...is how much shit my kids are going to talk about me to their friends and spouses when they grow up. i just have to be prepared for that i guess. "my mom is/was NUTS!" everyone talks shit about their mom, right? or maybe i'm hanging around with all the wrong people. maybe eventually i'll do enough right by them that the good will outweigh the bad in their memories.
and then i start to think about how much i wish that they won't have to struggle with mental illness. it is torture. i am in my own personal hell every day. i never know when a trigger will come up, or how well i'll deal with anything in particular. i'm such a bitch. and i feel selfish and guilty for not being able to "do it all". for depending unfairly on my husband to pick up my pieces, when he's not exactly in the best place either, mentally. i think the kids have driven us both crazy, and now there's no way out. that's how i feel right about now. i almost want him to go nuts because i'm going nuts so he can see what i've been going through all these years with his temper. you think i need help? look in the mirror first. we can get help together, how bout that?
these are the times when my mother's words come back and haunt me over and over. i shouldn't have had so many kids. i can't handle it. maybe she was right. well, mom, you should have done a better job preparing me for adulthood then, huh? see, there i go looking for someone to blame. people can always find ways to blame their parents. it's their fault, even if they didn't mean any harm. that's one more judgment i'll have to prepare myself for someday. i'm ruining my kids, despite "doing my best", but my best is piss poor. and they will be crazy motherfuckers too. and it's my fault. cuz i had too many kids. (and didn't finish college.) and they'll blame me. one way or another.