Saturday, February 25, 2012

Six Senses Saturday


Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. Yup. I'm a Twilight fan. (Team Edward, in case you are wondering ;)). I devoured the books years ago (much to my housework's chagrin, heehee) and LOVED them. I have never been into vampire anything, so this is it for me! So of course I have to keep up with (and own) all of the corresponding movies! :) I went to see this one in the theater on Thanksgiving day with a gal pal (and NO ONE ELSE - WOOT!) and then just purchased it at my local Portal To Hell Walmart last week. LURVE.


My whiny baby cry a lot. She's always been a crotchety old man trapped in a fat baby girl, but now she's getting over a cold AND cutting 2 canines. I am so over hearing her cry. I have been tending to her needs her whole life, and I wholeheartedly ascribe to attachment parenting philosophy, but there comes a point when...well, let's just say I have (not-so-)jokingly referred to her as "The Baby Who Cried Wolf" (if that makes any sense) on more than one occasion recently. She is just so. damn. fussy. Wears me out.


Yarn. And fabric. I have been crafting. It's part of my... "therapy". It's what I have been doing during my alone time.

As for sewing, I have been making soakers and longies out of old wool sweaters, and then my most recent endeavor has been upcycling some of my late grandmother's wool skirts into double-layer wrap-style diaper covers. I have a favorite fleece wrap that I have been trying to copy and I think I've just about got it down, 3 prototypes in. I plan to do up a tutorial for this here blog when I am confident that it is worth sharing. :)

As for knitting, I am currently working on 2 soakers. (I am obsessed. My baby really doesn't need as many as she has, but I am refreshing her stash, so there!) Then tonight I cast on the Pebble, something I have seen many times over at SouleMama, but wasn't sure how I felt about it until I saw it made in pink for a baby girl (lurve!). AND, I didn't realize until today that 1) the pattern is free (score!), and 2) REALLY simple (double score!). So tonight, as I watched TBDP1 (think about it?), I cast on a Pebble for Brigit, in lavender cotton, to be worn alone as a tank top this coming summer (this is Florida, you know. It's often pointless to knit warm woolies...). Pics to come when it is finished, I assure you! :)


Not much of anything. We are having major pollen around here, and it turns out I'm allergic to pine! I mean, I've had allergies for-like-ever, but this is the first year that I've paid attention to WHAT pollen was actually in the air when I'm having symptoms, and that's only because I noticed that I wasn't having symptoms back during the last pollen season, which was in the fall. That was cedar. Not allergic. Pine? CHECK - VERY ALLERGIC. So I've had this cold - or is it hay fever? Who knows...whatever it is (probably both, because hay fever isn't contagious and we've all been sick...but I supposed it is possible that we all have the same allergies!), there has been lots of sneezing and snot, hoarseness and a slight dry, itchy, scratchy cough. I actually lost my voice the other day. I was talking in this silly high-pitched "voice", which was so weird because I have a rather robust voice for a woman (I sing alto, if that says anything). Using Sinupret and garlic oil pills to try and kick this sucker to the curb.


My snack of choice lately has been popcorn (the horrible, chemical drenched microwave kind, of which my husband purchased 4 boxes, because they were BOGO and he thought he was doing a good thing, bless him). It's hidden from the children in the coat closet because they are not allowed to eat such junk (I'm such a hypocrite), so I've been sneaking it after they go to bed.

I also found a very old box (yes, box) of Twizzlers, another vice of mine (that's like, all HFCS and red dye - ACK!), in my craft room...I've indulged in a few of those here and there recently...bad crunchy mama!

I need to get back on the wagon of healthy snacks (which I do love!)...I love apples and peanut butter, and I actually got to eat that the other night! It's rare that I get to eat apples. My children consume them like water. I would venture to guess that we go through 10-15 POUNDS of apples a week. And considering that apples are #1 on the Dirty Dozen list so I buy the organic ones, that's a lotta money spent on apples!! But I swear, every time I want to eat apples and peanut butter, we are fresh out of apples, dammit. :/

I bought 10 avocados that were BOGO a week or so ago, and of course they all ripened at once and by the time I realized it, they were overripe and mealy and gross. Not even worth making guac or anything...and I don't even really like guac anymore since I've eaten so many avocados straight (yummm). Guac tastes weird to me now!


[This may not really fall under "intuiting", but it didn't really seem to belong under "feeling" as a sense, either] As several of my recent posts have shown, my feelings have been all over the place, but generally leaning toward the SHIT-TAY end of that spectrum. I've been "ill" since I hit puberty, so I know by now what "symptoms" to watch for and how to treat them. (I put all these illness-related terms in quotes bc being mentally ill is not commonly equated with being "sick", although that is what it is - a chronic illness! I use the terms as a kind of hybrid analogy, if you will.) Anyhoo, it sucks that I often have to get close to rock-bottom before I realize things are that bad, but I do know what needs to be done to pull me out. It just takes time. It's a slow, painful process, and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I will at least get to a point when I will not HATE so many things anymore. I'm just working on it, and waiting for that day.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

"Why didn't I do this sooner?"

so. lots of changes since i quit smoking. more time in the thick of things, less time hiding out on the porch, sitting in my tattered old la-z-boy, computer in lap. a LOT less time on facebook...

i didn't want to quit. i HAD to for money reasons. i still have some anger about this.

i ceased contact with the QuitLine people when, in one of the followup phone calls, i admitted that i'd "slipped" twice, and they changed my quit date to the last slip date. fuck that shit. i've put myself through hell to quit my pack-a-day habit. if i have a cig every now and then bc i've had a shitty shitty day or i'm out celebrating and drinking, then that does NOT count. that does NOT mean i am a smoker again. i don't care what they think, or what you think as to whether that counts. i'm no longer a pack-a-day smoker. THAT'S what counts.

so i have smoked 4 cigs in the past 48 days. normally, i would have smoked close to 1,000 cigs. !!! so suck on that, QuitLine. i guess i should give them some feedback about that, since re-setting my quit date is extremely discouraging and guilt-inducing.

i like that i no longer stink, that i am no longer spending ~$100/month on smokes, that i don't have to be ashamed or try to hide it. i like that my family is proud of me. i am proud of myself. i like that when my kids get sick with a cough, i no longer have to wonder if exposure to 2nd hand smoke is causing/aggravating it.

i love that i am more connected to my kids, that i am spending less time hiding out on the porch in my computer. granted, now i am at the dining room table, but still on the computer a lot bc that's where EVERYTHING I DO is. i mean, we get out of the house almost every day, but everything is tied to something online. this is my WORK. when i say work, i meant the stuff i do that makes me feel like a productive member of society. and i do it all for free. anyway...i am more present for my children, and being at the dining room table enables me to be there to answer questions and converse with them as they work on their art/craft projects and do their school work.

my view one day from my new perch (and playing with my new phone's cool camera options):

i DON'T like that i no longer have that immediate calming device. i have been an emotional wreck since i quit. crying, yelling, being numb. my bipolar disorder is so obvious right now. combination of hubs being gone too much (school and work) and me therefore not getting enough breaks from the kids (and it has ONCE AGAIN been suggested to me that maybe i should think about putting the kids in school...uh, no, the ones who are the most high maintenance that i need breaks from are too young for school!!! AND, i would regret it, i promise you. school goes against my personal educational philosophy). so all that, plus the fact that i have essentially removed a mood stabilizer from my cocktail, and the fact that i have anger and resentment over the fact that i HAD to quit at all.

anger and resentment toward those who wanted me to quit so badly, the fact that it is a shameful, stinky, unhealthy addiction, the social stigma, etc. i LIKED having that crutch, i feel like i was forced into quitting. i kind of was.

i did back down on the wellbutrin again bc it was contributing to my extreme moodiness and irritability (constant hypomania + constant anger triggers! bad combo!), AND i laid down the law about needing major breaks so i can reclaim some identity, and both of those changes have helped a lot.

and every time i talk or write about it for any lengthy period of time, i want to smoke. hubs gave me one the other day when i was practically catatonic with apathy after pretty much hitting rock-bottom in the burnout department, but i set it on the wooden shelf in the kitchen and haven't smoked it yet. i might. i might not. 5 days of seeing it right there and i haven't smoked it. i really want to right now. so i'm going to end this entry and go refill my coffee, so that i can get my mind off of it and allow the craving to pass.

Monday, February 13, 2012

am i having a nervous breakdown?

i am so fuckin fucked up right now~ i don't know whether to call it depression or just the irritability of smoking withdrawal or the resentment surrounding quitting or if i need to back down on the wellbutrin or if i'm just plain sleep-deprived and break-deprived. i can't function. i guess it's depression. i'm totally burned out. i hate my house, i hate my life, i hate my children. (what a horrible thing for a mother to say!) i don't want to have to take care of anyone or anything. i guess that's the mindset of a spoiled child because i don't want to have to work or do any chores or have any commitments or obligations. but this isn't a snobbery thing. i am just so sick in my soul right now that i can't.function.

i want to be able to read, write, knit, sew, watch tv, eat, SLEEP, even clean/organize/purge --- all of this WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. i need a fucking vacation, is what i need.
B Y M Y S E L F. but i worry that i might not come back. and i'm so depressed that i have little interest in doing any of those things anyway. i WANT to knit, sew, write, watch tv, sleep, but strangely...i just...don't want to. no energy. no motivation. i'm even having to remind myself to eat.

or i need a staycation and everyoneelsegocation. i'll be getting a half-assed one of those this weekend when drew takes at least 2 kids to paintball (even though that leaves me with the two most high-maintenance of the children, sooooooo... not much of a break!), but how is that going to get me through the next 5 days??? even tonight i will send drew to his parents' house for dinner...and he doesn't know it yet but he'll be taking all the kids with him. and i will stay home and do whatever the fuck i want.

i'm so burnt out that i am going to need frequent, long breaks to recuperate from this wreck that i am these days. it's to the point that i need major breaks, like, all the time. i am in this so deep i don't know how long it's going to be before i don't need "intensive break therapy" (ha.) anymore. even having "just the baby" isn't cutting it anymore. i need more breaks from her, too. i feel consumed by her, by her needs, to which i am a slave. i just need.more.breaks. having a REALLY hard time adhering to the oxygen mask theory. i'm trying, but they are getting in the way, so i'm getting angry at them for preventing me from taking care of myself. like i'm to the point where i am seriously considering starting smoking again, just in case that's why i'm in such a funk. but the guilt about "failing" quitting would just make things worse, as well as throw me right back into the shameful social stigma. more guilt and shame? no thanks.

i went shopping for 9 hours on saturday. drew took the older kids to church yesterday and let me and the baby sleep in (not that it made a dent in the sleep deprivation since i have been up until 3, 4, 5am every night for perhaps over a week now for various reasons - AND i missed church, which means i missed my weekly spiritual recharge). i went to choir practice last thursday and then went for coffee with a friend after. gone for 4 hours. i'm getting a few hours alone this evening. i'm getting a few hours alone this coming thursday from grandma and then choir practice again thursday night. then this weekend with the paintball tournament (but that will still leave me with theyounger two, or at LEAST the baby).

i hope this all will help because right now the only thing i can think of that will really help would be running away. just packing up and leaving all of this. not that i would get far. i have no money of my own. and my littles are quite attached to me. and i am to them. although the way my mind has been lately i can feel the threads of attachment thinning, breaking...and not in a healthy, natural way. i feel pulled between the primal mother in me and the crazy, insecure, depressed, confused, lost, exhausted woman in which that primal mother resides.

i just want to hide.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Great Cloth Diaper Change 2012

So, I have decided that I don't already have enough on my plate (HA!) and volunteered to host our city's chapter of The Great Cloth Diaper Change 2012, which is an attempt to break the world record for the most cloth diapers changed at one time. It is a great way to show the world how many people are already choosing and using reusable cloth diapers successfully.

The event is still 10 weeks away (happening on 4/21/12), but I'm so excited! My co-host and I have grand plans for our little town (well, not so little -- population 120K and a very progressive, crunchy-friendly place!) . There is actually very little required to carry out the event, but we are going above and beyond. We have cute bumper stickers to sell, awesome items to raffle off and goodie bags for the participants that are going to be THE SHIT. We have contacted a TON of companies/manufacturers of various cloth-diaper-related and/or "crunchy" items, many of whom are sending us samples, coupons, or even full size products or gift baskets for our raffle!

Here are the (3"x5") bumper stickers we are selling.

And a T-shirt for the raffle (size 2T)

(I ordered all of the above from cafepress.)

After we recoup our expenses, all proceeds will go to the Real Diaper Association, a non-profit organization that provides support and education to parents all across North America for the use of simple, reusable cloth diapers.

More on this as it unfolds! :)