Saturday, April 15, 2006

how i'm doing now...

so, i haven't seen my husband in 20 days. it's been rough, especially since all three kids and I have had a nasty cold (thanks again, shelby). My cold turned into a sinus infection and the twins both have ear infections. Robby is the only one who seems to have escaped the worst of it. Drew called yesterday from Iraq while I was at the pediatrician with Devin. We only talked for about 3 minutes because it was midnight where he was and he needed to go to sleep.

After we hung up tears started streaming down my face as I was checking out of the doctor's office. When I got in the van I lost it -- poor Devin sat there like and angel while I cried. Then I drove to Publix and sat in the parking lot and cried some more. When I went in to get some prescriptions filled, I wandered around like a zombie, throwing various grocery items into the cart and waiting for the pharmacy to finish up.

All the stress from the past few weeks had just built up too much, and I have been missing Drew so much but trying not to think about it. But after hearing his voice, my guard came tumbling down and all the repressed emotion came pouring out.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching in the past few days, mainly because my sister and I had a huge fight and she told me I'm a selfish bitch and my friends won't confront me because they are afraid of me. I realize I am selfish and bitchy, but being selfish is part of being in survival mode, and being bitchy is part of being a stay-at-home mom who's husband is 3000 miles away and in a warzone. I desperately need help, and lots of it, but my sis made it blatantly obvious that I have no right to ask for it. I chose to marry a Marine, so I have to deal with him being gone. I chose to have three children (meaning I chose NOT to have abortions), so I have to deal with all the stresses of being a mom. alone. I made my own bed. now i lay in it and cry. this is what my family tells me. i have no right to complain or ask for help because i did this to myself. and if i do ask for help, i will lose my friends.

I'm sorry, but my definition of a friend is someone who is there for you in good times and in bad, helping you when you need help and getting help from you when they need it. but apparently i am wrong. apparently friends are people who come over to visit and talk and drink all your alcohol and eat all your food use your hot water and complain about how difficult your children are and then not do anything in return but complain even more. and if ishould ask for help with my overwhelming list of chores, they will feel used and abused and afraid of me. well, wasn't i way off!

anyway, more later.

ADDENDUM (edited to add on 4/18/06):
Apparently, not everyone picked up on the sarcasm in my last blog. the "friends" i was defining were referring to what my sister made apparent to me while doing her best to drive me to suicide. The lazy, ungrateful person i was talking about was HER, not anyone else, so rest easy, my dear friends. My sister and i had a big fight, and i kicked her out of my house with the reasoning that if my husband cut me down as hatefully and frequently as she was, i would DIVORCE him. And, you can all bet, that if Drew were here, he would have kicked her out long before i did for disrespecting his wife. so boo-yah!

and i don't give a fuck that anyone with a myspace account can read this, dear sister!! you should know by now that i excel at passive-aggressive revenge!! so here it is! next time watch your fucking mouth!!!!

to the rest of you, thank you for your continued support, and i love you all.

Michelle M. Neilson

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