can't be together. Because of this stupid fucking "war."

He's been gone for nearly SEVEN MONTHS.

Thats close to TWO HUNDRED DAYS our home has not been his residence.

I haven't touched him in 86 days.

We are separated by 3000 miles of ocean and hostile desert.

He now sleeps with a gun in his arms, instead of me.

I will not be whole again until I replace that gun.

Until then, I am a deeply fragmented version of who I was.

I am now broken.


And numb.

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