Sunday, February 26, 2006

complaining again...

i am in a foul disposition. i am fighting with my husband over something he sees as trivial, and i'm being stubborn in wanting to get my point across, but at the same time, i am desperate to have him kiss my feet and beg for forgiveness. i feel panic because there is a conflict that is hanging in the air, as we are seperated by 500 miles and 2 busy schedules. i miss him so much it literally causes chest pain (heartache), but i am hurting and offended and wanting to make it better but not wanting to back down. what the fuck is up with these damn marital mind games?!

he'll be home in 6 days for leave and i am freaking out about THAT because we have an unresolved conflict right now. this week is supposed to be exciting and happy, preparing for a blissful 2 weeks of love and laughs (i should write greeting cards), but instead i'm depressed and laying on the couch all day waiting for him to call and apologize. he and i are both so bull-headed, though, that i feel like neither of us will EVER give in!!

every time we fight, we'll do the silent treatment thing, and 98% of the time, it's ME that gives in, just to keep the peace! every time, i tell myself..."not this time..." and everytime, i can't wait and i make the first move. the shittiest part is, though, that now he KNOWS i'll cave first. so he never will. it makes me feel like i'm the desperate, co-dependant one, and he has control of me. i HATE that!


what the fuck. i'll just go curl up inour big, empty bed and cry now. i can only take so much.

Friday, February 17, 2006

for those of you who think i'm "happy"

This is for those of you who read my profile and conclude that I am "happy." Yes, I AM happily married to the love of my life, but right now I am in no way "happy." My soul mate is 500 miles away from me, I haven't seen him in 6 weeks (and counting), and I am managing a household AND THREE SMALL CHILDREN all by myself.

I have VERY little down time, and the chores/housework never end!!! I am struggling to be a good mom, good wife, and preserve my mental health all at the same time. That means squeezing about 40 hours worth of work/duties/activities into a 24 hour day (this includes trying to get 8 hours of sleep). There is never enough time or energy for everything. Granted, my in-laws have been VERY helpful, often bending over backwards to help me out, but it's still not enough. No amount of "help" can replace a spouse.

On top of all that, I am constantly reminded by various sources (the media being one, my own imagination another) that my husband will be entering a VERY DANGEROUS war zone for the second time in his life in just a few short weeks. I wonder how it's going to turn out. Will he come home alive? Injured and/or disabled?? In a flag-draped pine box??? Completely traumatized? What will happen to ME?

Take someone with PTSD and put him right back where he got it in the first place and what do you think will happen? Will the effect be compounded? Exponentially? How will I deal with that? CAN I deal with that?

Will I lash out at him because he "left me" all alone to deal with our life by myself? Will I hate him for it? Will he hate ME for it? Will our children remember him?




Now, these are all the negative aspects; I generally try not to think about these things too much, and I am ever optimistic. Our marriage is as rock-solid as it can be considering all the bumps we've had in our road (some of you know what I'm talking about; some may not). I think the likelihood of it all turning out okay is fairly high, but the journey to that outcome will be loooong and very trying for us both. And lots of drugs and counseling are going to be needed to help us along. OBVIOUSLY. (<--that was for you, Shelby)

Anyway, I just wanted everyone to know that I am NOT terribly happy with life right now. Call me selfish or co-dependant if you want (and I'm sure I am a little of both), but I need my Drew. Without him I just don't work. The next 9 months will be the most difficult of my life (and Drew's, I'm sure), and I'm hanging on by a thin thread as it is.

Just had to get that out there. And now it is. In cyberspace. ***sigh***