Thursday, April 20, 2006

today in my own personal hell...

Today has been weird. I've just been in a weird mood. I've already taken ONE xanax, and i fear when it wears off i'll just need another one. I feel like i'm always teetering on the edge of a breakdown, or anxiety attack...i don't even know what to call it. what i DO know is that i don't like feeling this way -- AT ALL. i haven't gotten any letters from drew yet, and it's been 6 days since he last called. so much stressful shit has gone down since i saw him last (25 days and counting), and my emotional strength is depleting rapidly.

i feel like i really need a vacation from all this... and even though i've got a 3 day weekend without the kids coming up (tomorrow), it will NOT be restful... my good friend is getting married and i'm in the wedding...making broaches for all the bridesmaids (not finished yet!)...helping prepare the food for the recption...then unpacking at their new house on sunday before a trip to the commissary (NAS-JAX), then driving home to get the kids and start this hell all over again.

i just PRAY that the twins get into the preschool starting summer A (early may). they've been on the waiting list for over a year, and their getting in SOON is what will determine how much longer my pseudo-sanity will last.

all i want to do right now is curl up in my bed and cry -- i miss my husband SO MUCH it is interfearing with my daily routines... everytime i see a picture, or hear about other peoples' romantic escapades, or see something lovey-dovey on tv, i fade out into this numb, silent place where i dwell in the fact that i am so utterly ALONE. and that i may never even see my dear heart alive again.

my sinus infection is taking it's sweet motherfucking time resolving, i can't sleep without codeine cough syrup, all my kids are cranky and miserable and two of them are teething. NO ONE in this house has slept through the night in over 2 weeks. i am exhausted and depressed and lonely and frustrated and want to run away and hide.

"Wake me up when September ends" never struck me as deeply as it does now. after september, the days will be closing in to drew's return. too bad it's only april...

when drew and i said our goodbyes that sunday afternoon in the barracks parking lot in "whorehouse bay," some other marine was working on his jeep, and blasting his stereo. as we stood there, trembling and hugging so long and hard and tears streaming down my face and drew trying so hard to be strong for me (but i could see the tears in his eyes), a song came on that will replay in my mind forever..."The most lonliest day of my life..." (who is that, system of a down?) anyway, we pulled back and looked at eachother, and shared one last morbidly humorous moment... "well, isn't THIS appropriate," i said, forcing a smile while sniffling and wiping my tears. "Yeah, really!" he replied, blinking hard.

And it was.

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