Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"where'd you go?"

I heard this song for the first time sitting in the parking lot of Savannah Grande the day Shelby's little sister graduated high school. I heard it and my jaw nearly dropped. Even though it's about a musician's wife, the references to hating him being away all the time and her being sick of his career all ring true for me.

I think every deployed marine's wife entertains the idea of leaving once she has reached that point where she can't take it anymore. That certainly explains the "95 percent divorce rate in the first year of active duty." The military lifestyle is definately NOT condusive to a healthy marriage.

When I first heard those statistics, I was shocked and disbelieving. I couldn't understand how a strong marriage couldn't survive some separation, especially when it's not voluntary. But now I totally understand. I can't honestly say that if we didn't have children and I didn't depend on him financially if I wouldn't be pursuing my own life's happiness right now by trying to fill the void he has left in my life.

I guess it's a good thing we DO have children and I DO depend on him financially. 'Cause this lonliness and depression is really getting to me. I'm hangin' on by a thin thread. But, as they say, "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." I've tied the knot, and I'm hanging on for dear life.

I really don't have a lot of options, anyway. And I DO love him, more than he knows; more than anyone will ever know. I know I shouldn't be angry with him -- he didn't WANT to leave us. But he still did. And life goes on, with or without him. But without him, life blows.

I know he's worried about me cheating. The other day I had to remind him what's inside his wedding ring: "Semper Fidelis." For all you lay-people, that's latin for "always faithful," and it also happens to be the Marine Corps motto. Dual meaning there, sneaky me. If it weren't for him joining the marines, he never would've gone to war the first time and we never would've written and fell in love through the mail. We probably wouldn't be together. And by permanently inscribing this pledge inside his ring, I have cemented it in my mind that I WILL BE ALWAYS FAITHFUL. No matter how hard it is right now, I will keep my word.

And if you're wondering, inside my wedding ring it says "Loved You First." That goes back to how long he's been after me... 10 years he waited for me. One day he said "I love you" and I replied "I love you more!" and he came back with "Well, I loved YOU FIRST!" And so the running joke began. So sweet.

I'm just lonely and missing him and venting right now. This shit just plain sucks. I will survive somehow. I want to be strong and make him proud. I don't want us to become another statistic.

But damn, I can't wait for that homecoming. I dream about it a lot. How I will be sobbing and clinging to him saying "Don't you ever leave me again!!" Or maybe just thrilled and kissing him like there's no tomorrow. I don't really know. It never ends up being like I expect, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

"Where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone. Please come back home..."