Saturday, February 18, 2012

"Why didn't I do this sooner?"

so. lots of changes since i quit smoking. more time in the thick of things, less time hiding out on the porch, sitting in my tattered old la-z-boy, computer in lap. a LOT less time on facebook...

i didn't want to quit. i HAD to for money reasons. i still have some anger about this.

i ceased contact with the QuitLine people when, in one of the followup phone calls, i admitted that i'd "slipped" twice, and they changed my quit date to the last slip date. fuck that shit. i've put myself through hell to quit my pack-a-day habit. if i have a cig every now and then bc i've had a shitty shitty day or i'm out celebrating and drinking, then that does NOT count. that does NOT mean i am a smoker again. i don't care what they think, or what you think as to whether that counts. i'm no longer a pack-a-day smoker. THAT'S what counts.

so i have smoked 4 cigs in the past 48 days. normally, i would have smoked close to 1,000 cigs. !!! so suck on that, QuitLine. i guess i should give them some feedback about that, since re-setting my quit date is extremely discouraging and guilt-inducing.

i like that i no longer stink, that i am no longer spending ~$100/month on smokes, that i don't have to be ashamed or try to hide it. i like that my family is proud of me. i am proud of myself. i like that when my kids get sick with a cough, i no longer have to wonder if exposure to 2nd hand smoke is causing/aggravating it.

i love that i am more connected to my kids, that i am spending less time hiding out on the porch in my computer. granted, now i am at the dining room table, but still on the computer a lot bc that's where EVERYTHING I DO is. i mean, we get out of the house almost every day, but everything is tied to something online. this is my WORK. when i say work, i meant the stuff i do that makes me feel like a productive member of society. and i do it all for free. anyway...i am more present for my children, and being at the dining room table enables me to be there to answer questions and converse with them as they work on their art/craft projects and do their school work.

my view one day from my new perch (and playing with my new phone's cool camera options):

i DON'T like that i no longer have that immediate calming device. i have been an emotional wreck since i quit. crying, yelling, being numb. my bipolar disorder is so obvious right now. combination of hubs being gone too much (school and work) and me therefore not getting enough breaks from the kids (and it has ONCE AGAIN been suggested to me that maybe i should think about putting the kids in school...uh, no, the ones who are the most high maintenance that i need breaks from are too young for school!!! AND, i would regret it, i promise you. school goes against my personal educational philosophy). so all that, plus the fact that i have essentially removed a mood stabilizer from my cocktail, and the fact that i have anger and resentment over the fact that i HAD to quit at all.

anger and resentment toward those who wanted me to quit so badly, the fact that it is a shameful, stinky, unhealthy addiction, the social stigma, etc. i LIKED having that crutch, i feel like i was forced into quitting. i kind of was.

i did back down on the wellbutrin again bc it was contributing to my extreme moodiness and irritability (constant hypomania + constant anger triggers! bad combo!), AND i laid down the law about needing major breaks so i can reclaim some identity, and both of those changes have helped a lot.

and every time i talk or write about it for any lengthy period of time, i want to smoke. hubs gave me one the other day when i was practically catatonic with apathy after pretty much hitting rock-bottom in the burnout department, but i set it on the wooden shelf in the kitchen and haven't smoked it yet. i might. i might not. 5 days of seeing it right there and i haven't smoked it. i really want to right now. so i'm going to end this entry and go refill my coffee, so that i can get my mind off of it and allow the craving to pass.

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